'Scream's Ghostface Would Be The Most Embarrassing Killer To Be Murdered By

If everyone had to vote on who they think is the scariest, most menacing iconic slasher killer of all time, Michael Myers from Halloween would most probably top the list. Freddy Krueger from A Nightmare on Elm Street will likely come in second, then Leatherface (Texas Chainsaw Massacre), Jason (Friday the 13th), and good ol' Ghostface might take fifth place. We say "might" because Gabriel from Malignant could come out, chairs swinging, and knock everyone off their spots with that super strength and hypermobility.

The point I'm making is this: Ghostface is lame and last on everyone's list because it would be pretty embarrassing getting killed by the slasher who looks like a thrice recycled candle. Michael Myers got you? Hey, you tried your best. Leatherface sawed you up and served you for dinner? It's tough out there, man. Getting killed by Ghostface, however, is a lemon square away from a Darwin award in the slasher universe. Yes, that's an Easter egg, that lemon square drop, and it is as obvious as a killer giving you a courtesy call to let you know that they will now be attempting a murder.

You can also bet that whoever is Ghostface will have a real hard time not falling over. See, it doesn't matter who dons that impractical flappy cloak and those gigantic black boots — everyone who's ever been the Droopy Mask killer seems to be the absolute worst on their feet. You really just need to know the basic self-defense/mostly made-up moves, like Swiping Feet and Kicking Crotch:

Aiming for the knees always works:

In a hospital? An IV pole makes Ghostface keel over, somehow:

Or you can just not do anything — Ghostface will simply run into some furniture for you:

This is what happens when you’re a spoiled brat who suddenly has to wear lumberjack boots for some reason instead of opting for a pair of simple and practical sneakers. So embarrassing. 

All of the Ghostfaces, however, should be commended for their fitness levels. It can’t be easy breathing in those silly masks, especially with all the running up stairs and stuff. That is some excellent cardio. I would still recommend the Ghostface of Scream 6 maybe pick up some boxing. Get some footwork in, great for balance.

Sure, we know the point of Ghostface is that it’s supposed to be a lame killer. The Scream franchise is all about subverting horror tropes, and it’s not going to start glorifying its killer any time soon (I hope). But getting killed by Ghostface after our clumsy slasher tripped on the stairs and then on a rug and probably on some lost little Lego block before that cheap-looking knife went sliding underneath a couch is just, one hundred percent, embarrassing.

Zanandi is on Twitter.

Top Image: Dimension Films