15 More Jokes For The Hall Of Fame
The Hall of Fame is opening its giant revolving doors (the funniest of door types) to induct 15 more of the funniest jokes ever written into its inner sanctum. The only question now is, who’s paying to keep this place open?
Mitch Hedberg
Conaco
“My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the f**k's really going on down there? Who is the real hero?”
This joke actually inspired the film Inception.
George Carlin
Broadway Video
“‘I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that ‘I do’ is the longest sentence?”
How many times was this joke said to a group of dads by the grill.
Richard Pryor
Network Entertainment
I'm not addicted to cocaine... I just like the way it smells.
Hence why I dab a little cocaine on my neck and wrist before dates.
Kevin Hart
“I think if you get kicked in the face you deserved it because that means that you watched the foot come to your face.”
The ironic thing is Kevin Hart has definitely been kicked in the face by accident when The Rock walks near him.
Amy Poehler
Broadway Video
“Telling me to relax or smile when I’m angry is like bringing a birthday cake into an ape sanctuary. You’re just asking to get your nose and genitals bitten off.”
Having this crocheted into a pillow sham for my grandma.
Robin Williams
“Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.”
That's how they killed Caesar.
Jerry Seinfeld
NBC
“According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
I’m the opposite in that I plan to do my tight five at my own funeral.
Demitri Martin
“I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent."
Never lower your self confidence just because someone put an exit sign above your head.
Ellen DeGeneres
HBO
“My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.”
Before Ellen was whipping interns with a flaming chain.
Jim Jeffries
“Do you think pandas know they’re Chinese and they’re taking the one child policy a bit too seriously?”
Pandas most likely think they are bi-racial.
Artie Lang
Broadway Video
“I've never been swimming, and that's because it's never been more than half an hour since I last ate.”
The most embarrassing way to die has to be because you ate nachos before swimming.
Anthony Jeselnik
“My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.”
Works best with a Mr. Potato Head doll.
Doug Benson
Wabi Pictures
“Has anybody here ever been driving along in their car, smoking a cigarette, and you flick it out the window, and you drive for a few miles, and you start to smell smoke, and you turn around, and you look in the backseat, and grandma is playing with herself?”
Bigger twist than an M. Night movie.
Lavell Crawford
Comedy Central
“They always ask you dumb questions. 'Do you wanna be fat?' 'Oh yes, yes, I do. I wanna sweat for no reason.' Every time I breathe, they like, 'Why you breathing so hard?' 'So I can live.'”
I remember seeing Lavell live where he said possums are so dangerous the navy should shoot them out of battleships.
Tina Fey
NBC
“A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby's temperature. Plus, it really teaches the baby who's boss.”
I check my temp every day just to be proactive. Sometimes several times a day.
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Top Image: Broadway Video
