7 Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Grifter Trump Kids' Books

7 How the People Trumped Ronald Plump Was A Moronic, Premature Cash-In

The Krassenstein brothers represented everything wrong with people who thought that tweeting "The Resistance won't let President Cheeto Butt get away with this!" whenever Trump got away with something was the zenith of democratic engagement. Their pivot from Ponzi scheme hucksters to making the dumbest people in your yoga class believe that Trump was perpetually on the verge of defeat culminated in 2018's How the People Trumped Ronald Plump, a book for parents who got mad at their child's Kindergarten curriculum for not including the vegan perspective on Iran-Contra. While most infamous for portraying Robert Mueller as a bangable Ubermensch ...

... there was also a "Persistent Warren" homunculi escaping from the President's bag o' rape (but, you know, a family-friendly one) ... 

... the villainous Loudimir Tootin (got his ass) ... 

... and horrible hair jokes that somehow didn't topple Trump's presidency. 

The Krassensteins were mercifully banned from Twitter for "purchasing account interactions" and, God willing, will never be mentioned again until one of them murders the other during a passionate argument over what to call their cryptocurrency newsletter.

6 The Donald the Caveman Trilogy Taught Kids Conspiracy Theories

When conservative radio commentator Eric Metaxas wasn't busy assaulting a protestor and writing biographies that make credible historians weep with rage, he was cranking out Donald Drains the Swamp, Donald Builds the Wall, and Donald and the Fake News, the worst trilogy outside of whatever DC is developing right now.

Both Metaxas and the Krassensteins joked that their books would be "yuge," which shows what a waste of paper these all were. One grifter's "LOL Trump's so dumb" was just another's "LOL Trump triggers his haters," and both victimized kids who only wanted grandma to give them video games for Christmas. But Metaxas' books also documented his increasing descent into senility. Sure, his first installment, released in 2018, taught unfortunate children about the evil, ugh, George-o-saurus (get it?!?!), but at least it's a vaguely comprehensible parable. But then, after using all of his mighty intellectual prowess to conjure up a whole one idea, Metaxas ran out of them.

And so in 2019, "the awful Swamp Creatures decided to put together a caravan of troublemakers to come back and take over the country." Yes, Metaxas, who styles himself as a Very Serious Intellectual, put a children's book twist on the old canard that "sneaky Jews" are employing foreigners to invade America. It's the satirical equivalent of screaming that you're owning the libs in-between sucking the marrow from an impoverished child's bones. 

Then in 2020, Metaxas tried to get kids invested in Twitter drama, which should be an act worthy of investigation by child welfare services, before going all-in on "Democrats rigged the election!" conspiracies. He said he'd be "happy to die in this fight," so look forward to his next hilarious children's book, Donald Urges Cavemen to Beat A Cavecop to Death. 

5 Donald Don't Grab That Pussy Was Just Straight Up Baffling

The problem with anti-Trump children's books was that it's difficult to translate "And then he bragged about being good at sexual assault but got elected anyway" into child-friendly language. Some books used a thin Trump stand-in for otherwise apolitical anti-bullying stories, but Donald Don't Grab That Pussy took the alternative approach of being straight-up bonkers. 

The joke, for lack of a better word, is that a child Trump who looks disturbingly adult, is told to not molest various animals. Now, I know what you're asking. What animals does Trump meet? I'll let the author field that: "Animals Donald meets: Pussy Cat Rex the Dog Hamster Pony (At the Covfefe Ranch) Bird Now with a Pot Belly Pig!!!" 

Oh, and Donald Trump is taught to "use his tiny hands in a kind way that promotes the importance of treating life with respect and care" by Michelle Obama. So I'm just going to say what we're all thinking: this is a fetish thing. The writer of this "fun-spirited accessory for any library or coffee table" cranked it to the image of Michelle Obama lecturing a suit and boxer clad white man-child. Don't hate me for being right. 

One disappointed reader said "Lame book. Not funny at all like the title suggests," which raises the question of exactly what kind of wordsmithing masterclass they'd expected from a book called, again, Donald Don't Grab That Pussy. Other reviewers, however, raved about it, which is going to backfire when their kids grow up and say, "Hey, I have a quick question about a childhood memory. What the shit was wrong with you?" 

4 Sam and the Trump Hat Makes You Root For The Bullies

Sam has been given a "Keep America Great" hat for his birthday because Sam's parents think the Hatchimal he wanted endorses the godless theory of evolution. He's a "big fan of President Trump" because eight-year-olds are definitely invested in bloated septuagenarians who ramble about Craig Melvin being mean to them, but his beloved gift "ends up causing him more trouble than he ever imagined." 

"Advocate for children," Reva Beck wrote this book, "after becoming increasingly alarmed, frustrated and saddened at the extreme hatred and attacks perpetrated against President Trump and his supporters." Yes, this is a book about how giving your child the hat of a man who spent years shilling for white supremacists is just a harmless difference of opinion that everyone else needs to respect. 

But what's fascinating about Sam and the Trump Hat is that it didn't come out until December 2020, meaning that Beck presumably spent four years watching children get the shit kicked out of them for parroting their parents' views at school before she decided to do something about it. And that something was to write a book that begged, "Please don't bully my child just because I'm a spineless shitweasel!" Politics aside, "Before you shove me in a locker, I beg of you to read this missive on why you shouldn't shove me in a locker" is never a winning move. If Sam is a real person, we are so sorry about the ultramarathon swirlie session you must have received when Mom sent you to school with this piece of crap.

3 Not A Single Anti-Trump Parody Was Funny

What's the one thing less funny than a bad children's book? If you guessed feline leukemia, you're incorrect (because sick cats get adorable little CT scans). No, the answer is a bad children's book parody. Already a genre for adults who think a picture book with "cock" or "ass" on the cover is enough to let them cruise through a bridal shower, adding politics means you're dropping 15 bucks for the privilege of subjecting yourself or an ostensible loved one to rhymes on "economy" that would get dunked on by first graders. 

And God, there were a lot. Michael Ian Black released one in July 2016, and the best gag a professional comedian could think up was, "Have you ever noticed how Trump's hands are small? That ought to nip this problem in the bud." And yet, for four years, countless bozos still thought, "I can outdo him! I'll write even worse jokes about Trump's hands!" 

2018 gave us Goodnight Trump, a book with the balls to call itself "wickedly funny" and then show readers The Insanity Show on the "Toxic News" channel. Get it? Do you get it? Do you get it? Even more audacious was the phrase "hilarious yet poignant call to action," as if readers waffled on Trump for a couple of years before some dad jokes after poor dad suffered brain trauma finally swayed them.

Trumpty Dumpty Wanted a Crown, If You Give a Pig the White House, Sh*t My President Says, Please Don't Grab My P#$$y (yes, that is different from Donald Don't Grab That Pussy) ... the last time the laws of supply and demand were this neglected it killed the Soviet Union. But The Liddle'est President was the worst of all. Remember when there were suggestions that the Trump years would at least be good for satire? Because this book came out in 2020 and, with its rapier wit, dubbed Trump "Spanky McDumbass." This motherfucker had four years to think of something, and instead, he just plagiarised a 14-year-old's Reddit posts. 

The Liddle'est President was written by a man "better known by his Social Media Influencer title and candid political voice on Twitter, BrooklynDad_Defiant!" because "Resistance" grifters beat the dead horse until it was a fine powder. And now they're snorting that powder and trying to extend their ill-gotten careers by saying crap like "Raise your hand if having DOGS back in the WHITE HOUSE gives you a confusing but patriotic ERECTION."

2 And The Pro-Trump Parodies Were Even Worse

What's the one thing less funny than a bad children's book parody? If you guessed a bad conservative children's book parody, you are both correct and obviously an agent of Satan here to inflict suffering on a fallen people. 

The selling points of Make Children's Books Great Again include "Liberals are furious about this book" and "Guaranteed to trigger liberals," because we're trapped in a cultural Forever War and children's book writers don't even have the self-respect to be decent propagandists. "Trigger" is only accurate if followed by "exhausted sighs from." Even a one-star review from a self-described conservative lamented its "condescending tone" and "unnecessarily disparaging language directed at the opposing view" because everyone hated this crap.

But in the interest of reaching across the aisle, here's a conservative idea: rhyming "In this book, we let liberals have their ways" with "But in the end, it will be nothing but sad days" should subject you to mandatory minimum sentencing in word jail. Maybe the author can use the stimulus package to buy a goddamn thesaurus. 

1 Too Many Books Tried To Turn Trump Into A Cuddly Hero

If anti-Trump children's books struggled to capture his many flaws, pro-Trump children's books struggled to not sound like Baby's First School Shooter Manifesto. Again, there were two tactics. You could lie, like in I Am President Donald J. Trump and I Love America, which claims that Trump's favorite book is the Bible. Trump's favorite book is actually a tie between the cable TV schedule and the Google results for his own name. The last time he opened the Bible, he got angry at the Book of Numbers for not mentioning his electoral votes.

MAGA Kids, meanwhile, was an effort to convince children that a man who mocked the disabled was actually pretty swell. It's a self-defeating concept because Trump considers reading anathema, but MAGA Kids still managed to accidentally sum up the entire Trump presidency. Its author promised an entire series, only delivered one book, then let his official website rot into a GoDaddy sales page as he screwed off to work on a new project that the public completely ignored. Now he just needs to eventually have a heart attack while shanking a golf ball into a water hazard, and the metaphor will be complete. 

But it's over now. We're free. Never again will these monstrosities haunt our minds, and Amazon searches, at least until the next bozo demagogue belches half-baked rage at America. If and when that day comes, we can dredge these cultural atrocities up from accursed Goodwill shelves and warn people of what's coming.

Mark is on Twitter and wrote a book.

Top image: Little, Brown, and Co., Regnery Publishing