The 13 Best Jokes, Puns and Lines from ‘Wednesday’
If you haven’t checked it out yet, Netflix’s new Addams Family series Wednesday is pretty damn good. It’s Tim Burton’s first foray into television. Pairing the king of gothic fantasy with this particular source material has been a long time coming, and it’s well worth the wait.
While it may not be as campy as the two Barry Sonnenfeld Addams Family movies from the early 1990s, the series’ darker, more deadpan humor is as sharp as Wednesday’s guillotine. Here are some of our favorite lines from the first (and hopefully not last) season that we wanted to share before they ended up on a bunch of T-shirts at Hot Topic…
On School
During her opening voiceover in the first episode, Wednesday Addams perfectly sets the tone for the whole series, while absolutely nailing the high school experience in general: “I’m not sure whose twisted idea it was to put hundreds of adolescents in underfunded schools run by people whose dreams were crushed years ago, but I admire the sadism.”
On Putting Yourself Out There
Enid: Care to take a stab at being social?
Wednesday: I do like stabbing. The social part, not so much.
On the Whitewashing of American History
While having to volunteer at the fudge shop at the local colonial themed tourist trap Pilgrim World, Wednesday gives a group of German tourists a horrible sales pitch/accurate history lesson in their native tongue: “Enjoy your ‘authentic’ pilgrim fudge made with cacao beans procured by the oppressed indigenous people of the Amazon. All proceeds go to uphold this pathetic whitewashing of American history. Also, fudge wasn’t invented for another 268 years. Any takers?”
On Screaming
“If you hear me screaming bloody murder, there’s a good chance I’m just enjoying myself.”
On Drip Coffee
Every coffee snob will feel this exchange in their bones:
Tyler: The espresso machine’s having a seizure, so all we have is drip.
Wednesday: But drip is for people who hate themselves and know their lives have no real purpose or meaning.
On School Spirit
Enid: Admit it! You kinda got into the whole school spirit thing.
Wednesday: You didn’t tell me it was a dark, vengeful spirit.
On Being Doused in Blood
While everyone at the school dance is being rained on by “blood” sprinklers, Wednesday takes a disappointing taste test: “They couldn’t even spring for real pig’s blood. Only paint.”
On Kidnapping
“It’s amateurs like you who give kidnapping a bad name.”
On Girl Scouts
Tyler: Don’t tell me you were a Girl Scout.
Wednesday: I could eat Girl Scouts for breakfast. Actually, I have an uncle who went to prison for that.
On Being Stubborn
“Yes, I know that I am stubborn, obsessive and single-minded. Those are all traits of great writers. (Thing signs to Wednesday furiously) Yes, and serial killers too. What’s your point?”
On Relaxing in a Morgue
After Thing frees Wednesday from one of the cadaver lockers: “Five more minutes. I was just getting comfortable.”
On Birthdays
Tyler: C’mon, don’t you like a day that’s all about you?
Wednesday: Everyday is all about me. This one just comes with cake and a bad song.
On Murder Charges
Morticia: That boy’s family was going to file attempted murder charges. How would that have looked on your record?
Wednesday: Terrible. Everyone would know I failed to get the job done.
