15 Jokes For The Hall Of Fame 8/25/22
Another week, another set of jokes told by the finest stand up comedians in all the land. Cracked Pro Tip: Grab a friend and read the entire article line by line, switching off after each word. For a real challenge, try doing it while wrestling one another. Check out last week's entry here.
Chris Rock
Netflix
“We got so much food in America we're allergic to food. Allergic to food! Hungry people ain't allergic to sh*t. You think anyone in Rwanda's got a f*cking lactose intolerance?!”
Jack Whitehall
Netflix
“I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say ‘bought’, I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.”
Woody Allen
Rollins-Joffe Productions
“Basically, my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.”
Lee Evans
"I tried water polo and my horse drowned...that was a nightmare."
Jimmy Carr
Netflix
“I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It's the two from my mum that really hurt.”
Jerry Seinfeld
“I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.”
Eugene Mirman
Comedy Central
“A lot of people think kids say the darndest things, but so would you if you had no education.”
Bob Monkhouse
"They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian ... They're not laughing now."
Andy Kaufman
Broadway Video
“Okay, now be quiet, I will pay $1000 to any woman that will beat me in this ring. I will not only do that, I will shave my head completely bald if I am beaten here. And any woman that will beat me has an extra prize she will get to marry me. Right here. She will take my hand in marriage. I will offer my hand in marriage if she beats me right here.”
George Burns
"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
Steve Martin
“What is a movie star? A movie star is many things. They can be tall, short, thin, or skinny. They can be democrats or skinny.”
Jack Dee
"I read an article that said if you regularly drink two glasses of wine a day, you could be well on your way to becoming an alcoholic. I thought, if I regularly drank two glasses of wine a day I'd be well on my way to being cured of alcoholism."
Zach Galifinakis
Netflix
“At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?”
Mike Birbiglia
Netflix
“Technology's moving so fast, man. It's to the point where you can make stuff up, and people will believe you. You can be like, 'You seen the new Sony Teleporter?' People will be like, 'No, but I heard about it.' I end up saying that all the time -- 'No, but I heard about it.' It means I haven't heard about it, but I like you.”
Russell Brand
Netflix
“How long is it polite to pretend to continue to listen to someone after they've revealed they've got a boyfriend?
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Top Image: Netflix
