5 Comedy Prequels We’d Love to See

5 Boogie Afternoons

Nah, we’re not all that interested in the fifth-grade exploits of Eddie “Dirk Diggler” Adams. But Jack Horner, the porn movie auteur? That’s another story entirely.

For much of Boogie Nights, we get to know one of the most successful directors in the adult film business.  But surely Jack didn’t start on top of the skin game.  How did he get there?  Was Jack perhaps a performer?  Is it possible that his lack of prowess convinced him that his talents might lie behind the camera rather than on top of a heart-shaped waterbed?

As the title suggests, Boogie Afternoons wouldn’t be nearly as dark as Nights. Instead, we’d lean into the inherent narrative absurdities of porn. Were there any funnier scenes in the original than when Dirk and Reed … er, Brock Landers and Chest Rockwell karate-kicked their way through an adult detective flick? 

Let’s see more Jack Horner originals! 

4 The First Hangover

The original Hangover begins with a handful of pals heading to Vegas for a bachelor party.  But how did this disparate group of guys get to be friends in the first place?  

Phil, Stu, Alan and Doug have been “bros since third grade,” which seems a little unlikely.  Good-looking cool guy Phil?  T-shirt-tucked-in-his-pants Alan?  Those kinds of guys don’t stay lifelong friends -- unless something amazing happened to bond them together. 

So how about a Stand By Me meets Superbad scenario? Four young friends discover a dead body alongside a railroad track on their way to the all-night freshman lock-in dance. Do they call the cops? Do they call Mike Tyson? Add some gross-out party scenes, the lurid promise of teenage sex, and extremely irresponsible underage drinking. We’re already lining up to buy our tickets.

Finally, Ken Jeong, still an adult, will show up naked.  We can figure out the whys and wherefores later.

3 The 20-Year-Old Virgin

Celibate hero Andy already provided our new plot in The 40-Year-Old Virgin’s third-act sex confession to Trish:

“It (sex) almost happened a bunch of times when I was younger, but it didn’t work out.  Then when I got older, there were some close calls that went kind of bad.  Then I got scared. Then I gave up. Then I got more scared.”

Whoomp, there it is!  It’s the sexual misadventures of young Andy, trapping his entire forearm inside a condom machine here, getting hopelessly tangled in a sex swing there.  A thousand teen sex comedies have been built on the same basic premise: A hapless virgin tries to become a hapless non-virgin.

We’ll throw in a sexually frustrated college dean who’s determined to deny romance to an entire university. A libidinous dolphin on the prowl at the campus aquarium.  A sensual game of Dungeons and Dragons that almost results in orc sex. Andy’s pals, a motley group of equally lovable losers, all achieve sexual maturity before movie’s end -- except for our hero. He’s got about twenty more years to wait.

2 Young Borat

We’ve seen two of Borat’s adventures in America.  Perhaps it’s time to explore the comic possibilities of Kazakhstan, a land where all prepubescent boys are capable of growing impressive facial hair. 

Under the watchful eye of his father, Boltok the Rapist (who is also his grandfather, uncle, and one-time father-in-law), Young Borat tries to find his place in the village. 

He’s befriended by his neighbor Dr. Yamak, the Kazakh scientist who proved conclusively that women have “ brain the size of squirrel.” Yamak takes a liking to the young fellow and hires him as a lab assistant, a duty that primarily consists of removing dead birds from various beakers and petri dishes.

Yamak and Young Borat scheme to create a new virus to infect the people of Uzbekistan, but accidentally create a potion that attracts both Kazakh women and wild bears. 

The movie then follows the romantic adventures of Young Borat as he woos, marries, and divorces two of the five women he’s destined to wed. Along the way, he fights off bears with a special leather glove of Yamak’s design. High five!

The ultimate test of the potion’s power comes in the film’s climax when Young Borat attends a promotional appearance by his dream girl, Baywatch’s Pam Anderson.  Will the international superstar fall under the spell of our 14-year-old hero?  The conclusion promises to be “very nice.” We'll stop now.

1 Anchorboy

Growing up in the rural mining community of Haggleworth, Iowa, the bright lights of network television news seem mighty distant. But never doubt a boy with a dream. 

For young Ron Burgundy, twin passions keep him going during the long, frigid Iowa nights -- network news and the 1976 sci-fi classic Logan’s Run. Because Logan’s Run is set in 2274 and he desires to live past 30 years old, Ron decides his future lies in journalism.  

With a single leisure suit and a precocious ability to read a teleprompter, Ron sets off for the nearest mid-major market in Rock Island, Illinois. When the station’s news director laughs off the idea of an “Anchorboy,” young Burgundy sets off to prove him wrong, establishing his own newscast on the community’s new cable access channel.

Will Ron’s new KidCast beat the local affiliate in the ratings? Can he win the love of the cable access intern, Kimberly Scamardella?  Will all these strange bodily changes result in the world’s greatest head of anchor hair?

We’ll find out that … and more.  You stay classy, Rock Island.

For more ComedyNerd, be sure to check out:

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