15 Jokes For The Hall Of Fame 10/14/22

15 Bob Saget

“My dad told me if I was ever intimidated by anyone, just picture them with their clothes off. He said that's how he dealt with my mom.”

14 Chris Hardwick

“Kids who are the product of old sperm are not right. The fresher the mayo, the better the sandwich. That is a very simple formula.”

13 David Spade

One of my favorite working stand-ups David Spade regales us with the story of the time he smashed his jaw in high school.

12 Gilbert Gottfried

“I always felt bad for Mother Teresa. Mother Teresa lived a whole life helping starving children and dying villages, but she could never be declared a saint 'cause she never actually performed a miracle. And it was towards the end, she was desperate to perform a miracle, so she would go up to starving children and go, 'What's that behind your ear? It's a quarter!'”

11 Dennis Miller

“I don’t care what your hobby is before puberty hits, because as soon as it does, nature assigns you a new hobby. Let’s just say when I was 14, I was treated for tennis elbow and I didn’t even own a racket.”

10 Michael Ian Black

“I say to my son, 'What are you going to be for Halloween?' He goes, 'I'm going to be Frankenstein.' And I say, 'OK.' Halloween comes, he walks downstairs, he's got, like, an old suit jacket of mine on, old suit pants, his face is painted green.... I say, 'What are you supposed to be?' He goes, 'I'm Frankenstein!' I said, 'No, you're not. You are the creature. Frankenstein was the doctor who invented the creature. It's a common literary mistake, but you just made it, my friend. Go upstairs and change.'”

9 Ellen DeGeneres

“Golden eagles have an interesting way of mating, where they connect in the air while flying at eighty miles an hour and then they start dropping and they don't stop dropping until the act is completed. So it's not uncommon that they both fall all the way to the ground, hit the ground and both of them die. That's how committed they are to this. I thought to myself, 'Boy, don't we feel like wimps for stopping to answer the phone.' I don't know about you, but if I'm one of these two birds, you're getting close to the ground... I would seriously consider faking' it.”

8 Myq Kaplan

“I’m Jewish. I’m not Uber-Jewish. Like I will use German to describe how Jewish I am.”

7 Zach Galifinakis

“I used to temp. I called a temp agency once. They were like, ‘Do you have any phone skills?’ I was like, ‘I called you, didn’t I?’”

6 Paula Poundstone

“There are those wonderful moments of clarity in life when one is reminded how irreparably flawed we humans are. Once, when I was nineteen, on the subway in Boston I lost my balance slightly and bumped into an elderly woman. I quickly apologized and she replied, "Well, hold on to something, stupid." There it is. That's it. That's it in a nutshell. I don't want to sound negative, but I think every fetus should be shown a film of that incident, maybe projected up on the uterine wall, and then asked if it wants to come out. I am a strong believer in a woman's right to choose, but I also think that in the last trimester, the kid should be given every opportunity to back out.”

5 Ray Romano

“Sex after one child shows down. After twins… ooh… I’ll tell you what it is for us. I’ll share it with you. Every three months. We don’t plan it that way. That’s just how it works out. It’s the weirdest thing. You know what I do? Every time I have sex, the next day I pay my estimated tax. My quarterlies are due. If it’s oral sex, I renew my driver’s license.”

4 Steven Wright

“I was Cesarean born. Can’t really tell. Although, whenever I leave a house I got out through the window.”

3 Jerry Seinfeld

“TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem.”

2 Whitney Cummings

“My dad, growing up, called me Princess. He drilled it in my head as a kid that I'm a frigging princess. And then I grew up, and I got into the real world, and I realized that no one else was on board with the whole princess thing. Princesses don't lose their virginity at Lollapalooza.”

1 Tommy Johnagin

“We had a pregnancy scare… about eight months into the relationship. Well, she had a pregnancy scare. I had a leave-the-state scare. It’s different.”

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Top Image: Netflix