15 Ali Wong Jokes for the Hall of Fame
Perhaps the most fascinating part of Ali Wong’s career is how each of her stand-up specials depicts one chapter of her life while simultaneously foreshadowing the next.
In Baby Cobra, she’s seven months pregnant and talks candidly about getting married and her struggles trying to conceive. In Hard Knock Wife, she’s seven months pregnant again (this time with her second child) and delves into her (mis)adventures in parenthood. Meanwhile, in her latest special, Don Wong, she discusses how her marriage has changed in the wake of her newfound fame, only for she and her husband to file for divorce two months after the special debuted. It’s pretty obvious then what her next special is gonna be about — losing half her money, hitting the apps, single parenting, etc.
Until it hits Netflix, though, tide yourself over with these 15 existing Ali Wong jokes, which have more than earned their place in our Hall of Fame.
On Priorities
“I did The Tonight Show a couple of months ago. I had actually got an offer to do it last May, but it was the same day as my boyfriend’s graduation from Harvard. I was like, ‘Okay, I could do The Tonight Show and get a TV credit, or I could go to my boyfriend’s graduation from Harvard and poke a hole in the condom. What is gonna guarantee me the most steady income? What is gonna get me a house?’”
On Breastfeeding
“A lot of young women have anxiety about giving birth. Well, let me tell you something: Giving birth ain’t nothing compared to breastfeeding. Breastfeeding is brutal. It’s chronic physical torture. I thought it was supposed to be this beautiful bonding ceremony, where I’d feel like I was sitting on a lily pad in a meadow and bunnies would gather at my feet while the fat Hawaiian man version of ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow’ would play. No! It’s not like that at all! Breastfeeding is this savage ritual that just reminds you that your body is a cafeteria now. It don’t belong to you no more. When my baby girl would get hungry, she’d yank my nipple back and forth like that bear fucking up Leonardo DiCaprio in The Revenant. It’s frightening. I saw that movie, and my nipples were like, ‘I feel you, Leo!’”
On Racism
“I think that for marriage, it can be nice to be with somebody of your own race. The advantage is that you get to go home and be racist together. You get to say whatever you like. You don’t gotta explain shit. My husband is half-Filipino, half-Japanese. I’m half-Chinese and half-Vietnamese. And we spend 100 percent of our time shitting on Korean people. It’s amazing. It’s what love is built on, you know?”
On Double Standards
“I’m very jealous and bitter that when a man finds any ounce of mainstream success in comedy, they get to date models, actresses and pop singers. One of my dear friends is arguably one of the top stand-up comics in the world. And for the past year and a half, she’s been dating a magician. I was like, ‘Okay, no judgment, girl, but is he at least, like, a good magician? Is he the best magician like how you’re one of the best stand-up comedians?’ I looked that dude up on Yelp, and he had two stars. That’s what being one of the best female stand-up comics will achieve you. An ‘ain’t-shit’ magician.”
On Fame
“My life has changed dramatically in the past year. Because a year ago, nobody knew who the fuck I was. And when I was warming up to tape my very first stand-up comedy special, I did four shows in my hometown of San Francisco. I was super pumped. Then I couldn’t sell out all the tickets, so they had to put half of them up on Groupon. I know a lot of you are having a Chinese heart attack right now: ‘Oh my God, you mean to tell me I could’ve seen this bitch a year ago for $10?’ Look, I love Groupon. But it was so demoralizing to see my face and my picture next to whale-watching tours, teeth-whitening services and discontinued dildos on clearance.”
On ‘House Hunters’
“House Hunters is a show on HGTV where a couple pretends that there’s a decision to be made together. They go on this fake-ass journey looking at three different houses, and the audience is meant to be left in suspense: ‘Which house are they gonna choose?’ It’s whichever one Barbara wanted in the first place, okay? And Barbara, who lives in Boise, Idaho, or wherever the fuck these HGTV shows are filmed, where houses cost $5,000 an acre, don’t got money, power or respect. But Barbara is a woman, and all women are very good at being extremely unpleasant, and holding your happiness and self-esteem hostage until we get what we fucking deserve. That is a superpower that we evolved to compensate for our lack of earning potential. You can’t tell any woman what to do, so you might as well pick the bitch that will give you health insurance.”
On Skaters
“I dated a lot of losers. A lot of skaters. You wanna be a grown-ass woman? Stop dating skaters. Stop dating skaters unless you wanna wake up on a mattress in a kitchen. They’re sexy on the outside, malt liquor on the inside.”
On Porn
“I love watching porn, and I think that when people look up porn on their favorite site, they always have their two standard search words. Mine are ‘Asian’ and ‘school.’ Yes, I like to watch ‘Asian’ because I’m conceited, and I like to watch ‘school’ because I’m Asian. I’m like, ‘Oh my God, are they doing a standardized test? Yeeeeeah…’”
On Her Husband
“People praise my husband for coming to all of my doctor’s appointments with me: ‘Oh, my God, I can’t believe he comes to all your doctor’s appointments. He is so supportive.’ Guess who else has to go to those doctor appointments. Me! I’m the star of the show. There’s nothing for the camera to see if I’m not there. But he’s the hero for playing Candy Crush while I get my blood drawn. Meanwhile, if I do mushrooms seven months pregnant, I’m a bad mommy.”
On Power Dynamics
“When you’re a woman with money, power and respect, your romantic options don’t expand. They decline. I’m told it’s because men are threatened by women with money, power and respect. What do you think is going to happen to you? You think your dick is gonna get acquired in a hostile takeover? I bet most men in this theater have never, ever had their dick sucked by a woman that makes a lot more money than them. And let me tell you something — it’s spectacular. Why wouldn’t it be? If she got the skills to earn money, power and respect, you don’t think she got good pattern recognition? Those skills transfer.”
On Financial Goals
“I’m just waiting for the right moment financially to become a housewife. I want my husband to get us to a certain point financially. I wanna get to the point as a couple where I can comfortably afford sliced mango. I’m talking about that Whole Foods mango, too. That $10-a-box Whole Foods mango that was sliced by white people. That’s the kind of income bracket I’m striving for. That’s when you know you’ve made it — when you’re eating mango that was sliced by a dude named Noah. I want Noah mango, Rebecca kiwi and Danielle pineapple. You know what else I want? I wanna be able to take a stroll on a sidewalk, see a quarter and just keep on walking. Like a princess.”
On Single People
“Only other married people with kids can empathize with the deep envy I feel toward you single people. You don’t know how free you are. You can eat an edible at 2 p.m., go to the aquarium and watch the jellyfish go back and forth. You don’t gotta bring a giant bag with little Ziploc baggies of Goldfish and toy cell phones. You can just go with what’s in your pockets. You don’t know what it’s like to eat a cold quesadilla that your toddler threw on the floor, because it’s easier to put it in your mouth than travel to the trash.”
On Being the Breadwinner
“The only kind of man who would leave a woman who makes more money is the kind of man that doesn’t like free money. ‘Oh, but Ali, he doesn’t feel small?’ He’s too busy living large on my new salary! ‘Oh, but Ali, doesn’t he feel like you took something away from him?’ Oh, do you mean like the pressure to provide — which I have lifted from his shoulders? He’s chilling. He walks into work now every day two hours late like, ‘Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! And fuck you! Fire me, I don’t give a shit. My wife’s rich, bitch. This job is just an eccentric hobby for me now.’”
On Being the Boss
“I don’t want to be the boss all of the time. I’m tired of being the boss. I’m a bossy person, so you be the boss, okay? Just choke me enough that I can’t talk. Because if I can talk, I’m gonna tell you what to do.”
On Creeps
“Any man watching me, listening to what I have to say, and thinking to themselves, ‘I want to fuck her…’ is a raging psychopath — and has extremely good taste.”
