Pandas Will Do It, News Will Report On It

What untold horrors have pandas wrought upon the world that made them enter a silent and slowly unfolding pact to self-genocide to save the world from themselves? That's the only way to explain why they're so hesitant to have sex to keep their species going. They literally can't fuck to save their lives, thus explaining why every panda orgasm makes headlines. Take the most recent and very long overdue panda orgasm, for example:

Those two giant pandas in a Hong Kong theme park zoo just had sex for the first time after spending nearly 10 years together. They were really pushing the limits of the sitcom "will they/won't they" dynamic. The sound they're making is a little unexpected. One would imagine two large heaving beasts would make a deeper, more guttural sound. Who could have guessed that mating pandas sound like an old car that won't start? (Though it's the perfect metaphor for a whole decade of non-mating.)

What makes this particular panda orgasm interesting is that it happened when the park was closed because of the pandemic. We're in early April. The park has been closed since January 26. It took nearly 10 years plus four months of relative solitude to finally look at each other, shrug, and say "Fuck it. Let's do this." Still, there might be something to the pandemic acting as a panda aphrodisiac. Either these pandas can't orgasm unless they sense death or they just needed a little privacy. Either way, all relate to that pretty soon.

Luis can be found on Twitter and Facebook. Check out his regular contributions to Macaulay Culkin's BunnyEars.com and his "Meditation Minute" segments on the Bunny Ears podcast. And now you can listen to the first episode on Youtube!

Top image: popofatticus/Flickr