Dark Humor Jokes About Christmas That Will Permanently Place You on the Naughty List
Well, we’re past Thanksgiving and officially into the Christmas season. Did you hear that, Aunt Cheryl? Now it’s Christmas season! You don’t break out the Mariah Carey holiday album until Black Friday, got it? Not the day after Labor Day. Not the day after Halloween. Now. The holidays don’t start until someone gets beaten unconscious over the last Nintendo Switch at Target. Them’s the rules!
And given that it’s Black Friday, we’d like to share some stand-up comedy bits that have a darker, somewhat less jolly take on Christmas…
Bill Burr
“One time when we were kids, my brother and I were in the backseat of my dad’s car, and we were laughing and we were excited ‘cause it was around Christmas. And my dad just had this thing — he just didn’t like joy, you know? So he’s sitting there driving. He’s going like, ‘Jesus Christ, knock it off back there! You’re giggling like a couple little schoolgirls! Christ, you don’t straighten up, I’m gonna buy you a doll for Christmas!’
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“And then he did. I swear to God, he made us hold ‘em up. My mother’s taking pictures in front of the Christmas tree. I’m just standing there crying. Afterwards, I ran upstairs to my top bunk, and my dad knew he f–ked up. To his credit, he came up, he tried to smooth it over. He’s like, ‘All right, come on back down. It’s over, come on down, enjoy the holiday!’
“And I'm like, ‘I don’t want any gifts! I f–king hate you!’
“He eventually coaxed me down. He softened up a little bit. ‘Look, you don’t get your f–king ass back downstairs no one else can open their gifts, so move it out! I said move it out!’
“I go back downstairs all shell-shocked: ‘Here’s another gift for you, Billy.’
“I’m like, ‘Is this a fucking doll house? When does it end?’
“Yeah, that was Christmas, and those were people that loved me.”
Kevin Bozeman
“‘At what age do you tell your kids that Santa doesn’t exist?’ Here’s an answer: When you can no longer afford their Christmas list. It’s not rocket science. One year, my son gave me his Christmas list, and I was like, ‘Yeah man, he ain’t real. I’m sorry, this is a ridiculous list. We can go halfsies.’
“My second kid came out with a worse list. He’s like, ‘Look dad, I need a smartphone, some Air Jordans and an iPad…’
“I’m like, ‘Whoa, playa. Santa don’t do iPads. Santa does Legos and action figures.’ To which he responded, ‘Well, I feel like I had a pretty good year so I’m gonna keep it on my list.’
“And then we just uncomfortably stared at each other. Finally, I was like, ‘Well, I’m Santa Claus. I didn’t want to tell you. I was hoping that your friends would tell you, and then I would avoid it. But you backed me into a financial corner with your $3,000 Christmas list. Now redo your list and keep it under $150. Wipe your tears.’”
Dave Williamson
“Christmas is a good example of something we’re doing ourselves to instill the wrong principles in our kids, because we have not updated those traditions. Just like clichés, we pass them on lazily from generation to generation like they still make sense. They might’ve made sense when a rocking horse was was a top five gift, but it’s not anymore. We still tell our kids, ‘Hey, write the top four or five things you want down on a piece of paper, and we’re gonna send that list away to Santa.’
“Which means I now have to give credit for the most expensive, most difficult presents to find that particular season to a guy who does not exist, for a lie I did not start! How’s that fair to dad when you work hard all year long, but on Christmas morning you can only take credit for gifts six through 14? ‘Naw, some stranger bought you all the good stuff.’
“That’s really building a strong nucleus of trust there. He just shows up and brings stuff better than mom and dad bought you. So I have tweaked things, to raise better kids. Also to make it more fair for dad, but to somewhat keep intact the traditions of yesteryear. I tell my boys, ‘Hey guys, remember: Christmas is coming up, which means mommy and daddy are gonna buy you a lot of gifts because we think you’ve been really nice this year. But don’t forget: Santa is gonna visit us again on Christmas Eve, and depending on how good or bad you actually were, he’s gonna take as many presents as he sees fit. So, I hope you were good boys when nobody’s watching, ‘cause he always is! It’s tradition! Night-night!’
“That makes more sense. Now you’ve got Santa working for you! When they throw a tantrum on Christmas morning, ‘I ASKED FOR A ROBOT! WHY ISN’T THERE A ROBOT?,’ you don’t have to be a bad guy, or explain layaway. You just jump on board with “Whaaat?!? I bought you a robot, it should be right— GASP, that’s probably one of the gifts Santa took! What did you do? Do you know how hard that was for me to buy for you? Now, I’m pissed off!’”
JR De Guzman
“Here’s a little song for you to sneak into the holiday music playlist at Christmas dinner and see how long it takes for someone to go, ‘What the hell?’”
Monty Franklin
“Christmas is my favorite time to live in America because that’s when people come up to me and they go, ‘Oh, do you celebrate Christmas in Australia?’
“‘No, Jesus was only in the northern hemisphere. Yeah, Christ only died for the sins of those whose toilets flush around that way. And we all know that. It’s biblical… Yes, we have Christmas you dickheads, what the hell’s wrong with you?’”
Marty Laquidara
“Every year when I was a kid for Christmas, my dad would dress up like Santa Claus. So, for years, I thought Santa was an alcoholic who beats my mother: ‘Hey Santa, why did you puke in your beard and put my mother in a headlock? And where’s my bike?’
“Christmas was horrible. Both my parents were alcoholics. So they didn’t buy me presents, they just got hammered on Christmas Eve and wrapped stuff up from around the house. I run downstairs tearing at my presents and get half a jar of mayonnaise and some dish soap. ‘What’s with this?’ “My dad’s like, ‘You ungrateful little bastard, go to your room and play with your dish soap.’
“If they did buy me anything, it was never that name-brand stuff. It was always K-Mart knockoffs. I got a G.I. Jim one year. Not a G.I. Joe, a G.I. Jim. This guy wasn’t even in the Army, he was in the Peace Corps or something. Yeah, no gun, a protest sign instead.”
Brandon Vestal
“Has anyone ever gotten a Christmas ornament as a Christmas present? Now I know I’m supposed to be thankful for whatever I get but that is bullsh-t. My aunt Sylvia got me an ornament, and she’s like, ‘Do you like it?’ I was like, ‘Yeah, Sylvia. I wanted an iPod, but who needs 5 gigs of my favorite tunes, when I can have holiday Elvis to keep me company!”
