‘Star Wars’ Works Best When It’s Horny As Hell

It’s Star Wars Day, that special time of year when fans celebrate the beloved science-fiction franchise by rewatching Star Wars movies, playing with Star Wars toys, or even dressing up like Star Wars characters only to get brutalized by cops who don’t understand that blasters aren’t really a thing in our universe.

But this is also a time for reflection, and in considering the current state of Star Wars-dom, it is becoming clear that the series works best when it’s desperately horny …

We’ve talked before about how the original 1977 classic was unsubtly loaded with sexual symbolism; it’s the story of a teenager’s journey to manhood, which begins with the gift of a large, glowing phallic object.

And the film’s climax involves a fleet of macro-sperm trying to blow up/fertilize the Death Star/giant egg. The last 30 minutes of A New Hope are pretty much just a sci-fi sex ed film. 

The prequels were, explicitly, about Anakin’s horniness – but it was always something we were told, not necessarily something that was always built into the symbolism of the storytelling, as with the earlier movies. Then there’s The Last Jedi, which some would argue is the best of the sequels – while some would definitely not. The film was singled out for its horniness at the time, and basically took the same approach that the original film did, but applied it to its female protagonist – so instead of a focus on metaphorical dongs, there’s a magic cave and … another magic cave. 

That feeling of pubescent longing is even tied to some of the most iconic Star Wars moments, like Luke staring at the twin suns of Tatooine. 

Luke doesn’t just want to leave Tatooine because he’s sick of his Aunt’s freaky lactose products, he’s got a ton of pent-up teenage sexual frustration. The very first inkling we get concerning Luke’s restlessness is when he expresses his desire to go to Tosche Station – but that trip was never about picking up power converters, it was purely because that’s where Camie, the object of his unrequited affections (and seemingly the only girl he ever met) is hanging out. But most recent Star Wars projects have seemingly abandoned that central metaphorical struggle, even while mining other components of the Skywalker arc. Maybe Obi-Wan Kenobi will lean into old Ben’s hermitic urges.

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Top Image: Lucasfilm