15 More Mitch Hedberg Jokes for the Hall of Fame
Despite his life and career having been cut tragically short, Mitch Hedberg left behind a catalog of material that audiences still can’t get enough of and most comedians would’ve sold their souls for. Anytime we see an escalator out of order, or when the donut shop asks us if we need a receipt, Hedberg gets stuck in our heads. His style evokes the deadpan of Steven Wright but with a playfulness that makes his delivery very immediate and relatable despite the material’s surreal nature.
We’ve entered Hedberg’s jokes into the Hall of Fame before, but so much of his act still holds up 17 years after his death from a tragic overdose at the age of 37 that we just had to make him a double-inductee.
Mitch on Keeping His Ego in Check
“You know you can’t please all the people all the time, and last night all those people were at my show.”
Mitch on NASCAR
“I want to be a race car passenger. Just the guy who bugs the driver: ‘Say man, can I turn on the radio?’ ‘You should slow down.’ ‘Why do we gotta keep going in circles?’ ‘Man, you really like Tide!’”
Mitch on Cinnamon Rolls
Pixabay - Skitterphoto
“I like cinnamon rolls. That’s why I wish they made cinnamon roll incense, ‘cause I don’t always have time to make a pan. Perhaps I’d rather light a stick, and then have my roommates wake up with false hopes.”
Mitch on Drumming
“That’d be funny if you were a drummer and you accidentally grabbed two magical wands instead of drumsticks. You’re pounding out the beat, “ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR— Oh sh*t, my bass player’s now a can of soup! Sorry, Rick — I mean Cream of Mushroom.”
Mitch on Clothes
“I wish all of my clothes were made of blankets. That way if I fell asleep with my clothes on… ‘F*ckin’ A, I’m tucked in!’”
Mitch on Waffles
“Waffles are like pancakes with syrup traps. A waffle says to the syrup, ‘Hold on, now. You ain’t going anywhere. Don’t even be trying to creep down the side. Just rest in these squares. If one square is full, move on to the next one. When you hit the butter, split up.’”
Pixabay - Foundry
Mitch on Payment Plans
“They said, ‘You can have this product for four easy payments of $19.95.’ I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can’t tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a b*tch! The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal and the stamp will be the wrong denomination. Good luck, f*cker! The last payment must be made in wampum.”
Mitch on Hope
“I opened up a yogurt, and under the lid it said, “PLEASE TRY AGAIN.” They were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might’ve opened the yogurt wrong. Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me. C’mon, Mitch, don’t give up! Please try again! A message of inspiration from your friends at Yoplait. Fruit on the bottom, hope on top!”
Mitch on Typos
“I wrote a letter to my dad. I was gonna write, ‘I really enjoyed being here,’ but I accidentally wrote ‘rarely’ instead of ‘really.’ I wanted to use it. I didn’t want to cross it out, so I wrote, ‘I rarely… drive steamboats, Dad. There’s a lot of sh*t you don’t know about me. Quit trying to act like I’m a steamboat operator. I know this letter took a harsh turn right away…’”
Mitch on Snacks
“I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so it will achieve its maximum flavor potential.”
Wikimedia Commons - Phil Whitehouse
Mitch on Golf
“I’m not good at golf. I never got a hole-in-one, but I did hit a guy. That’s way more satisfying. You’re supposed to yell, ‘Fore!’ But I was too busy mumbling, ‘There ain’t no way that’s gonna hit him.’”
Mitch on Names
“I have a girlfriend named Lynn. She spells it L-Y-N-N. My old girlfriend’s name is Lyn, too. She spells her name L-Y-N. Every now and then, I f*ck up. I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend’s name. And she can tell because I don’t say NN as long.”
Mitch on Last-Minute Holiday Shopping
“A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.”
Mitch on Bigfoot
“I think Bigfoot is blurry. That’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.”
Mitch on Restaurants
“When you go to a restaurant on the weekends, it gets busy, so they gotta start a waiting list. They start calling out names. They say like, ‘Dufresne party of two. Table ready for Dufresne party of two.’ And if no one answers, they will say the name again, “Dufresne party of two…’ But then if no one answers, they’ll go right on to the next name: ‘Bush party of three…’
“Yeah, but what happened to the Dufresnes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing! You people are selfish! The Dufresnes are in someone’s trunk right now with duct tape over their mouth, and they’re hungry! That’s a triple whammy. We need help: ‘Bush, search party of three! You can eat once you find the Dufresnes!’”
