Some Monster Decided To Air Fry A Hot Dog For Two Hours
Despite popular misconception, the modern bourgeoisie of our society consists of more than just Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk, and as Senator Bernie Sanders so aptly put it with his endearing Brooklyn accent, "the one percent." It turns out the pretentious upper class of our can be easily determined by the contents not of one's bank account, but that of one's kitchen, namely whether one owns a glorified, miniature oven -- a.k.a. an air fryer.
However, some of these modern elites have used their firm position on the culinary pedestal above us all for the greater good -- in the form of bastardizing a perfectly good hot dog for our collective entertainment and the sake of science.
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While the majority of us nursed the hangover from a Zoom New Years Eve's party (or, well, from polishing off a bottle of two-buck chuck while watching Mr.305 perform to a mostly empty Times Square and a handful of heroic first responders #dale), Twitter user @KLobstar embarked on a mission to air fry a single hot dog for two hours, for no reason other than just to "see what happens."
At first, the cooking process seemed to be running smoothly, even mirroring a few highly-rated air-fried frankfurters recipes ...
... with the weiner still looking fairly good ten minutes in.
Despite this early success, it seems @KLobstar's wife was allegedly irked at this frankfurter experiment, as most any reasonable person would be after realizing the odor-related implications of their partner intentionally charring a poor, unwitting hot dog solely for the internet's amusement.
Soon after, Twitter's new official hot dog cooking' maverick found himself at a crossroads -- to flip, or not to flip, a question singed with the conflicting prospects of burning meat and experimental integrity.
Seemingly frozen by indecision, ten ...
... twenty ...
.. and then more thirty minutes elapsed. The first examination was upon us.
Upon its extraction, the hot dog's casing was shriveled and charred, the meat tube that could have once been destined for a baseball stadium snack, a small, backyard cookout, or even a little meaty octopus in some lucky kid's bento box lunch had warped into something almost resembling a terrifying-ly burnt chicken wing. Yet somehow, its odor somehow even managed to surpass its ghastly appearance, a truly miraculous feat.
Per his initial vow, @KLobstar wasn't out of the woods yet, flipping the now jerky-like snack and placing it back into the air fryer, a daunting 80 more minutes of cook time ahead, to the likely disdain of his wife's nostrils.
Just ten minutes later, the putrid stench became so overwhelming, his family evacuated the premises, as he simply opened the windows to air out their likely smoke-filled kitchen.
In light of this emigration, and apparently some collusion with Twitter's wide population of scientists, @KLobstar decided to pull the thoroughly browned food from the air fryer, to give it a break to cool.
To paraphrase Bon Jovi's 1986 hit, Woah, we're halfway there, the next hour of cook time was truly livin' on a prayer.
After some time, back in it went ...
... Our brave chef already feeling a sense of remorse.
Yet never the less, he persisted, through the foul scents ...
... cautionary bottles of FIRE GONE ...
... comparisons to a swine locked inside a warm car for weeks on end ...
... and the ever-angry spouse ...
... yet finally, he made it to the "mummified," fire-scented promised land ...
.. which apparently tasted like carbon and resembled a private part.
Alas, even 18 hours of rehydration couldn't salvage the frank, in fact, making it even worse.
So Mr. Lobstar, wherever you are, the internet thanks you for your pursuit of scientific excellence. Your Nobel Prize will arrive, only slightly burnt, in eight to 10 business days. To quote one of your experimenting forefathers, Jesse Pinkman, "Yeah, science!"
For more internet nonsense, follow Carly on Instagram @HuntressThompson_ and on Twitter @TennesAnyone.
