10 Jokes About Bosses Because We Want To Get Fired, Today
Well folks, it’s Monday… again. Back to the grind. The weekend wasn’t long enough, and the coffee is too weak to defend you from the onslaught of emails, meetings, and Cheryl burning her popcorn in the break room microwave.
And to top it all off, there’s your boss to remind you of all the work you put off trying to duck out five minutes early on Friday. Yeah, Todd, we read your goddamn memo. We have no idea why productivity is down. No, we don’t think another team-building exercise will help. Yeah, go ahead, form another committee. That’ll oughta fix the problem. Hey, do you remember the last time you ever experienced joy?
Of course, we’d never actually say those things to Todd’s face, right? We probably wouldn’t even whisper these thoughts to one another in the break room because we never know who might be a snitch. There’s only one other place where that fear exists: prison.
That is why hearing comedians talk about quitting or getting fired from their jobs feels so cathartic. So, we’ve found a few jokes on the subject to help you overcome your case of the Mondays. Enjoy!
Bill Hicks
“You know what I used to get from my boss? ‘Hicks, How come you’re not working?’
I’d go, “There’s nothing to do.’
He’d go, ‘Well, you pretend like you’re working.”
And I’d go, “Why don’t you pretend like I’m working. You get paid more than me, you fantasize. Shit, pretend I’m mopping. I’ll pretend they’re buying shit, we’ll close up! I’m the boss, now you’re fired! How’s that for a fantasy, sir? I’m on a roll!’”
Quincy Johnson II
“I had to quit my job because the last time I walked into work my manager stopped me, came over and said, ‘Hey Quincy, we need to talk. We think you're trying to steal from the company. We're gonna put you on six months probation. You're gonna come into the office you're gonna sign this paperwork, we're gonna watch you every day, and if we think that you're on the up and up,’ he was real white so he said stuff like up and up, ‘If we think you're on the up and up after six months, we'll give you all your privileges back…’
I had to stop him and said, ‘Wait a second… You're coming to me after eight years of working here and telling me you think I started stealing today? Man, I stopped stealing six years ago when I became a full-time employee! You know, I got benefits now I don't want to mess up my dental!’”
Ron Funches
“Fucking hate jobs, jobs suck. We all know that. There are no good jobs. Even when someone's like ‘I got a good job’, it just means they got a good bad thing you know? Jobs are horrible. They always want you to work at least the majority of the day like five days a week. What?!? That's too many days. They don't care about your life. They want you working on holidays. What? They made me work on Martin Luther King Day. Don't know why y'all laughing. There should be a hushed silence over the crowd. Because that's a tragedy, there should be no black person that works on Martin Luther King day. He didn't want that. He mentioned it in one of his speeches-Not the ‘I have a dream’ speech, I give you that, but like a later one.
He was like "And I have another notion… That no black person shall ever have to work on my day. I know I'm getting a day, look at all the cool shit I'm doing. Shut up Coretta, I'm getting the day. She don't think I'ma get a day.’"
Dusty Slay
“I put in a two-week notice not because I'm a good employee, but because that's my favorite two weeks of any job I've ever had, you know I mean? It's worth it to get the job just to put in the two-week notice, isn’t it? It's like a little vacation right there at the end. It’s where I get to say my favorite phrase at work which is, ‘I don't care I'm about to quit.’
A lot of power in those words, you know? Your boss is like, “Hey, you know you were late today?’
I'm like, ‘Hey, you know I'm about to quit, right? Yeah, I'll be a little bit late, you know what I mean?’
I'd like to know who invented the two-week notice. Was that the employee or the employer, right? imagine being the first, you're like, ‘Hey, I'm about to quit.’
Your boss is like, ‘You’re gonna stick around for two weeks,right?’
‘Well, you’re gonna pay me and you know I'm quitting? Yeah, I’ll stick around. Hell, I'll do a six-month notice if you want. I thought you needed me to care about this job.’”
Michelle Wolf
“I got fired from my last job. No, it was fair. I had stopped working. When they fired me they called me into HR and they were like, ‘Michelle, it seems like you're just not doing your job…’
And I was like, ‘Yeah, but for like nine months… So I think two of us haven't been doing our jobs.’
Aparna Nancherla
“I find it very hard to be productive when you work from home, like I feel like the closest thing I have to a boss is Netflix when it's like, ‘Are you still watching?’
‘Of course I'm still watching. I am never not watching. Stop micromanaging me, I'm your best employee. I take all your suggestions.”
Steven Haas
“I got fired from Sears. Here's something interesting: When you get fired from Sears, they still make you do an exit interview. That was a little tense. They asked me what I would change about the organization. ‘We can start with the termination policy… Not really on board with that. If there's time we can probably also cover the exit interview policy. This is weird.’”
Zach Brazão
“When you're at work you have to put on a front that you're busy. You have to do your job and act like you have a job. I hated working, so I showed up every day at 9:15 in the morning. ‘Zach, it’s 9:15. You’re late.’
‘I wasn't late. I was on time with a nuanced understanding of my employee handbook. I got one 15-minute break a day, I took it to begin my day.’
My boss would say, ‘Zach, you didn't do any work, you can't take a break.’
I said, ‘Look, I woke up and I remembered I had a job. I need a break.’”
Shane Torres
“I saw a guy quit his job the best way ever. I was working at a restaurant in Fort Worth, Texas, where I'm from, and this manager, Pat, and this waiter, Richard, got in a huge argument in front of all the customers on the dining room floor, screaming back and forth, until finally, the manager, Pat, he just grabbed the waiter, Richard, and he just goes, ‘All right, Richard, get the f–k out. You're f–king fired.’
And Richard yelled back, without missing a beat, ‘I don't need this goddamn job. I sell coke.’
Which is the best way ever to quit your job. You're like, ‘F–k your reference. I'm in the dope game now. Richard's gonna be alright…’
He wasn't. He got shot. Coke dealer.”
Gary Gulman
“I used to work at Starbucks. I used to wise off to my boss. One time, we were hanging around the cash register, and he said, “I don’t want you guys conjugating around the cash register.”
I said, ‘Oh yeah? Well, I am, you are, he/she/it is. How’s that?’ Then I went German, ‘Wir sint, er sind, sie sind. How’s that?’
He was like, ‘You’re Jewish, how do you know German?’
‘Well, if they ever pull that crap again, I’m gonna be the first to know. I got the inside track, and I’ll warn all of the others.’”
