15 Jokes For The Hall Of Fame 10/5/22
These jokes have been bottled straight from the springs of Fiji. These jokes were wild caught in the rivers of Colorado. These jokes were forged from the fires of a volcano. Inhale them all now at the Comedy Hall of Fame!
Garry Shandling
HBO
“I told my girlfriend that unless she expressed her feelings and told me what she liked I wouldn't be able to please her, so she said, ‘Get off me.’"
Hannibal Burress
Adult Swim
“Whenever I eat at a restaurant I never put the napkin in my lap. People say, 'Hannibal, why don't you put the napkin in your lap?' Because I believe in myself. I believe in my ability to not spill food in my pants 'cause I'm a godd*mn adult. And I've mastered the art of getting food from my plate to my mouth without messing up my jeans. You need to believe in yourself, too and get your life together, that's for babies. Have some confidence in your eating abilities and hand/eye coordination.”
Tim Minchin
Tim Minchin’s song about prejudice in modern society and what you can do to help.
Gary Gulman
“I was born when my dad was 50… It’s weird growing up with a dad that much older than you. We’d go to the movies, we’re both getting discounts.”
John Mulaney
Netflix
“It was really easy to get away with murder before they knew about DNA… What was a murder investigation like in 1935? One cop would just walk in and be like, ‘Detective, we found a pool of the killer’s blood in that hallway.’ And he would just be like, ‘Gross.’”
Joe Mande
“I'm a big foodie! I eat, like, three times a day... but most of all, I'm a breathie. Breathing air? That's the best thing in the world! I couldn't go two minutes without breathing.”
Louis Anderson
Amazon
“I’ll tell you this if I get one more “X” on my clothing I’ll be next year’s Superbowl.”
Kevin Barnett
“You probably won’t get laid at your prom. Try, because this may be one of the last chances…where it’s cool to have sex with a high school girl.”
Margaret Cho
Showtime
“I have not had sex in almost two years. And I think once you hit two years, you get your virginity back… I’m going to just have to trick somebody into doing it. I’m going to have to cover with leaves and hope somebody falls in.”
Ray Romano
“My twin boys are two and they’re cute… but when they become adults, the danger of identical twins, I hope they’re handsome. Because if they’re even slightly ugly, there’s two of those. You notice that. If you see one slightly ugly man walk across the room that’s no big deal. But if you see the same ugliness right behind him. ‘Hey! Look at that… I didn’t think he was that ugly until I saw it again.’”
Steve Martin
Universal Pictures
“Boy, those French: They have a different word for everything!”
Paul F. Tompkins
“Let’s say you know 100% beyond the shadow of a doubt that you’d take a bullet for your child. Let me ask you this: why are so many people trying to assassinate your baby?”
Wanda Sykes
Netflix
“I don't understand this whole Elvis thing. There are dead people in my family that we miss and love dearly, but shoot, we don't dress up like them and do impressions. I'll show up at the family reunion in a dirty t-shirt and a bald cap - 'Look, everybody, I'm Uncle Earl.'”
Mitch Hedberg
Conaco
“I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.”
Kristen Schaal
Comedy Central
“This is very ambitious, but I don't care. I'm just gonna go ahead and find Amelia Earhart. Every day that goes by, I just fear the worst for her.”
For exclusive ComedyNerd content and more, subscribe to our spiffy newsletter:
Get the best of Cracked sent directly to your inbox!
Sign up for the Cracked Newsletter
Top Image: NBC
