If 'Wonder Woman 1984' Was 10 Times Shorter and 100 Times More Honest

Too busy to watch the two-and-a-half-hour ordeal that is Wonder Woman 1984? No, you're not; who are you kidding? In any case, we sent The Editing Room into the cheetah's den to procure the abridged version of the film's screenplay, having done so many times for us in the past. So here's what they uncovered, presented on the very same screen where you probably watched the movie ...

FADE IN:

We open with a GRAND MYTHICAL IMAX edition of AMAZONIAN NINJA WARRIOR, which contributes ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to the story except to put CONNIE NIELSEN and ROBIN WRIGHT into the opening credits. Then we FAST FORWARD TO--

INT. MALL - WASHINGTON, D.C. - THE YEAR 1984!

A HEIST is underway! WONDER GADOT bursts in and uses her TIARA to SMASH ALL THE SECURITY CAMERAS in one area of the mall, before leaping and fighting all over the mall.

WONDER GADOT

Thanks to "Batman v Superman" I must preserve this bizarre 

alternate timeline, where nobody in 1984 has heard of Princess Diana!

ROBBER

If you're so intent on anonymity, why do you wear that bright, flashy 

distinctive uniform? 

WONDER GADOT

Look, people are complaining I don't wear the outfit enough as it is.

WONDER GADOT uses an IMPRESSIVE COMBO of LASSO TRICKS, COMBAT SKILL, FLOOR SLIDING, LASSO TRICKS, INSPIRING YOUNG GIRLS, and EVEN MORE LASSO TRICKS to utterly curb-stomp the INCOMPETENT GOOBER ROBBERS that barely warranted thirty seconds of her time!

WONDER GADOT

There! I hope everyone appreciated all the 1980s references we packed

into this scene because we mention the '80s like twice more, and that's it.

POPPED-COLLAR RUBIK'S CUBE DRINKING NEW COKE

    (sad face)

INT. THE SMITHSONIAN INSTITUTE WHERE YOU CAN APPARENTLY HOLD THE SAME JOB FOR A HUNDRED YEARS AND NOBODY ASKS QUESTIONS

At her day job, GAL, who is GOOD in HEELS, meets new hire KRISTEN WIIG, who is TERRIBLE in HEELS!

KRISTEN WIIG

Hi, I'm a quirky, awkward character who talks under her breath a lot, gosh 

who saw THAT coming.

    (drops files all over floor)

GAL GADOT

    (voted homecoming queen)

The FBI needs our help identifying this black-market stuff from the 

mall heist. All they found was this packing slip saying "PAID FOR BY 

PEDRO PASCAL, PLEASE DELIVER TO PEDRO PASCAL INC. 

C/O PEDRO PASCAL" and they're stumped.

KRISTEN WIIG

Some of it's clearly fake... I mean, look at this dumb stone; it says it 

can grant wishes. Snorf!

    (falls into swimming pool)

CO-WORKER

Well, I wish I had coffee!

    (gets coffee immediately)

GAL GADOT

Hmm. I wish I had Chris Pine back.

    (sorry, due to pandemic restrictions, your wish is 

being held at the warehouse. Expect delivery within 5 business days)

KRISTEN WIIG

And I wish I was as strong and sexy and cool as Gal!

    (on it! say, did you want to add anything about having her 

resistance to electricity, maybe?)

Huh? Why would I--

    (never mind)

The next day, despite her previous struggles with HEELS, KRISTEN is now GREAT IN HEELS! Also, she has catlike reflexes and blah blah, but more importantly, the staff is visited by THE MAXWELL-LORDIAN HIMSELF, PEDRO PASCAL!

PEDRO PASCAL

    (smiling broadly)

Hello everyone! You probably recognize me and my face from all 

my TV commercials starring my face that I've done. I've donated a 

heap of money to your department, and there's a huge party tonight 

to celebrate!

GAL GADOT

    (smugly)

Actually, I don't own a TV. Also, people who go to parties are 

assholes. Non-Vegans are pure scum.

    (forms high school clique)

PEDRO PASCAL

Thing is, the party scene is literally the only one with any 

actual '80s music in it, so it kinda has to happen.

GAL GADOT

Ugh, FINE, see you there.

INT. BIG FANCY-ASS PARTY

GAL GADOT arrives in a STUNNING HIGH COUTURE DRESS because having utterly no social life is no excuse not to maintain your WARDROBE. After deflecting wave after wave of CREEPAZOID LOSERS, she suddenly runs into--

RANDOM GUY

Gal, it's me, Chris Pine! I can prove it; I know two lines of dialogue 

from the last movie!

GAL GADOT

    (gasps)

Yes, I see now, it's really you! ... And you've taken over the body of 

some random innocent man? Why couldn't you just appear out of 

thin air, like lots of other wishes are gonna do? This unnecessary 

wrinkle adds a WHOLE lot of unpleasant implications.

CHRIS PINE

    (frowns)

Yeah, it really really does.

    (brightens) 

But hang on, what if we just... never think about them?

GAL GADOT

    (beams)

Deal!

INT. PEDRO HQ

Meanwhile, PEDRO, having successfully ROMANCED THE STONE away from KRISTEN, takes it back to his OFFICE, which may be all fancy DOWNSTAIRS but upstairs is ... NOT FANCY! Yes, this bombastic TV personality may talk a big business game but is just a bankrupt fraud, has Russian assistants, and you get the idea.

PEDRO PASCAL

All right, stone, I've been preparing for this moment for years. 

I wish ... to BE YOU. To BE THE STONE, ITSELF!

WISHSTONE

What really? You realize that totally opens the door for me to turn 

you to stone, right? What happened to wishing for infinite wishes? 

All that prep and THIS is what you come up with.

PEDRO PASCAL

If you stoneify me, the movie ends right here, so just do 

what I want. I must acquire all the power I can to gain my 

child's respect when I grudgingly see him on alternate weekends!

WISHSTONE

Dude, don't tempt me with ending the movie early. But ... okay.

The stone CRUMBLES as PEDRO TAKES ITS POWER!!

PEDRO PASCAL

Mwah haha! Now I can trick people into making wishes as they touch me 

and magically take any payment in return that I want, no matter 

how nonsensical! That second part's a bit convoluted, so we'd better 

not explain it for another hour or so.

INT. CHRIS'S PLACE - THE NEXT MORNING

After a night of putting their BODIES TOGETHER, GAL and CHRIS decide to put their HEADS TOGETHER.

GAL GADOT

We should figure out how this happened. There might be grave 

consequences to this kind of magical power being let loose, 

and OOOH WAIT 1980S SETTING, WE MUST DO A GOOFY 1980S CLOTHES MONTAGE!

CHRIS PINE

YES, GIMME ALL THE 1980S CLOTHES; WHY MAKE THE COSTUME

 DEPARTMENT CHOOSE WHEN I CAN WEAR ALL OF THEM!

GAL GADOT

SOOO EIGHTIES well, that was fun, but time to settle on a fairly non-goofy 

outfit so we can get back to the serious task of OOOH WAIT LAST 

MOVIE I WAS THE FISH OUT OF WATER NOW IT'S YOU, MUST DO 

REVERSE FISH MONTAGE!!

CHRIS PINE

YES, PLEASE; YAY SIGHTSEEING! WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS ALL THIS?!

GAL GADOT

LOOK SUBWAYS THAT DON'T STOP YAY; well, oops, it seems while 

we were gallivanting around Pedro has been busy accumulating 

wealth and power, and now he's in Cairo to kick things up a notch.

CHRIS PINE

We've gotta get there! But to do that, we'd need some sort of ... JET!

    (winks)

GAL GADOT

Yes, let's SEE if we can find a JET!

    (winks)

EXT. THE SMITHSONIAN

GAL takes CHRIS to the museum's back lot of archived JETS that are kept fully fuelled and maintained and ready to fly at a moment's notice.

CHRIS PINE

Aw yeah, of course, I can pilot this airplane 60 years into my future!

 Sure an escalator made me soil my britches, but still.

    (takes off)

GAL GADOT

And suddenly, I can make things invisible!

    (makes jet disappear)

Yes, finally, I have an invisible jet. Which reminds me, I should learn

 to fly this movie, thus making the invisible jet pointless. Chris,

how do you fly?

CHRIS PINE

    (actual line)

It's so easy, really. It's about wind, about air. You ride it, catch it, 

join with it.

    (pause)

Also, having a plane helps. Like, A LOT.

GAL GADOT: 

    (nods sagely)

I see. Anyway, now we can fly to Egypt and thwart Pedro before 

he unleashes untold havoc on OOOH WAIT FIREWORKS 

WOW FLY THROUGH THE PRETTY FIREWORKS CHRIS--

CHRIS PINE

LOOK IF I FLY HIGHER FIREWORKS THROUGH CLOUDS EVEN MOAR PRETTY

GAL GADOT

SOOOOOOOOO PRETTYYYYYYYY

    (hours pass)

EXT. CAIRO - THE NEXT DAY

In exchange for DESTABILIZING THE MIDDLE EAST AND THE WORLD ECONOMY, PEDRO scores himself a SECURITY DETAIL and some MILITARY VEHICLES, talk about the art of the deal. On a desert highway, PEDRO'S CONVOY zooms past a TAXI with GAL and CHRIS in it!

GAL GADOT

There he is! Wait, why did we ditch the invisible jet for a beat-up 

taxi? Anyway, let's get him!

    (magically summons Wonder Gadot costume!)

CHRIS PINE

Okay, look, you were SO NOT wearing your costume under that 

flimsy blouse; come on. I distinctly remember that last movie 

you had to carry it around.

WONDER GADOT

Yeah yeah. Time to go Raiders on this bitch!

WONDER GADOT begins WRECKING THE DESERT CONVOY all IN-'DIANA' JONES STYLE!!

CHRIS PINE

    (leaping between tanks, punching and kicking soldiers)

Gotta say this random love-handled engineer I've possessed is in 

seriously GREAT shape.

However, GAL gets WOUNDED! Between that and having to save THE WORLD'S MOST OBLIVIOUS CHILDREN, PEDRO gets away, leaving GAL and the KIDS lying in the middle of the road.

CHRIS PINE

Don't worry! I skidded my tank to within an inch of you; you're safe!

WONDER GADOT

Can't help but notice everyone else just casually drove AROUND us, 

the only vehicle that almost smooshed us was you.

CHRIS PINE

I'm worried, Gal. You're clearly not at full power, and even 

worse your theme music lost the electric cello. Something's not right.

WONDER GADOT

We can't fret about that now! Let's see if Kristen's found any more plot.

    (phones)

KRISTEN WIIG

    (over phone)

Hey guys. So yeah, the entire Smithsonian library was useless, but 

then I stumbled on some random-ass flyer that just happened 

to have the address of a guy who just happened to have an ancient book

 that explains everything.

    (shrugs)

Anyway seems like the stone is a Monkey's Paw situation where

 it grants wishes but extracts a terrible cost yadda yadda, but we're 

all cool with that, right? Right?

WONDER GADOT

It's as I feared. To avert utter catastrophe, we'll need to get everyone 

to renounce their greatest, dearest wish. Well, that should be easy. 

It's not like we'd be asking anything astronomical like wearing 

a piece of cloth over half your face for a few weeks, for FUCK'S SAKE.

INT. THE WHITE HOUSE

PEDRO keeps granting WISHES, but it's NEVER ENOUGH!! So he somehow gets someone to WISH for him to meet with PRESIDENT NOT-REAGAN!

PEDRO PASCAL

Hack! Cough! Shit, I'm getting more and more ill, which I guess

 is MY terrible price that I'm paying to ... myself? Since I'm the 

stone now? Anyway, tell me your wish, President Not-Reagan!

PRESIDENT NOT-REAGAN

More nukes, of course! Lots and lots of nukes everywhere! 

And hey, if we all get blown up, I'll just run on a low-taxes 

platform next time.

PEDRO PASCAL

Done! In return, I want all your power and authority. 

But also, I'm a sovereign nation, but one that gives the 

USA orders. I don't even know anymore.

    (sees poster)

Hey, what's that?

PRESIDENT

Oh, that's a bullshit thing we have that can broadcast a signal

 to every screen on Earth all at once. It also wakes up the part 

of Earth that's asleep and makes them watch TV.

PEDRO PASCAL

I could use this to gather wishes from the whole world, 

all at once! Okay, even for this movie, that's nonsense. 

But, I can make someone wish that this stupid plan 

works, and then it will! 

    (That is literally what happens.)

PEDRO and his new SECRET SERVICE DETAIL start heading out, but wait, WONDER GADOT has tracked him down using her secret monitors that hack into all the SECURITY CAMERAS she hasn't already smashed! 

WONDER GADOT

I've got you lassoed, Pedro! Now to show you the truth about your 

motivations with a flashback to your horrible childhood, which will 

solve everything. Actually, I guess it's too soon for that. FIGHT TIME!

    (beats up guards)

It seems the day is won, but KRISTEN WIIG arrives with TORN STOCKINGS now!

KRISTEN WIIG

I can't let you do this, Gal. I'm good in heels now, you hear?! GOOD!

    (also beats up guards)

WONDER GADOT

No, Kristen, you can't harm these innocent guards! That's evil!

KRISTEN WIIG

Um, Gal, a minute ago, you EXPLODED a ceramic vase INTO A 

DUDE'S FACE. He could be BLIND. You throw randos into walls 

ALL THE TIME. Your boyfriend has been dragging an innocent man

 into constant mortal danger FOR DAYS. I'm keeping my wish,

 even at the terrible cost of not being a simpering pushover!

KRISTEN MOPS THE FLOOR with GAL and CHRIS and escapes with PEDRO!

EXT. WASHINGTON

GAL and CHRIS stagger through rampaging hordes of PORSCHES and HIPPIES and COWS as society begins to fall apart.

CHRIS PINE

The world needs you, Gal. You have to let me go. I mean, 

by all rights, I should only have been in the first movie anyway.

WONDER GADOT

Very well ... though it pains me, I renounce my wish! I selflessly reclaim 

all my strength and power and immortality and general awesomeness!

GAL walks away and then RUNS AND RUNS and then FLINGS HER LASSO and SOARS UPWARD!

WONDER GADOT

Now that I'm a few miles up, maybe it's a good time to learn that 

whole flying thing. 

Sure enough, she is soon FLYING FOR REALS!! 

WONDER GADOT

Wheeee! I know the world's going to hell by the second but let's take 

some time to appreciate this.

    (tries various flying postures)

And let's pick up some speed by lassoing... A CLOUD?! SERIOUSLY?! 

    (sighs)

Okay, back to work. But first, a quick detour to grab my formidable

 winged golden battle-tank armor that I probably should have

 put on the second I became vulnerable to bullets.

On her way, GAL also lassos some LIGHTNING BOLTS, which the trailer kind of suggested would be a bigger moment.

INT. MILITARY BUNKER

PEDRO uses the ridiculous nonsense thing to broadcast EVERYWHERE ON EARTH!

PEDRO PASCAL

Attention world! Wish for anything you want, and I shall grant it! 

In exchange, I will only take your health and life-force, which, 

won't that kill everyone?? Oh, and if the cast of Cats could 

please make a wish so I can give Kristen your makeup and 

costume in exchange, that'd be swell.

But outside, almost FIVE FULL SECONDS OF THE ACTUAL ELECTRIC-CELLO THEME MUSIC announces the arrival of GOLDEN WONDER GADOT! She CLOBBERS some FULLY INNOCENT MAGICALLY-CONTROLLED SOLDIERS but then--

KRISTEN WITH EXTREME WIIG AND MAKEUP

Mwah haha! Time for some CGI nonsense in super low lighting, just

 what everyone's been aching for!

They FIGHT! Or rather, GAL stands still while KRISTEN demolishes her WING SHIELD until it's gone. THEN they fight, in dramatic CIRQUE DU SOLEIL fashion! They fall into WATER with LOOSE WIRES nearby!

WONDER GADOT

Surrender Kristen! Renounce, or I'll flat-out murder your 

ass by dunking us both in the electrified water!

KRISTEN WIIG

But I'm supposed to have your powers, so how come the

 electricity zaps me but not you? This is some bullshit.

    (gets zapped!!)

Poop, guess I'm dead. Was hoping to return...

    (but not actually dead!)

Oh cool. Heh heh.

   (but definitely not a cheetah anymore)

Dammit.

GAL rushes inside and finds PEDRO surrounded by LIGHT and WIND!

PEDRO PASCAL

MWAH HA HA, I HAVE ACHIEVED MY ULTIMATE GOAL OF 

HAVING MY OWN PODIUM AND LOTS OF WIND!

 FOOLISH MORTALS, I SHALL TAKE ALL OF YOUR WIND!!!

WONDER GADOT

Argh! Powerless against all this wind! If only 

my lasso could work against things like air and clouds and wind!

However, while GAL slumps in a corner defeatedly, her LASSO sort of crawls over by itself off-screen and loops itself around PEDRO!

WONDER GADOT

Haha, now I can talk to the entire planet! 

    (clears throat)

ATTENTION WORLD THIS IS WONDER GADOT. PLEASE LISTEN

 TO ME AND RENOUNCE YOUR WISHES JUST AS I, WONDER GADOT, 

HAVE DONE. ONLY IF EVERYONE ON EARTH HEEDS MY WORDS 

CAN WE BE SAFE. YOURS TRULY, WONDER GADOT, PRINCESS OF 

THE AMAZONS.

PEDRO PASCAL

Soooo... how's that whole anonymity thing going?

WONDER GADOT

    (smashes security camera)

It's fine.

PEDRO PASCAL

    (double-takes)

Oh no, your lasso has shown me that the imminent worldwide nuclear 

attacks I've caused also threaten my kid! Okay, fine, I renounce my 

wish! There, that should also undo all the wishes I granted,

 right? Maybe wipe everyone's memories? 

WONDER GADOT

HAHAHAHA that would be a much cleaner wrap-up now, 

wouldn't it? But nope. Everyone's gotta renounce!

RANDOM ELDERLY WOMAN SOMEWHERE

Um, I wished my husband didn't have Alzheimer's. Do I have to 

renounce that too?

WONDER GADOT

No look, apparently every single person on Earth made a horrible selfish 

wish. And now each and every single person is going to 

have a huge change of heart and renounce it. Completely 

plausible on every level.

The PRESIDENTIAL HELICOPTER flies PEDRO back to WASHINGTON just as a bonus freebie or whatever. Miraculously PEDRO finds his KID amongst all the RUBBLE, and they RECONCILE!

HUGE ANGRY MOB READY TO TEAR PEDRO TO SHREDS FOR ALL THE CRAP HE PULLED

Oh, it's okay everyone, his kid still loves him! Stand down!

    (goes for ice cream)

EXT. THE NEXT DAY OOPS, THE RELEASE GOT PUSHED BACK BY COVID SO LET'S SAY LABOUR DAY HALLOWEEN THANKSGIVING SCREW IT, CHRISTMAS

With ALL OF EARTH deciding to call a MULLIGAN on the whole movie and say NO HARD FEELINGS, everything is AWESOME! GAL wanders through a Christmas square and bumps into RANDOM GUY.

RANDOM GUY

Hey, do you know what happened over the July 4th weekend? 

I blacked out for five days and apparently attacked the Secret Service. 

I just hope my body wasn't psychically hijacked and used

 for sexual purposes without my consent, because that would be 

horrifying! Hahaha.

GAL GADOT

Wow, we just had to drive home our single worst story choice 

right at the end, didn't we? How am I gonna distract the audience

 from OOOOH LOOK, IT'S LYNDA CARTER EVERYONE YAAAAYYYYY!

And so, the MOVIE AUDIENCE gets their WISH for a big-budget streaming release but PAYS THE IRONIC PRICE of it being terrible.

END

Top Image: Warner Bros.