4 Iconic Movie Characters (Who Had Bizarro Music Video Side Quests)
When MTV premiered back in 1981, music videos were a bold new visual medium that changed the way music was sold to the public. It didn't take long for Hollywood to get in on the action by making sure every movie had at least one hit single where they could turn the video into a three-minute commercial for the movie. Most of the time, they'd throw together a hodgepodge of the artist performing the song with clips of the movie and call it a day.
But every once in a while, they'd get the stars of the movie to cameo in the video while in character. You'd have the Ghostbusters dancing alongside Ray Parker Jr., Wednesday and Pugsley Addams torturing MC Hammer, or the Highlander mean-mugging Freddie Mercury. Sometimes, they'd go a little extra and incorporate the movie characters into the video's narrative or try to set the video inside the plot of the movie, which led to some bizarre moments like ...
Fresh off the success of 1996's Independence Day, Hollywood gave director Roland Emmerich a blank check to do whatever the hell he wanted for his next project. The result of that Faustian bargain was 1998's Godzilla remake, a 139-minute long Taco Bell commercial with a script that couldn't be more formulaic if it was written in Microsoft Excel. The biggest single off the soundtrack was Diddy's "Come With Me" (featuring Jimmy Page), and by featuring, we mean they sampled the ever-living shit out of Led Zeppelin's "Kashmir." Much like the movie the song was written for, the video is a prime example of why some people in this world need to be told the word NO.
For the first 30 seconds of this video, it's sexy time while The Isley Brothers' "Between The Sheets" is playing. Diddy is in bed with a woman who is decidedly not Kim Porter, his girlfriend at the time.
Sony Music
Suddenly, everything in the room shakes, and Diddy wakes up sitting on his couch. Bold choice on the director's part to cut from a dude's sex dream to a low-angle shot of him sitting with his legs splayed. Thank God for the boner-hiding power of black leather pants and diffused lighting.
Diddy grabs the TV remote, and every channel is covering Godzilla attacking the city. The apartment shakes, so he goes to the window to investigate. Godzilla is right outside his window, and he jumps out of the way just in time to avoid a city bus crashing into his living room. The real song begins. Diddy inspects the damage, and clearly, he's in shock because the dude just starts rapping.
As if this day couldn't get any worse, a couple of F-18 fighter jets start flying through the city, and one of them explodes right in front of Diddy, knocking him back into the elevator. As the elevator shoots him up at a rate of 10 floors a second, he throws off his jacket and raps even harder, like he's challenging the ceiling of the elevator to take this outside.
And the elevator takes him up on that because that thing Willy Wonkas right through the roof of the building, ejecting Diddy out the top with enough force to make him explode into a flock of white doves. He then rematerializes out of a cloud, now dressed in white since this is the unjust world we live in. Biggie Smalls stays dead, but his producer gets to be reborn like Gandalf.
Sony Music
Diddy falls back down to earth onto a stage in the middle of Times Square. A 60-piece orchestra is performing the song while Jimmy Page backs them up live via satellite on the Jumbotron. All the while, the U.S. military is still fighting the 200-foot radioactive lizard destroying the city in the background. As the song wraps up, Godzilla takes a break from the carnage to crouch down in front of the stage to come face-to-face with Diddy.
And here is where we see Diddy's true nature. After everything he's been through today: the interrupted wet dream, the bus, the jet, the elevator, transmogrification, reincarnation, gravity, the boiling hatred of every Led Zeppelin fan … Diddy is able to stare Godzilla in the face, then turn his back on him as if to say, "I rebuke you, foul lizard. Begone!"
Sony Music
If there's one thing that could've saved the cinematic port-a-potty explosion that was Roland Emmerich's Godzilla, it'd be to re-edit the film to incorporate the events of this music video into the narrative. Instead of the movie ending with the firebombing of Madison Square Garden, we would see Godzilla sulking back into the ocean after being dissed by Diddy, to the chorus of every survivor in midtown Manhattan going, "Daaaaaaaaaaamn!"
Sign up for the Cracked Newsletter
Get the best of Cracked sent directly to your inbox!
The Terminator Goes To A Guns N' Roses Concert
Guns N' Roses' "You Could Be Mine" was a tie-in single for Terminator 2: Judgment Day. The film didn't have a soundtrack, but the band had not one but two highly anticipated albums coming out simultaneously, so having the first single included in the biggest movie of the summer was a marketing no-brainer. The video also included a cameo by the Terminator himself, Arnold Schwarzenegger's T-800. If we treat his appearance in this video like it's canon, it's definitely weird, but let's be real here, it doesn't screw up the franchise's continuity any more than the last four movies did.
As the band starts playing the song, we see the T-800 walking past the venue, spotting Guns N' Roses on the marquee, and deciding to go in. Given that this happened at night, the T-800 was alone, and already had the leather outfit and the shotgun, we can assume this was sometime after the incident at the biker bar, but before he found John Connor the next morning. This might partially explain one of T2's biggest plot holes: Why didn't either terminator track down John Connor as soon as they arrived, despite both of them having the kid's address and John most likely being asleep at home? The T-1000 found out where John lived within five minutes of arriving from the future, so God only knows what he was waiting for. The kid was a sitting duck, and the T-800 was at a concert.
Halfway through the video, we see the concert from the T-800's point of view and his assessment that that concert was a DECIBEL OVERLOAD. Sure, whatever. This cyborg was built to withstand massive explosions at point-blank range, but he was apparently programmed to act like a middle-aged suburban dad when it comes to rock concerts.
A&M
- Rejected T2 dialogue
At the end of the video, the band exits out to the alley to be greeted by the T-800, who was waiting out there like some sort of stalker fangirl. The T-800 scans each of the band members, identifying them as "targets." Then, when he gets to Axl Rose, he assesses him as a waste of ammo, smirks, and walks away. This was a serious problem with the venue's security team, in that a cyborg from the future strolled right in carrying a shotgun without paying, but there was no way he was getting backstage without a pass. The guards working the front should've been fired, but the guys in the back deserve a damn raise.
Smokey And Big Worm From Friday Steal A Plane For Dr. Dre
In 1995's Friday, Craig (Ice Cube) and Smokey (Chris Tucker) spend the day getting into wacky adventures attempting to collect $200 to pay off Smokey's psychopath drug dealer Big Worm (Faison Love). The movie also had an amazing soundtrack, and the lead single was Dr. Dre's "Keep Their Heads Ringin'." The song still slaps 26 years later. So much so that it completely overshadows how absolutely insane the song's video is.
The video is a mini heist movie. It starts with a group of thieves sneaking into an airplane hangar, where they synchronize their watches (or at least show them to us). When Dr. Dre gives the signal, they hack into the control tower monitors by patching a VHS player into the system using jumper cables attached to copper tubing. This is the worst depiction of hacking ever: they sent an analog video feed through a digital network by hooking up power cables to water pipes.
Meanwhile, people are sneaking aboard the plane and having a party with Dr. Dre. Apparently, this plane operates by TARDIS rules because the plane looks way bigger on the inside. Three minutes into the video, two partiers find their way into the cockpit, and it's Smokey and Big Worm! They've set aside their differences and decided, "Hey, let's fire this baby up!"
New Line Cinema
As the plane exits the hangar, the cops show up to … I dunno … chase the plane? It's unclear who called the cops because, by this point, everyone in the tower is dancing to the music as well. Which probably means a silent alarm was triggered. You'd think these master hackers could've found another physically impossible way to bypass that by hooking up a speaker cable to the gas lines or something.
So, while Smokey and Big Worm announce they're taking off, elevating this flash mob from trespassing to federal hijacking charges, where was Craig for all of this? Well, if you go by Ice Cube's video for his song off the soundtrack, he was confined to his bedroom. That's irony for you: while Smokey and Big Worm were stealing a plane, Craig was grounded.
The Goonies Help Cyndi Lauper Save A Gas Station From Evil Pro Wrestlers
1985's The Goonies is a classic film about seven foul-mouthed kids trying to find a hidden pirate treasure in order to save their homes from greedy real estate developers, all the while being chased by a family of incompetent criminal thugs. Fans have been clamoring for a sequel for decades, but the closest we've gotten to more Goonies adventures was a frustratingly tedious NES game and a guest appearance in the two-part Ambien/NyQuil fever dream of a music video for Cyndi Lauper's "The Goonies' R' Good Enough" from the film's soundtrack.
The first part opens with Cyndi working at Mom and Pop gas station. The business is at risk of being evicted, despite their best efforts to boost revenue by also selling veggie burgers in the parking lot and offering free cookies with gas. Inside the station, Pop whines about his money troubles to a portrait of his great-great-grandpa, a famous pirate, lamenting that his lost treasure could solve all of their problems.
Meanwhile, a limo pulls up outside, and when the car doors open, everyone at the station is shocked to discover it's (gasp) the creditors! WWF's Roddy Piper, Classy Freddie Blassie, and the Iron Sheik pile out of the limo, and they want the family off the property! Actually, it's kinda hard to tell exactly what they want because this is what happens when a bunch of guys with concussions decides to improv.
Portrait
These next few sentences are gonna be a wild ride. Suddenly, a red pickup truck pulls up with Nikolai Volkoff in the back pretending to milk a cow statue, and the music starts. The driver gets out, walks over to trash the veggie burger stand while a Benihana table with four cooks slides in from stage right. Cyndi Lauper frees Dave the mechanic who got stuck under the hood of the truck, and then she tries to feed a bottle of milk to the fake cow. Everyone else is still furiously arguing, pausing only to face the camera and lip-sync along with the first chorus. And we're only three and a half minutes in.
While the creditors outside are beating up on Dave, Cyndi starts moving out the family's belongings. She grabs the portrait of her great-great-great-grand-pirate off the wall to reveal a smoky, hidden cave behind it. We know this because they labeled it as such onscreen with an arrow pointing at it.
Portrait
Obviously, reaching her breaking point with all this family drama, Cyndi decides to go spelunking. Not too long after, Dave and Wendi (the veggie burger girl) find the cave and follow her inside. Cyndi enters the cave and screams when she finds a skeleton lip-syncing (skull syncing?) along with the second chorus. The skeleton is holding a map, and again, we know this because they labeled it onscreen with an arrow.
Suddenly, six out of the seven Goonies magically blink into the scene, or should we say the GINOOES, because all of them are wearing t-shirts with the individual letters of GOONIES on them, and they're standing out of order. Andy the cheerleader decided to sit this adventure out, so to correct the letter count, they put both of the Os on Chunk's shirt.
Portrait
While Cyndi and the Goonies are comparing maps, a green witch appears, played by Cyndi's mom. Suddenly, the gang of wrestlers appears, but they're now pirates (as indicated by the word Pirates! on the screen). The Goonies, being the skilled adventurers they are, are immediately captured. Cyndi manages to escape, and the pirate gang chase after her with Scooby-Doo levels of dignity. Cyndi would've been in the clear had she not stopped to talk to the cooks at the Benihana table, who are now in the cave because … reasons.
The pirates are able to trap her on a bridge next to a waterfall, and just as the situation (and the narrative cohesion) seems beyond hope, we cut to the editing room where Steven Spielberg himself shows up and admits that even he doesn't know how to fix this. Back to Cyndi crying on the bridge, and we have a cliffhanger ending for part one.
Portrait
Part two starts with a 50-second coked-up narration summing up part one, and our scene opens on the pirates' ship where they're holding Cyndi, the Goonies, Dave, and Wendi as prisoners. They've put the Goonies to work cooking food, Cyndi is fetching pails of water, and Dave and Wendi are tied to the ship's mast.
The pirates are partying on the deck and bullying the prisoners around. The pirates have wenches dancing with them, and they are … wait a damn second … is that 80s all-girl rock band The Bangles?!?
Portrait
The green witch orders Cyndi to go over the side of the ship and get them more sushi. That's not how sushi works, but okay. Cyndi complies and immediately gets wrapped up in an octopus's tentacle. She doesn't appear to be in any mortal danger because she's still singing, nor is she doing a whole hell of a lot to free herself. Dave and Wendi manage to get free, and they help Cyndi and the Goonies tie up the green witch. They find a treasure chest full of diamond necklaces. Dave throws a couple of handfuls of the necklaces at the pirates as a distraction while everyone makes their escape. The Goonies give Cyndi all of their jewels so she can save the gas station, and they bounce. Thanks, Goonies!
Cyndi, Dave, and Wendi find their way back to the gas station. Cyndi runs up to them to give the jewels to the creditors, which they refuse to accept as payment. You can kinda see their point, though. It's the same situation with the land developers at the end of The Goonies: If you were trying to evict a group of tenants who were crying poverty five minutes ago, and one of them suddenly comes running up to you reeking of octopus and shoving unappraised jewels in your face, you have every right to be skeptical.
But in one final surreal twist, when the creditors refuse the jewels, Cyndi whistles and conjures up a cloud of pink smoke. And out of it pops Andre the Giant, in a "Why couldn't you have done that from the start?" moment that's usually reserved for a third-act battle in a Marvel movie.
Portrait
Andre-us Ex Machina here saves the gas station by chasing the creditors off the property … at least until they come back with sheriff's deputies and a court-ordered eviction order.
