15 Nikki Glaser Jokes for the Hall of Fame
Nikki Glaser has been making audiences laugh for 20 years now, and if her latest HBO special Good Clean Filth and new reality show Welcome Home, Nikki Glaser are any indication, she’s not slowing down anytime soon. Plus, any time she’s on one of the Comedy Central roasts, you know it’s gonna be a good one.
Today, we are proud to welcome 15 of her best jokes into the Hall of Fame.
On Her Age
“I’m in the prime of my life. I’m 31, and it’s just... It’s going great. That’s a woman’s age. I am a woman, but I don’t feel like one most of the time. I’m still feeling like a girl a lot of times. I’m still relating to Taylor Swift songs on a level I definitely shouldn’t, but my back hurts a lot, so I’m like, ‘Oh, that’s right, I can’t shake it off. I wish I could.’”
On Sexting
“That’s all that’s in my phone. Texts between me and men who will never love me. And naked pictures. I send those, and I shouldn’t. The cloud is not secure. But, like, neither am I. And I need constant validation. I don’t put my face in the pictures, though. Mostly ‘cause he asks for them that way. But also, that’s smart.”
On Babysitting
“I hated babysitting. It’s so hard because it’s like you’re a mother but you don’t love them, so it’s hard to do the right thing. I would just let them watch TV all day in the basement or wherever I kept them. Who cares? I don’t see the harm in letting your kids watch TV all day. I grew up watching TV, and I turned out perfect. I don’t read or anything, I mean besides tweets and Plan B’s side effects. I’m not like digging into chapter books. That’s how little I read: I still call them chapter books.”
On Maiden Names
On Euphemisms
“I remember once this guy was giving me a really good Rogering and at some point— Yeah I’m bringing that back. It sounds classy, right? ‘A good Rogering...’ it sounds like he courted me or something. He didn’t. It sounds like I knew his name — and it wasn’t Roger. No, it was Phil, but saying he gave me a good filling doesn’t have quite the connotation that I’d like. Rogering, meanwhile, sounds nice. Because that’s the thing, girls we can’t be, ‘I got f--ked!’ We have to come up with euphemisms. My least favorite of which is ‘fooled around.’ Let’s stop saying that. My friend one day was like, ‘Josh and I? We just fooled around.’ I’m like, ‘Ugh, what did he, like, get your nose? Did you guys get in a tickle fight? Did he pull a quarter out of your vagina at some point? Oh, he did? Okay, I’d call that fooling around.’”
On Being a Late Bloomer
“I’m bad at sex. That’s what I’ve concluded. It’s fine, I’m okay with it, because I got a late start. I’m learning. I didn’t have sex until I was 21 because I was saving myself for Jesus, which luckily that was my gardener’s name. So that worked out. Yeah, I found a loophole in my dad’s rule.”
On Waxing
“I wanted to try waxing so I was like, ‘Oh! I’ll just go to Walgreens and get a kit and do it myself.’ It was the worst! They give you microwavable wax, but every microwave is different. I just put it in and pressed ‘popcorn.’ I didn’t know! Oh God, I burnt myself. I only got two strips in, and then I gave up. I was like, ‘Well, I guess this is my new look. It looks like a pause button, but you know what? Metaphor for my sex life now.’”
Her Best Roast Jokes
To Edward Norton: “Ed looks to me like if a marionette became a boy and then that boy became an asshole. He was so hot in Fight Club — when he was Brad Pitt.”
To Martha Stewart: “Martha Stewart, I’m a huge fan, and my mom is an even bigger fan. My mom has learned everything from Martha Stewart — about cooking, cleaning and withholding affection. So it’s close to my heart.”
To Ann Coulter: “Ann’s been called things like a racist, anti-Semitic, homophobic, a white supremacist — and that’s just while getting plowed by Bill Maher.”
To Rob Lowe: “Look at you: You look like you’re sculpted. I mean, you put the ‘statue’ in ‘statutory rape.’ God, I had such a crush on you when I was a little girl. If only I’d known that’s when I had my best shot.”
To Robert De Niro: “I can’t even believe I get to share this stage with you tonight, Robert De Niro. And by this stage, I mean the final one of your life.”
On Being an Ugly Kid
“I was diagnosed as an ugly child at the age of 11 by a caricature artist at a Six Flags, and I didn’t know until then. I really didn’t, and then he turned that canvas around and my dad was like, ‘Oh my God, it’s uncanny.’
“My whole family’s like, ‘Whoa, Nik, it’s you!’
“I’m like, ‘Really? Okay, I didn’t know I had buck teeth and bushy eyebrows, a Founding Father haircut and a tiny bicycle.’ But then I knew.”
On the Relief of a Breakup
On Being Gross
“I don’t ever get physically sick. But it’s not because I’m genetically superior. I’m just so gross that my immune system is pretty great. I’m gross. I eat at Subway, like proudly. I love it. I’ll eat something off the ground — five-second rule, five-month rule, I don’t care. Like, sometimes I get jealous of my Roomba. I was like, ‘I was gonna get that! I was just waiting for it to get, like, chewy.’”
On Trying to Impress Her New Boyfriend
“I really was pretending to be this version of a girl that he would fall in love with. I was just walking around like, ‘What would Khaleesi do? He likes that show, I think.’
“So I just, like, walked around topless, got a bunch of lizards. I didn’t think it through.”
On Not Wearing Makeup
“Every time I complain about makeup, I always have one guy that’s like, ‘You know what? I honestly like a lady without makeup. I like a natural look. I really do.’
“And I’m like, ‘Oh, you like men. That’s cool to know about you. ‘Cause that’s what I look like without makeup. I look like a man.’
“I’m not insulting myself saying that. I kinda love the guy I look like. He’s a cool guy. You would like him. He’s like a hardworking American man, but he lets loose. I’m the type of guy, without makeup, that organizes charity bike rides across the country. And you go, ‘How does he have time for this?’
“And it’s like, ‘He doesn’t. He makes time.’“
On Watching Porn
“I’ve never watched porn with an expert — I mean, a man — before. When I watch porn, it’s for tutorial purposes. I’m like, ‘Oh, these girls are pros. I’ll learn something new.’ And that’s a mistake, because I watch whatever video I can find first. So I’m sitting there with a notebook like, ‘Okay, look kinda scared. Perfect... Use my feet. Great... Bring mom into the mix— I don’t want to do that! She’s such a prude!’”
On Getting Compliments
“An innocuous compliment from a guy you like means everything. I don’t think you guys understand what power you wield with just dumb compliments. I stand before you tonight because I did stand-up comedy one time 15 years ago on a whim. I was like, ‘I’ll try it.’ That was fine. But a hot guy from the show was like, ‘You were great.’
“And I was like, ‘I’ll do it forever, thank you. I swear to God. I just needed someone to believe in me.’”
