14 More Jokes For The Hall Of Fame
Grab your tuxedo and giant novelty ribbon cutting scissors because the comedy hall of fame is inducting 14 new golden jokes. Read these, memorize them and pretend you made them up later on, to impress strangers at a party. We won't tell. Here are 14 more jokes that bleed comedy purity.
Norm Macdonald
Video Podcast Network
“I wouldn’t call myself a fan of steampunk, but I will admit it’s the healthiest way to prepare punk.”
Aside from broilpunk.
Zarna Garg
Zarna Garg Instagram
On Her Husband:
“By the way, we’ve never had a candlelight dinner either. Why would we? We came to America for the electricity.”
Dan Cummins
Amazon
“Somebody once told me if you have to buy something embarrassing, just don’t buy that thing alone. Buy a couple more things and it doesn’t look weird in a group. Not necessarily true. When I added dog treats, sleeping pills and lotion to condoms… If you’re still waiting for the punchline, why are you here?”
Luckily the store did not sell “How To Have Sex With A Dog: For Dummies”
Tim Vine
“So this bloke said to me, “As a young boy, was your mother very strict with you?” I said “Let me make one thing absolutely clear. My mother was never a young boy.”
Eugene Mirman’s Obvious Billboards
Comedy Central
“There's this billboard in my neighborhood that said 'Don't leave a baby anywhere.' Which is true. I imagine the first rule of baby is to not leave it in the street… but it made me want to make my own obvious billboards, so I have.”
“Don’t crap in an envelope and mail it to yourself.”
“Try not to wake up on fire.”
“Don’t throw a baby at anything. Even a burglar!”
“Do not threaten to steal a cops penis”
“If you start a band, don’t call it ‘Huey Lewis and the News.’ There is already a band with that name.”
Mike Birbiglia
“I don't smoke a lot of pot anymore. No one wants to hang around a guy who ends every sentence with, ‘Do you guys hate me?’"
Second place goes to someone who ends every sentence with “I forgot what I was going to say.”
Flight Of The Conchords
HBO
Jemain: “My father is a women’s rights activist.”
Brett: “Not your mum?”
Jemain: “Mum, No. Dad wouldn’t allow that. No way.”
Steven Wright
“I figured I’d go for a walk, she said ‘how long are you gonna be gone?’ I said, ‘The whole time.’”
Jimmy Carr
NBC
“People worry about their physical appearance, we all have our silly hangups. For instance, I’m worried that one of my balls is bigger…than the other two.”
Groucho Marx
“I once shot an elephant in my pajamas, and how it got in my pajamas I’ll never know.”
A certified classic (I certified it just now).
Gary Delaney
“I went to the zoo to watch the monkeys wanking. Then I went to see the crocodiles and I was still wanking.”
Emo Philips
Emophilips.com - Guy Viau
“I used to be scared of pretty girls, until one confessed they’re just as scared of me.”
Amy Schumer
Conaco
“I finally just slept with my highschool crush. But now he like expects me to go to his graduation. Like I know where I'm gonna be in 3 years.”
Demetri Martin
Netflix
“Last summer I was at a party and I learned that there’s a small but important difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool. Location, location, location.”
Never pee in between pools either.
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Top Image: Emophilips.com - Guy Viau
