The Sex Playlist That Broke The Internet

People on the internet deserve a degree of personal privacy. Though as the information age has gone on, the amount of personal information that is freely or easily available about each person on it has also grown, that doesn’t mean that privacy is not still an important privilege. One of the most private details of a person’s life is the details of their romantic relationships and sexual proclivities. Outside of those relationships or preferences causing risk or harm to others, they’re something that should be left in the dark. However, if someone decides to voluntarily post their own dirty details online, it’s open season.

That was the particular, massive miscalculation made this week by a user of Reddit’s Today I F**ked Up subreddit, which is functionally an internet gathering place for people to experience schadenfreude of reading about other people taking Ls. The blindsided sap in question is user u/TylerLife, who decided to share a frustration he’s been experiencing with his girlfriend over music choices during lovemaking.

Now, as with anything on the internet, there’s always a chance that this could be a carefully crafted falsity, a masterpiece of cringing detail. A piece of internet oversharing so complete that it would be required summer reading in internet high school. However, the particulars of the post carry a certain naivete and plainness that makes the whole thing ring true. Whatever the veracity, what followed in Tyler’s post was a cornucopia of unintentional self-owns. Reading it, you can hear the hollow sound of a virtual rake repeatedly smacking into his nose cartilage.

Here’s the post in question, documented by twitter user @punished_cait.

Before going any further, and keeping all the above in mind, I must ask you to then listen to the song in question, Cbat by Hudson Mohawke.

If you’re anything like every other sex-literate person on the internet, what will immediately result is a brow-furrowing attempt to imagine a sexual rhythm that would match the meandering, wonky tempo of this song. Making the assumption, which I think is fair, that the movements would be in time with the bass drum kicks, you’re left with a spasmic flurry of jabs and straights that probably make you feel like the speed bag at a Planet Fitness.

Here is, almost immediately, where we realize Tyler’s most basic misunderstanding of the issue at hand. Tyler’s post makes it clear that he thinks that the great divide happening between him and his girlfriend is centered around the quality and listenability of the actual music. Based on audio alone, it might still be a little bit strange as a sex jam, but the song in question is popular, and a bonafide earworm, so it’s excusable. What IS a problem is having sex with your girlfriend with the consistency of a malfunctioning roman candle.

Let’s further break down some of the worst individual bits of the post, purely for academic discussion.

“My (20F) girlfriend of two years told me the music that I (25M)”

Ok, you’re immediately starting off on the wrong foot here, Tyler. This age gap described as a mini word problem is not going to garner you any sympathy in the first place. A five year gap in age between two romantic partners isn’t untoward by itself, as long as five years is more than 25 percent of the age of one of the people in question. 35 and 40? A charming couple! A 23 year old who’s two years out of college dating an 18 year old that’s possibly still waiting on their acceptance letter? Not so great! Where’d you take her on the first date? A hookah bar?

“I read online that you can play music and match the rhythm in order to put on a better performance”

Here, again, is something that I don’t think any adult would recommend. Going to the internet for advice about, well, anything, outside of maybe how to farm runes in Elden Ring, is not going to give you good results. Imagine finding out one of your close friends was someone who spent a lot of time on Yahoo Answers. How often are you coming to them with big decisions from here on out? Doubly when it comes to having sex that will NOT become a favorite bar story of the other participant.

“Not to mention my previous partners”

Tyler, sweet summer child. The active word here is “previous.”

“The other day we were having sex with no music but I was still thrusting to the tune playing in my head. She recognized this and asked me to stop.”

With this line, even the most generous interpretations of this situation are leveled, razed, tree stumps torn up, earth salted. Charitable readers could have thought to themselves, “maybe when he says ‘rhythm’, it’s more of… a vibe thing? Not a 1:1 direct connection to physical movement?” Even that hope is snuffed out post-haste as we get the confirmation that he was, indeed, seesawing his hips forward and backwards to a beat that calls to mind a drunk Looney Toon. In any discussions I’ve had with female friends and or partners, a preferred rhythm is not a series of complicated, independent movements akin to entering a safe combination. Overwhelmingly, the winner is “consistent.” You’d be better off having sex to the rhythm of the cowbell from Don’t Fear The Reaper.

That’s not even taking into account that she was able to RECOGNIZE the song from the pattern, like some sort of X-Rated version of Name That Tune. The fact that it can immediately placed should give you an idea that this is a noticeably strange way to f**k.

“I usually bust to this song”

This was not necessary, but it does make it worse.

Unfortunately, Tyler had to learn his lesson via a tsunami of internet jeering, but it’s a lesson well-learned regardless. To Tyler, if you’re reading this, there is some good news in this dark cloud: if she let you bang her with the rhythm of a rainbow trout flopping in the bottom of a rowboat, she probably really likes you! And it’s a lot easier to learn how to have sex better than how to be a better person!

Top Image: Twitter/Pexels