Bart Simpsons’ Best Dark Humor Jokes and Moments
Bart Simpson is rebellious, mischievous, and if George H.W. Bush is to be believed, single-handedly responsible for the downfall of American values. That’s a lot of weight to put on the shoulders of a 10-year-old. No wonder he keeps lashing out with a darkness far beyond his age. To that end, here are some of our favorite dark humor moments from America’s quintessential pre-teen sociopath…
The Megaphone Incident
We know that daisy-chaining 15 megaphones together wouldn’t actually cause this much damage, but it still doesn’t stop us from really wanting to try it for ourselves.
On Violence
To Lisa, who is shielding her eyes during a horror movie: “If you don’t watch the violence, you’ll never get desensitized to it.”
On Wishes
Annie, Krusty the Clown’s ex-wife: Trust with me is like a candle. When you blow it out, it’s gone for good.
Krusty: What about a comedy candle? You know, it relights itself?
Annie: I don’t find those funny, just frustrating.
Bart: They’re pretty funny. Once, I used one on Milhouse. He was wishing for his parents to get back together, but the flame never went out.
On the Birds and the Bees
“What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them, as is my understanding…”
His April Fool’s Day Beer Prank
Lessons from Military School
Military School Commandant: Well cadets, it’s been a great year. You’ve all worked very hard developing academic skills and general killing skills.
Bart (to Lisa): My killing teacher says I’m a natural.
On Witches
To Lisa, after she announces she wants to become a witch: “No, no, no. You’re too young to be a witch. Savor the steps leading up to it. College anorexic, a string of bad marriages, career disappointments, failed pottery shop. And then when you’re old and alone, you can hit the witch thing hard.”
His War on Australia
On Priorities
Homer: You’re our last hope, boy.
Bart: I just don’t want to be here, dad! Besides, I started a fire this morning that I really should keep an eye on.
Well, He’s Not Wrong
Bart: I saved you.
Lisa: But you pushed me!
Bart: Duh, I couldn’t save you until I pushed you. Girls make no sense.
In the Pursuit of Scientific Discovery
Homer: Where’s your science fair project, boy?
Bart: I thought I’d investigate the effects of cigarette smoking on dogs.
(Santa’s Little Helper walks in, smoking and coughing.)
Marge: Bart, don’t give the dog cigarettes.
Knife Goes In, Guts Come Out
When the family has to work in a Japanese fish processing plant to earn money to get home…
Marge: Every truckload of fish we gut brings us 31 cents closer to those tickets home.
Bart: And I think I’ve finally found what I was put on this earth to do. (Guts fish) Knife goes in, guts come out, knife goes in, guts come out…
(The fish Bart picks up magically comes to life.)
Fish: Spare my life and I will grant you three—
Bart: (Gutting the fish) Knife goes in, guts come out…
Selling His Soul to Milhouse
Lisa: Bart, your soul is the only part of you that lasts forever. For $5, Milhouse could own you for a zillion years!
Bart: Well, if you think he got such a good deal, I’ll sell you my conscience for $4.50. I’ll throw in my sense of decency, too. It’s a Bart sales event! Everything about me must go!
