15 More Jokes For The Hall Of Fame
Jokes for you and jokes for me! Everybody gets a joke! We are literally overflowing with jokes and are having a huge joke blowout giveaway! 15 legendary jokes for the price of zero with this next installment of 15 jokes for the hall of fame!
Mitch Hedberg
Conaco
“They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.”
George Burns
Carson Entertainment
“First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.”
Lewis Black
HBO
“Can somebody explain to me why Pepsi and Coke advertise? Are we missing something? Seriously, everyone in this room has drank enough Pepsi and Coke in their lifetime they could piss it for a week.”
Roseanne Barr
“Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.”
Eddie Izzard
Ella Communications
“You notice how they always put the fruit and veg at the entrance to the supermarket? You go in thinking ‘this is a fresh shop, everything in here is fresh! I will do well to shop here’. You never go straight to the bit with the toilet paper, loo brushes and such do you? You’d think ‘this is a poo shop! Everything in here is themed on poo!'”
Steve Harvey
Steve Harvey on firing white people vs firing black people from his HBO special One Man.
Airplane!
Rumack: You’d better tell the Captain we’ve got to land as soon as we can. This woman has to be gotten to a hospital.
Elaine Dickinson: A hospital? What is it?
Rumack: It’s a big building with patients, but that’s not important right now.
Margaret Cho
Comedy Dynamics
“I taught Sunday School for two years. And I got fired. I abused my authority. I used to teach class like this, ‘OK, if one more person talks, everybody is going to Hell.’”
Daniel Tosh
“You ever hear this expression? The worst day of fishing is better than the best day at work. Uh, I'll call B.S. I've watched the Deadliest Catch on Discovery. I've never once been at work, capsized in 40-degree water, watched all my co-workers die, and be like, "Hey, at least we're f*cking fishin'."
Garry Shandling
NBC
“Sadie Hawkins dance. No one’s asking me. So I’m trying to look attractive. I’m starting rumors that I put out on the first date.”
Sarah Silverman
“I was sitting next to a young couple with a baby on the plane and I was making the baby laugh the entire flight. Do you know what babies love? Ethnic jokes.”
Cheech and Chong
The classic Cheech and Chong bit “Dave's Not Here” from their self-titled 1971 debut album.
Don Rickles
Broadway Video
“Orson Welles, ladies and gentlemen, has been a great star for so many years. This man was married to a great many women in his life. They’re all flat now.”
Groucho Marx
The Hollywood Archive
“I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.”
Steven Wright
NBC
“I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it’s going to be up all night.”
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Top Image: NBC
