15 Jokes For The Hall Of Fame 8/17/22
Another week, another 15 yummy jokes to slurp down with your loved ones. These jokes have been added to the Comedy Hall Of Fame on a preliminary trial basis to see if they tickle passersby's fancies, or come alive when the hall closes like Night At The Museum. Sit down and get comfy for this week's 15 jokes for the Hall Of Fame.
Aziz Ansari
Netflix
“I heard this guy going around talking about how he was this big rap producer, and he was just going around and boasting and bragging. And in one of those bragging sessions, I heard him just tell somebody, 'Hey, hey -- why don't you try making four beats a day for two summers?' What a dangerously specific challenge that is.”
Sarah Silverman
Netflix
“I was sitting next to a young couple with a baby on the plane and I was making the baby laugh the entire flight. Do you know what babies love? Ethnic jokes.”
Pete Holmes
Pete Holmes does an impression of “a guy telling his Latino friend that their soccer team finally broke their losing streak.”
Emo Phillips
“At my lemonade stand, I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.”
Patton Oswalt
Netflix
“People think it’s OK to walk up to me holding a baby. Like that’s cool… A baby, if you really break it down logically, it is a tiny human being and it’s shirtless, which is really creepy. It’s a shirtless, bald human being with a bag of its own crap around its waist. How horrifying is that?”
George Burns
“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”
Brian Posehn
Comedy Central
“I’ve been trying to quit smoking weed and it’s really hard quitting pot. It was actually easier to become a vegetarian because your friends never show up at your house with a sack of beef.”
Dave Attell
“I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming ‘No, that’s not what I said!’
Tina Fey
Broadway Video
“This week, penny collector Gene Sukie went to the bank and cashed in 10,000 pounds of pennies he had collected over 34 years, which were worth over $14,000 dollars. And, of course, I was in line behind him.”
Stewart Francis
"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."
Stephen Fry
SO Television
“It is a cliché that most clichés are true, but then like most clichés, that cliché is untrue.”
Lee Mack
SO Television
“I’ve got two children. To be honest I always wanted three children. Now I`ve got two, I only want one.”
Nick Swardson
Comedy Central
“She'll be like, 'How was your day today?' And I'll be like, 'Oh, my day, Grandma? My day was horrible. I had the worst day. I wake up. I go to the video store -- this guy almost hits me, this cab almost hits me. I get there -- the movie I want is gone. They don't even have it. And the Yankees lost, it's going to rain -- it was like the worst day. How was your day?' 'Well, I woke up, again. And my heart hurts when I breathe. And another one of my friends died.' It's like, what do I say to that?”
Brian Regan
Comedy Central
“I thought yoga was easy -- I went out and I bought a yoga video tape. I bought the beginners' yoga tape. I couldn't do anything on the whole hour -- nothing -- just fast forwarding: can't do that, can't do that -- I know I can't do that. This woman in a soothing voice: 'Simply take the bottom of your right foot and place it on the small of your back.'”
Steve Martin
Carson Entertainment
“Don't have sex, man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.”
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Top Image: Netflix
