15 Jokes With A Monday Vibe To Get Today Feeling Like Friday

15 Kyle Kinane

“Your gravestone doesn't have to be factual. You know that, right? That's yours. Make sure you take advantage of that. Don't let some uncreative relative just put something like ‘loving father’... That guy could have been a dick, you don't even know! I want to have just a little tasteful, rectangular flush-with-the-ground headstone. Nothing fancy, tasteful font and it just says ‘Kyle Christian Kinane, Born: December 23rd, 1976, Died: in your arms tonight. Quote: Must have been something you said.’

Listen, that's not a great joke, alright? But it's the best one you're gonna read in a cemetery! And where more do you need to laugh in this world? Kyle Kinane’s got you, even after death. Kyle Kinane’s here for you! You're walking in there, it's a sad day, maybe you just see that like right there, peripheral vision, walking in and just “He he… Look at this. Did you see this? It’s 80s lyrics! Come here and look-SHE’S NOT GOING ANYWHERE! Come here and look at this! Oh my God, that's funny. I liked it… No flowers, that's a shame.”

14 Taylor Tomlinson

“I read something recently that said if you had a difficult childhood, you need to learn how to parent yourself as an adult. So I've been trying to do that. I've been trying to parent myself, but I kind of feel like I got pregnant with me in high school and, uh...  I was not ready for this responsibility. Not supposed to shake me. Just found that out. And now every day, I wake up totally overwhelmed. Just like, ‘Okay. If I let you watch TikTok on my phone for 40 minutes, will you please stop crying?’"

13 Josh Gondelman

“When I get up in the middle of the night for a glass of water, I get fully clothed. And I don't just mean T-shirt, boxers. I'm talking blazer, high tops. And that's not because I'm modest in front of my wife or nervous the neighbors will see me nude through the window. It's because my greatest fear in the world is that there's a burglar in our apartment, ready to take all our stuff. But before he does, he sees my naked body and just goes, ‘Weird dick, loser.’ BANG! And that's it for me. I'm done.

Then my wife wakes up giggling like, ‘You did have kind of a weird one.’ And then they get married to each other, and I'm just stuck in the apartment as a ghost… Haunting them forever, like, ‘Every dick is kind of a weird one! Boooo!’”

12 Gabriel Rutledge

“I've never ordered food from Amazon, not once. I think it's because I ordered an extra large shirt, and then I returned it… And exchanged it for a double extra large shirt. Yeah, that's when the hurtful algorithm kicked in. Amazon's like yeah, this is the kind of customer who would enjoy chips being mailed to his home. And then two days after that hurtful email, just out of nowhere, Cinnabon started following me on Twitter. Why, Cinnabon? Did Amazon tell you about the shirt? Am I on an internet fat list? What is happening? Cyberbullying is real.

11 Norm MacDonald

“I went to a hypnotist. He put me under a spell, and every time I had a craving for a cigarette, I would throw up. It’s very embarrassing right after sex. I find it pretty hard to get that second date after that. Girls get all snobby after you barf on them.”

10 Rory Scovel

“You guys ever steal an old person? Oh, I guess everyone here has their grandparents. Some of us don't; we got to replace ours, okay? Here's a tip: Old people in wheelchairs rarely turn around to see who's pushing 'em. You're at the store, you see a wheelchair… No one's stopping you. ‘Hey, where are you going with that old person?’

That's never been said. That's the first time that's been said. ‘Hey, where are you going with those old people?!’ 

No one's asking that. No one cares. When old people are around, everybody's thought is, ‘Hey, (whispers): get these old people out of there. Get them out of here.’

Okay, I'll help. Don't say anything. You get out to the parking lot-’That's not our car.’

‘Get in! You're my grandmother now!’”

9 Robert Hawkins

“There's still some mysteries in life even though all the information's in the palm of your hand. Why is hot coffee so good, and iced coffee so good, and room temperature coffee so unbelievably sh*t? it's just a few degrees between ‘’Morning, First Sergeant!’ and ‘What? Did you sh*t in my cup, Tom?’”

8 Collin Moultin

“My mother and father have reached that age where they are going into assisted living. They haven’t spoken to each other in 27 years, and I’m supposed to help them both go into assisted living. That’s expensive sh*t! So, I’m holding out, hoping the senility will kick in. They’ll lose their memory, and I can put them in a two-bedroom apartment together and watch the fireworks. That would be awesome! They’d probably love each other without the memories. ‘We have so much in common! You hate your kids, too? High five, f–ker! AAAGH, MY HIP!’”

7 Anthony Jeselnik

“My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn’t let me hold him, she refuses. She says, ‘No way, Anthony, I’m afraid you’re gonna drop him.’ I’m 32 years old. Like I’m some kind of idiot. Like I don’t have a million other ways to hurt that baby.”

6 Wyatt Cote

“Now I'm broke, so I gotta do broke people stuff. Like, I gotta go to the Costco eye doctor. Apparently a thing. I'm talking to her and I mentioned to her that I was a pre-medical student but I decided to quit school and be a comedian. And she says, ‘Wow, all of that effort just to do that?’ 

And I was like, “Look, if you want to get technical, you're the one who went through medical school just to work at a Costco.”

5 John Mulaney

(On getting drunk) “The morning after a blackout though is so strange because I always feel like this detective trying to solve the mystery of how I got home the night before. It's the case of the empty wallet and the, for some reason, bleeding me. And luckily, I can get right on the case because I'm still fully clothed from the night before.

It was always weird when I’d go out with some money and blackout, and wake up with no money. It was a lot weirder when I’d go out with some money blackout and wake up with more money. That meant that I had earned money. That meant I had traded goods and/or services and blacked out. It's not anything wholesome. It's not like I was temping at a real-estate office.”

4 Eddie Izzard

“Racist people, interestingly, are never as polite as smokers. Have you noticed that? Smokers always go, 'Do you mind if I smoke? Oh, you do? Okay, I'll go outside and have a cigarette.' Racist people never go, 'Do you mind if I'm racist? Oh, I'll go outside... f–king blue people, eh? Coming here, stealing our hamsters…”

3 Sam Morril

“How much true crime is there gonna be? Are you guys watching this like me? It's so addictive, yeah. Give it up for all these murderers for all this great content. You keep killing, we'll keep watching, that's what I say. I don't want to point fingers here, but you women are getting murdered at an alarming rate. I don't know if you're paying attention. I would recommend never going home with us ever. If a woman goes home with you, she really trusts you, or she's taking a chance, you know? So whenever I open the door, I always turn to her and I say, ‘Hey, thanks for rolling the dice, you know? I appreciate it.’ 

That's all I watch is murder and standup. I've been doing this for a while. I see comics sometimes on Netflix. I'm like, this guy stinks. I wonder if murderers watch true crime like, ‘This is pretty disappointing. Three murders in five years? I should be the one on television.’”

2 Gary Gulman

“I was exercising today and there was a man on the machine next to me listening to a Discman… Today. This happened today. I didn't recognize it initially, they're much bigger than you remember. Much, much bigger. I thought he was listening to a pizza. And don't get me wrong, I had a Discman. This is how long ago I got my Discman: I paid $188 for my Discman. $188. I could go over to Rite Aid right now with 188 dollars and bring back a Discman for everyone in this room. In fact, if you'll go ahead and reach under your seats… 

For 188 dollars, though, it came loaded with all the best features. Bass Boost? You betcha you bet it had Bass Boost If at any time you thought to yourself, ‘Is that all the bass? (boost) Oh, oh! False alarm everyone! Plenty more bass where that bass came from!

It had anti-shock. Indispensable  Get the anti-shock, because if you were strong enough to jog while carrying this manhole cover, this Olympic discus, then the disc would not skip for the minute the batteries lasted while in anti-shock. 

The sweetest feature on the Discman though, the must get, like borrow and steal, my friends, but get the shuffle. You do not know what in the Sam Hell is coming up next when you hit Shuffle on a disc. Every time a song ends? Cliffhanger. Oh, which one of these songs is gonna pop up next? Which one of these 10 songs-if it's Rocket Man again I will lose my mind-and it's Rocket Man oh my Lord! What are the chances? Ten percent?”

1 Nate Bergatze

“A lot of people don't like Wal-Mart, they say it's big business; like it kills the Mom-and-Pop shops. But really Wal-Mart, they were a Mom-and-Pop shop at some point and then they got their act together and became unbelievable. Mom-and-Pop shops close for no reason. You go in there, you're like, "Why are you closed today?' They're like, 'We're sad.' That's not even a legit thing. Wal-Mart -- you could shoot the entire staff & it would be an hour of confusion and they'd be up and running again. That's how great Wal-Mart is.”