Saturday Night Live: 15 ‘Weekend Update’ Jokes For The Ages
Not all jokes are winners, we know that better than most - but there are some that reach the rarefied air of immortality. These are the Highlanders of jokes, and there can be more than one.
Seth Myers on drinking.
Broadway Video
This cutting sarcasm is what Weekend Update is all about.
“New studies show that heavy drinkers experience damage to the part of their brain that processes emotion, which, if I’m not mistaken, is the point.”
Cecily Strong on Nicholas Cage.
Broadway Video
Nick Cage jokes are up there with O.J. jokes in our books.
“A new report claims that the Holy Grail was found years ago, and is currently sitting in a display in a basilica in Spain.
‘For now’ whispered Nicholas Cage.
Colin Jost Jokes That Were Clearly Written By Michael Che.
Their “swapping jokes” segment keeps things light and is a great example of their chemistry.
Jost: “The bat used by Babe Ruth to hit his 500th home-run was auctioned off this week. Also, I’ll be auctioning off the bat I use to keep my neighborhood white.”
Clearly the first time he saw this joke (and reading it out loud on live TV), he couldn't help but just shake his head.
Norm Macdonald on the Clintons
Norm Loved going after the Clintons, and that well stayed full until the day he died.
“At the White House this week, President Clinton officially came out against same sex marriages. What's more, the president said he is not too crazy about opposite sex marriages either.”
Jimmy Fallon On Michael Jackson
2001 was a great year for Michael Jackson jokes and people who love the movie “Shallow Hal.”
“Michael Jackson arrived in London this week on crutches after breaking his foot in a quote ‘common household accident’ in his Neverland Ranch. It could have happened to anyone, Jackson told a reporter. ‘See my llama and I were chasing Liz Taylor around the Elephant Man's bones and I tripped on my cape.”
Dennis Miller and Kevin Nealon “All Drug Olympics”
Why does Weekend Update not send correspondents into the field when it can be this good?
Nealon and Miller cut to the “All Drug Olympics” where all drugs are not only allowed, but encouraged.
Tina Fey on Bush
Broadway Video
Tina Fey’s seat on Update and Bush’s presidency coinciding is one of the top 10 anime crossovers of all time.
“The Pentagon announced yesterday that US and British planes had struck Iraqi air defense sites south of Baghdad. Defense officials say the President wanted to send a clear message to the Iraqi government that he knows exactly where Iraq is.”
Chevy Chase and the Prostitute Stamp
This joke definitely did big numbers at the office water coolers the following Monday.
“The Post Office announced today that it is going to issue a stamp commemorating prostitution in the United States. It’s a ten-cent stamp, but if you want to lick it, it’s a quarter.”
Norm on Women Drivers
Broadway Video
Here's one that you can share with your uncle who loves to talk about snowflakes and the Liberal army.
“Who are safer drivers, men or women? Well according to a new survey, 55 percent of adults feel that women are most responsible for minor fender benders, while 78 blame men for most fatal crashes. please note that the percentages in these pie graphs do not add up to 100 percent because the math was done by a woman.
For those of you hissing at that joke it should be noted that that joke was written by a woman, so now you don't know what the hell to do, do ya? I’m just kidding, we don’t hire women.”
David Spade on Eddie Murphy”
Broadway Video
After a few bombed movies Spade joked about Eddie Murphy on the Hollywood Minute.
“Look kids, a falling star! Make a wish.”
This gets the hall of fame treatment because Murphy famously called Spade afterward and emotionally destroyed/scared the hell out of him.
Cecily Strong Blizzard Party
Broadway Video
The silliness of this joke gives us pleasure which knows no bounds.
"NJ Governor Chris Christie on Tuesday was sworn into his second term. However, the massive blizzard forced the cancellation of his inauguration reception. Odd, since a Chris Christie party usually starts with a massive Blizzard.
Amy Poehler on Shakira
Broadway Video
“A perfect joke for the news format” - Shakira’s Hips.
“It was reported that while on a trip to South Africa, singer Shakira was attacked by a sea lion after she got too close to it. And the story has to be true because the story was reported by Shakira’s hips.”
Seth Meyers on Justin Bieber”
A perfect example of a Seth joke. Simple, with an elegant dismount. 10/10.
It was reported that police were called 3 times to respond to complaints about a recent party thrown by Just Bieber. Each complaint was the same; “No one came to my party.”
David Spade's Hollywood Minute Puppet”
Broadway Video
In a response to Eddie Murphy’s backlash to a Hollywood minute joke, Spade stopped doing the segment. However, a smaller, wooden version of himself, carried on the responsibility.
Spade (with little puppet voice): “Bobby Brown recently spent five days in jail. Two for drunk driving and three for his new album."
Norm's OJ Simpson Jokes”
Norm loved going after O.J. Simpson, which is rumored to be the reason he was let go from the show.
After the O.J. was announced innocent Norm famously made the joke “Well it’s official, murder is legal in the state of California.”
For 30 minutes of Norm roasting O.J., check out this series.
Which joke did we miss from the Hall of Fame?
For exclusive ComedyNerd content and more, subscribe to our spiffy newsletter:
Get the best of Cracked sent directly to your inbox!
Sign up for the Cracked Newsletter
Top Image: Broadway Video
