If 'Black Widow' Were 10 Times Shorter And 100 Times More Honest

After being delayed, delayed, delayed, and finally partially dumped on Disney+, Black Widow is finally out. We used our TVA-issued TemPad to send The Editing Room to grab the abridged shooting script to the film. Having done so many times for us in the past, they succeeded in their mission just before being eaten by a giant cloud monster. These are Loki references, gosh isn’t Loki great?

FADE IN:

INT. MIDDLE-CLASS HOUSE, OHIO - 1995

RACHEL WEISZ and DAVID HARBOUR are normal American parents with two normal American kids: VIOLET MCGRAW, who will become FLORENCE PUGH, and EVER ANDERSON, who will clearly become MILLA JOVOVICH OOPS WE MEAN SCARLETT JOHANSSON. They all laugh and get along and appreciate Nature and science and so obviously are DEEP COVER RUSSIAN AGENTS.

EVER ANDERSON

Plus, you can tell I grow up to be Scarlett since I've

already started changing my hair color every 10 minutes.

DAVID HARBOUR

(arrives)

Hey, everyone. Our cover's blown so we gotta drop everything

and run for our lives right after I finish this beer.

(burps)

They pile into the family van and drive to a HANGAR, but POLICE and SHIELD show up!

RACHEL WEISZ

Quick kids, into the plane! Ever, remember your training!

Violet, remember your uselessness, and why are you on this

mission anyway?

DAVID HARBOUR

Go on ahead; I'll hold them off! Don't try to talk me out of

it, this is the only time I kick serious ass in the whole

goddamn movie!

DAVID heroically GUNS DOWN INNOCENT SHIELD AGENTS while hanging off the WING, and RACHEL takes a bullet--but EVER successfully LIFTS OFF at the last moment! They fly to CUBA, where DAVID hands over CLASSIFIED INFO, brushes off INJURED RACHEL, and gives EVER and VIOLET to RAY WINSTONE'S TRAUMA FACTORY FOR TRAFFICKED YOUNGSTERS.

DAVID HARBOUR

Y'know while I'm at it, let me also hand over my Father of

the Year mug. Doesn't feel right somehow.

INT. WASHROOM - 21 YEARS LATER

SCARLETT JOHANSSON uses her PHONE to watch WILLIAM HURT conducting a RAID.

WILLIAM HURT

Listen up, people! This movie is set between Civil War and

Infinity War, but we want ALL the press to call this an

"origin story" and talk like the whole thing happens in the

'90s, got that?! Now bring me Scarlett; we have junkets to

do!!

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

(calls William)

Sorry, I've suckered you into one of those

Silence of the Lambs door fakeouts and I'm in some faraway

country that we'd normally pretend was somewhere else but

this time it isn't.

WILLIAM HURT

But we put a tracker in your belt! How could-

SUBORDINATE

(arriving)

I'm sorry sir, but Scarlett used her elite superhuman spy

skills to... TAKE OFF HER BELT AND LEAVE IT SOMEWHERE. Holy

shit, no wonder she's a SHIELD legend. Where the hell did we

get the idea we could outsmart her.

(punches self)

EXT. MOROCCO

Meanwhile, in Morocco, GREAT VALUE BLACK WIDOWS FLORENCE PUGH and NANNA BLONDELL are on a mission to get MICHELLE LEE, but are spotted! After a spirited chase, FLORENCE defeats MICHELLE with the DROP-YOUR-KNIFE-TO-THE-OTHER-HAND-MOVE that's like EVERYONE'S FAVOURITE KNIFE MOVE NOW, but then--

MICHELLE LEE

(shoots CGI red shit into Florence's face)

Sparkle bomb!

FLORENCE PUGH

(shakes head)

Wha... oh my god, I was under mind control, but now I'm not!

Shit, what was in that Swedish punch anyway?

MICHELLE LEE

(reveals caseful of vials)

The red gas in these vials nullifies mind control and also

looks enough like Pym Particles to fool people dissecting

advance clips. You can use them to free the other Widows!

FLORENCE PUGH

Like Nanna, who's going to be here any second? I could zap

her and we could team up against the baddies?

MICHELLE LEE

Yes, exactly. So you should run and not do that.

(dies)

FLORENCE PUGH

I will after I rip the tracker out of my leg! Which since I

was under total mind control could have just been on my

belt. Did they switch my tracker and Scarlett's?

(runs off)

NANNA BLONDELL

(radioing)

Attention HQ! Florence is compromised; permission to unlock

Mephisto protocol!

(listens)

Well, Twitter seems pretty convinced that... okay, how about

Kang protocol?

(listens)

...Doctor Doom?

(listens)

Fine, Taskmaster will have to do, I guess.

EXT. NORWAY

SCARLETT drives to her new hideaway in the NORWEGIAN COUNTRYSIDE, where O-T FAGBENLE is waiting.

O-T FAGBENLE

Just think, Scarlett. This could be your home, right here.

The Avengers aren't a place... they're a people.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

What are you talking about-

O-T FAGBENLE

And here's a box of mail from your old safe house in

Budapest. Just some envelopes and a mysterious black case

that goes CLINKETY CLACK whenever I move it, like there are

vials or something inside. I'm sure it's not important.

And so, SCARLETT settles into her quiet adventure of surviving alone off the land. But this ain't the MINARI CINEMATIC UNIVERSE, so while driving to town, TASKMASTER BUSTS IN TO KICK ASS AND CHEW BUBBLEGUM AND I CAN'T GET BUBBLEGUM THROUGH THIS METAL FACE MASK SO SCREW YOU.

TASKMASTER

I HAVE COME FOR YOUR TINY GLASS VIALS

(explodes Scarlett's car)

NOTHING SHALL STAND BETWEEN ME AND THOSE FRAGILE, EASILY

SHATTERED VIALS

(fires rockets everywhere)

Luckily even though the cybernetic TASKMASTER has been programmed to UTTERLY PWN ANYONE WHO GETS IN THEIR WAY, the program stops juuuust short of MURDER, so SCARLETT is able to grab the VIALS and ESCAPE!

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Holy shit, the vials are attached to a picture of young

Florence with Milla Jovovich's kid! Why would Milla be

involved in... oh right, that's young me. Hmmmm.

INT. OLD APARTMENT BUILDING - BUDAPEST

SCARLETT arrives in BUDAPEST with the VIALS and her BRIGHT FLAMING VERY DISTINCTIVE EASILY SPOTTED RED HAIR, like, finally a situation where it would really make sense to dye, and you choose NOT to? Anyhoo at her old safe house, she finds--FLORENCE PUGH!

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

I got the vials you sent me, so I'm here to ask you about

that.

(facekicks Florence)

FLORENCE PUGH

And clearly, I wanted your help dealing with them, so I'll be

happy to tell you everything.

(throws Scarlett into furniture)

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Clearly.

(slams Florence's head into wall)

FLORENCE PUGH

Wait, what's going on? Is this the thing where superheroes

always have to fight in their first scene together?

(throws knives)

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Yeah, I guess.

(strangles)

FLORENCE PUGH

Fine, I declare that obligation fulfilled so we can get on

with this. So as you may have surmised, the Red Room is

still operational and creating Widows, and its evil

mastermind, Ray Winstone, is still alive.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

(gasps)

Ray... alive?!? But there was a huge explosion that I

assumed he was in! Nobody in the MCU has ever come back from

something like that!

Just then, GENERIC-BRAND WIDOWS burst in, forcing SCARFLO to FLEE! They race across the ROOF, chased by NANNA, and eventually, they all FALL SEVERAL STORIES, but NANNA hits the ground DIRECTLY while FLORENCE is flung through glass, and SCARLETT hits three dozen metal beams on the way down, so only NANNA is badly injured.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

(mildly bruised)

I thought my shtick was being the only Avenger WITHOUT

superpowers?

(bounces ax blade off wrist)

Huh.

NANNA BLONDELL

(straining)

Argh... Ray... controlling me to... fatally shoot myself...

even though Scarlett... is standing like right there and I

have a clean shot...

(dead)

EXT. THE FAST AND FURIOUS STREETS OF BUDAPEST

SCARFLO steal a CAR and are chased by TASKMASTER IN A TANK, aka TANKMASTER!

TASKMASTER

I would have attacked right away with the Widows, but I

really didn't want to leave this thing double-parked.

FLORENCE PUGH

We need a plan! Scarlett, drive really fast while I make

sarcastic quips and generally make fun of how lame you are

in your own movie. That should do it!

The plan appears to be working, but TANKMASTER uses an EXPLOSIVE ARROW to EXPLODE SCARFLO'S CAR and make it BOUNCE OFF FIVE OTHER CARS, carom off a GIANT PINBALL BUMPER, skid down a SIX FLAGS WATER SLIDE, bounce off a SHOP AWNING, and finally crash DOWN A FLIGHT OF SUBWAY STAIRS where it finally spins to a stop UPSIDE-DOWN.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

(hair mussed)

Um, good thing we wore our seat belts! Ha ha ha, we should

be dead.

TASKMASTER

Wow, I got you guys with a HAWKEYE skill, that's gotta

sting.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

C'mon Florence, I know a secret hiding spot, this small

ceiling compartment where Renner and I once camped out

non-stop for three days! Just, ah, avoid that one corner.

TASKMASTER

Ew.

(leaves)

INT. GAS STATION OFF THE HIGHWAY - LATER ON

SCARFLO stop for some extra SUPPLIES and BACKSTORY.

FLORENCE PUGH

I notice you didn't ask about Winstone's daughter. I assume

you killed her?

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Same explosion that I thought killed Ray. But I was looking

right at her when it went boom, so THIS time there's NOOOOO

WAY she survived, certainly not without some kind of

cybernetic enhancements and turning into an inhuman killing

machine, but what are the odds of that happening AGAIN.

FLORENCE PUGH

How come you never looked for me? I guess you were too busy

being an AVENGER and AVENGING stuff with the AVENGERS and

hanging around AVENGERS headquarters.

STORE CLERK WHO COULD PROBABLY MAKE SOME SWEET COIN TURNING IN A WORLDWIDE FUGITIVE FROM JUSTICE

(glued to soccer game)

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Well, I assumed you'd probably just up and left the evil

ruthless assassin program that I barely escaped and were

living a boring, drab life with zero problems that my fame or

skills or influence could do anything about.

FLORENCE PUGH

That figures. Well, I don't hold a grudge, so don't worry, I

won't steal your whole movie or anything.

They go for FOOD and gaze wistfully at a HAPPY CAR MECHANIC and his HAPPY FAMILY being HAPPY together, so they STEAL HIS CLIENT'S CAR, HA HA HAVE FUN SAVING YOUR JOB NOW YOU STUPID DUMB HAPPY MECHANIC.

EXT. RANDOM FIELD

SCARFLO meet up with O-T, who has acquired some new GEAR.

O-T FAGBENLE

I got you a helicopter, plus those new white outfits you

asked for. There was also a bag full of prototype alternate

costumes sent in by creeper fanboys that I killed with fire.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Good call, thanks. I know I asked for a jet, but turns out a

helicopter is waaaay better suited for our needs in this

case, so chalk up another win in O-T!

EXT. RUSSIAN PRISON - RUSSIA

SCARFLO acquire some baked goods and a vintage DAVID HARBOUR ACTION FIGURE, package and mail it to RUSSIAN PRISON, wait for however long it takes RUSSIAN MAIL to reach RUSSIAN PRISON, and then fly their junky-ass beat-up helicopter straight into RUSSIAN AIRSPACE to hover above the RUSSIAN PRISON.

DAVID HARBOUR

(in gen-pop)

Bwah ha, I spend all day breaking arms and boasting about

shit! How has nobody killed me in my sleep yet?

DAVID gets his mail and finds an EARPIECE in his action figure!

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

(over radio)

We're here to bust you out. Please recognize who I am

despite not hearing my voice in 21 years.

DAVID fights his way to the yard, and FLORENCE sets off an AVALANCHE that buries the entire prison, killing everyone, but our heroes GET AWAY in the nick of time!

FLORENCE PUGH

Yay, what a fun action sequence! I'm sure all the guards

were evil, especially that dog.

DAVID HARBOUR

Ah, my girls! It's so great to see you and your lack of

uteruses again. WHAT? What did I say?

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

At least that wasn't as cringy as the Age of Ultron scene.

But we don't care about you; just tell us where Ray Winstone

is!

DAVID HARBOUR

I don't know. But I DO know where to find... RACHEL WEISZ

DUN DUN DUN!

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

(spit-take)

Wait, Rachel's alive TOO?!? But she had a SHOULDER WOUND!!

FLORENCE PUGH

How long did you say you've been in the MCU again?

INT. RACHEL WEISZ'S FARM BECAUSE WE'RE ABOUT HALFWAY THROUGH A MARVEL MOVIE, WHICH IS WHEN FARMS APPEAR

The gang are greeted by ROGUE UNDERGROUND PIG SCIENTIST RACHEL WEISZ, and they head inside to drink and catch up.

RACHEL WEISZ

Yes, I've been here experimenting on pigs and developing our

super evil mind-control technology that fucks directly with

the brain itself. I can demonstrate by ordering this pig not

to breathe.

(nearly murders pig in horrifying fashion)

I'm one of the good guys.

DAVID HARBOUR

Look, I can still squeeze into my old super-suit that Rachel

has kept in a drawer for 20 years for some reason! Ah, good

to have the family together.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

I know those Vin Diesel memes have been super-viral lately,

but please. That was just spycraft; we weren't family.

FLORENCE PUGH

Oh, screw you! A mirage of normality with fleeting happiness

and long-lasting trauma, followed by decades of people

barely communicating? Seems like real family to ME!

(storms off)

DAVID goes to console FLORENCE, leaving SCARLETT and RACHEL alone.

RACHEL WEISZ

I'm sorry, Scarlett. I did care about you, and I still

treasure our time together.

(smiles)

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

I guess maybe... we really were family.

(smiles)

RACHEL WEISZ

I guess so.

(smiles)

Oh, I alerted the bad guys, and they'll be here to murder you

soon.

(evil smile)

But I'm going to double-cross them and help you.

(warm smile)

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Damn. Guess we barely have time for me to switch outfits,

you put on my outfit, both get fully geared up, prep face

masks, and devise a thorough plan, all without ever taking

five seconds to step into the next room and warn Florence

and David.

Eventually, TASKMASTER and the MALT-O-MEAL WIDOWS arrive and CAPTURE our heroes with the help of RACHEL, APPARENTLY!

EXT. BIG FLYING SKY FORTRESS - THE RED ROOM!

Our heroes are flown to RAY'S FLYING CASTLE, and unconscious DAVID and FLORENCE are taken inside.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Ah, so the reason nobody could find this crucial secret

location is--that it's suspended high above the surface!

(frowns)

Is this gonna be our go-to move with every female-lead

movie?

(knocked out)

RACHEL strides past the KNOCKOFF WIDOWS practicing their AMERICA'S NEXT TOP DANCE CREW ROUTINE, and reports to RAY WINSTONE.

RAY WINSTONE

I know we need to do the goofy face-mask tech at some point,

so you might as well reveal yourself... SCARLETT!

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

(dramatically rips off mask, plus two dozen earrings)

OW- yes, it's me; you fell right into our trap! Rachel's gonna

hack your systems, Florence is gonna free the other Widows

and David will, I dunno, fart the alphabet or something. Now

I can murder you dead, um, right after you politely ask

Taskmaster over there to leave without demolishing me,

please and thanks? Ha ha ha.

RAY WINSTONE

Taskmaster? Oh, you mean... MY DAUGHTER, OLGA KURYLENKO, DUN

DUN DUNNNN!!

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Well yeah, her name was in the opening credits and has been

looming over this movie like an undropped shoe ever since, I

didn't think she was gonna be Barista Girl #3.

RAY WINSTONE

I rebuilt her with cybernetics, and now she has the fighting

skills of all the Avengers, even Ant-Man, who has normal

human skill, but you gotta have the whole collection, right?

Anyway, I shall send her after the others now, begone!

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Bad move, Ray, now I can shoot you-

(freezes!)

Or maybe stab you-

(freezes!)

Dammit! Okay, hang on, I could drop a heavy weight above you,

telling myself I'm going to catch it, but then NOT catch it,

and-

RAY WINSTONE

It's no use! All Widows have a pheromone lock that means if

you can smell me, you're unable to harm me. And just to make

extra sure, I haven't showered in 10 days. You are helpless!

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Curse my clear nasal passageways! Wait, is this why I always

feel compelled to buy every allergy medication I see?

RAY WINSTONE

Post-hypnotic suggestion for the win! It's all part of my

ingenious insurance policy that's protected me for decades,

the only possible failing of which would be a theoretical

worldwide pandemic where the infected lose their sense of

smell BUT WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF THAT HAPPENING AMIRITE MWAH

HA HA HA

INT. MEANWHILE ELSEWHERE IN THE FLOATING FORTRESS

DAVID has been locked up with SCARLETT, who is really RACHEL, and who opens their cell!

DAVID HARBOUR

Aw, and I just did my big heartfelt speech to Scarlett! I

really am just doomed to failure, it seems.

(rips pants)

RACHEL WEISZ

It's okay. I secretly gave Florence an earpiece and

concealed knife, so as long as Ray's guards have absolutely

zero initiative...

(on radio)

Florence? Are you okay?

FLORENCE PUGH

(on radio)

Yeah, fine, they're about to surgically remove my brain so

they can see how the un-mind-control sparkles work. You'd

think they'd start with an MRI or something, but I guess

that's not evil enough?

RACHEL WEISZ

Well, after you bust free, head down to the labs and find the

vials. They'll be the only red substance in the entire huge

giant lab. Meanwhile, I'll find the Mandatory Third Act

Exploding Collapsing Enemy Base button and push it.

DAVID HARBOUR

And what'll I do-

(clobbered by Olga)

OH, OKAY, I THINK I UNDERSTAND THIS ASSIGNMENT

(curbstomped all over the damn place)

INT. BACK IN RAY'S OFFICE

RAY continues to gloat to SCARLETT.

RAY WINSTONE

I have secret Widow agents around the world, all under my

control. Here they are on my big evil red map! Look at all

the stock disaster footage I can unlock with this control

pad, right here, unlocked by this ring found on this finger!

(points)

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Ha ha, now I can reveal that I knew about your pheromone

trick all along!

RAY WINSTONE

Oh shit, so you wore special spy noseplugs?

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Ah, nope, didn't think of that. Oops. Instead, tell me a

random fan theory about Loki.

RAY WINSTONE

Okay... some kid on TikTok thinks Owen Wilson is really a

Thor variant because he had sala,d and Rene Russo told Thor

to eat a salad.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

That'll do it.

(headdesks TO THE EXTREME)

Dere, now I can'd smell ad all!

(beads up Ray)

ID IS DIME DO DEAL OUD ULDIMAD JUSDICE

(dakes aim)

But just then, SCARLETT is attacked by the KIRKLAND SIGNATURE BRAND WIDOWS!!

RAY WINSTONE

Phew! Ahem, please murder her, my minions. But take your

time, give a chance for a last-second rescue, you know the

drill.

(leaves)

The WIDOWS begin mopping the floor with SCARLETT, but luckily, there is a LAST-SECOND RESCUE!

FLORENCE PUGH

It's me, Scarlett, I strapped all the vials together with an

explosive juuuuust powerful enough to destroy all but two of

them!

(sparklebombs!)

WIDOWS

Ah, that's better. So now I guess we all go clobber Ray and

his handful of guards? I mean now we have a whole elite

fighting force that's extra motivated to-

FLORENCE PUGH

No, I'll fight Ray alone.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

And I'll grab the sleeper-agent data and fight Olga alone.

WIDOWS

(shrug)

(piss off)

Meanwhile, RACHEL pushes the BUTTON, and the ENTIRE BASE begins BLOWING UP! SCARLETT gets the DATA and then OUTRUNS A FIREBALL and LEAPS OUTSIDE and DODGES ANOTHER FIREBALL by LEAPING BACK INSIDE and then SHAKES IT ALL ABOUT and DOES THE HOKEY POKEY and then finds OLGA who has been locked up by DAVID HARBOUR HAHAHAHA AS IF OBVIOUSLY IT WAS ALSO RACHEL WEISZ DID THAT.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Dang, I can't de-brainwash Olga with her helmet on. Hm,

should I offer to free her if she removes her helmet first?

(shakes head)

Way too easy. I'll let her out so she can whup my ass and

then, um, improvise the rest. Okay, here we go!

CORRIDOR

THAT IS AN AWFUL PLAN SCARLETT

(rips itself in half to prevent fight)

Meanwhile, RAY is about to escape on a PLANE!

FLORENCE PUGH

You're not getting away, Ray! I'm gonna explode one of your

engines!

RAY WINSTONE

Oh. I should probably get off then.

FLORENCE PUGH

Okay, but what if... you didn't?

RAY WINSTONE

Well all right. I mean, not like an explosion's gonna

matter--

However, the SFX TEAM makes it EXCEEDINGLY CLEAR that THIS particular explosion ABSOLUTELY ONE ZILLION PERCENT MATTERS as it CONSUMES RAY AND INCINERATES HIM UTTERLY!! Well, except for his GLASSES anyway.

RAY'S GLASSES

HA HA HA, WE'LL MEET AGAIN, FLOREEENNNNCE

(fly off)

FLORENCE is flung OFF THE STATION and plummets downward! SCARLETT plummets after her with a PARACHUTE and catches her, but then sees OLGA is plummeting towards them both!

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Hm, there's still a chance Florence doesn't have unbreakable

bones, she should probably keep the chute.

(pushes her away)

SCARLETT and OLGA fight and fight, and at the last second OLGA remembers she has a built-in chute and ACTIVATES it. They LAND!

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

I'm a bit surprised all of Ray's armored guards on his

floating base didn't have built-in chutes, honestly.

GUARDS

(falling to death)

AT LEAST WE HAVE GUNS TO TRY AND KILL PEOPLE IN OUR FINAL

MOMENTS

(go splat)

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Right. Now I just gotta defeat Olga, who has all my fight

skill plus every Avenger's fight skill and who has totally

crushed me every other time.

(brightens)

But I have the extra two vials! It really is helpful that

they only shatter when their current owner really wants them

to.

(sparklebombs Olga!)

OLGA KURYLENKO

I... am myself again. Yay! Now I can hate you for exploding

me as a small child, of my own free will. Gimme a hug!

EXT. HEY, IT'S ANOTHER RANDOM BIG FIELD, THIS TIME DISTINGUISHED BY ITS BEING COVERED IN BITS OF EXPLODED EVIL HQ

SCARLETT searches and finds FLORENCE, who is OKAY!

FLORENCE PUGH

Good work, sis. Here, have my vest, thus completing the

origin story of Scarlett's Infinity War Vest! I know

everyone was itching to know the origin of that vest.

RACHEL WEISZ

And we're okay too! We got to a plane and crashed, but David

cushioned our landing with his groin.

LOBLAWS PRESIDENT'S CHOICE WIDOWS

(landing)

Our plane still works! We're gonna go catch the "This

Changes Everything" doc on Netflix, you can come along if

you want.

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

(squints)

Oh, hey, here comes William Hurt to arrest me. His troops are

moments away, so we only have like 10 minutes to say our

goodbyes.

(hugs Florence)

Here, take the data disk and the last vial. And Olga, why

not. You must carry on the mission to save the Widows!

FLORENCE PUGH

Shouldn't you escape with the rest of us? At the start of

Infinity War you're still on the run, so that'd be a simple

way to seamlessly transition to-

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Nah, it's okay, I'm gonna wait here and deal with that 56-car

convoy by myself. I just have to

EXT. TWO WEEKS LATER

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Well that was easy! And look, I have the Infinity War blonde

hair now!

O-T FAGBENLE

Meanwhile, I got you a Quinjet because like that's hard. So

when you find Chris Evans, are you gonna tell him about the

worldwide network of sleeper agents that could crash the

world economy at a moment's notice? Maybe suggest you guys

go help with that? Or mention the events of this movie in

any way?

SCARLETT JOHANSSON

(points to hair)

This is all those assholes care about; why even bother?

CREDITS

EXT. EPILOGUE -- POST-ENDGAME

In a secluded cemetery, FLORENCE and her DOG visit SCARLETT'S GRAVE because apparently SOME PEOPLE CARED ENOUGH TO ACTUALLY DO A PROPER FAREWELL, SORRY SHE DIDN'T HAVE A BIG ROBOT HEART TO FLOAT DOWN A RIVER, BUT I GUESS THAT'S WHY YOU'RE THE AVENGERS NOT THE MEMORIALIZERS.

JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUSS

Hey there! I have a new job for you, wackily!

(does Elaine dance)

FLORENCE PUGH

I work for you now? I guess that means my big huge

global-Widow-rescue mission got wrapped up offscreen,

whatever.

(shrugs)

So who's the target?

JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUSS

How'd you like to get the one responsible for Scarlett's

death... namely, JEREMY RENNER DUN DUN DUNNN!!!

FLORENCE PUGH

(pause)

Okay, I know we like to behave like everyone in the MCU has

watched all the MCU movies, but come on, how the FUCK do we

know that? Did Jeremy write a big tell-all book? Anyway I

still blame Mecharen Gillan for not figuring out the

love-sacrifice angle before the mission, and what's more-

JULIA LOUIS-DREYFUSS

Look, we're committed to a Hawkeye show, and it needs all the

help it can get.

END

Top Image: Marvel Studios