Sliceable Mayo Now Exists, Civilization Can Stop Inventing Things

Has this ever happened to you? You've made yourself a delicious warm meal, but can't seem to muster the three extra seconds it takes to spoon on some delicious mayonnaise? Worry not, because the good foodgineers over in Japan are now offering a miraculous solution at the low low cost of further eroding our species' self-worth to the brink of extinction.

Because nothing screams "we've given up" better than a white flag, soon we'll be able to buy slices of "sheet-like" mayonnaise for on-the-go consumption. And while it'd be easy to think this would come from the land that brought us spray cheese, Kranch, and diabetes types 3 to 22, sliced mayo actually comes from the Japanese food company Bourbon as part of its upcoming line of Easy Cooking condiments. Sliced mayo will come in two delicious flavors, tuna and cod egg sack and promises to deliver a fuss-free, perfect serving of sauce that will melt in your warm sandwiches or cover your noodles like they too are ashamed to be seen with someone who'd buy solid mayonnaise.

Now, you may have noticed the rub right there: melting. Despite looking, feeling and preying on human depression like a Kraft's cheese singlet, sliced mayo cannot be consumed right out of the plastic. Instead, users first need to to "bake it", and surely anyone willing and able to apply heat to food has also transcended the desperation it'd take to stock up on mayonnaise discs like they're the currency in a new food-based dystopia that's powered by grandmothers spinning in their graves. Yet despite any common sense, there's a good chance the people of Japan will hail sliced mayo as the greatest invention since sliced ketchup -- which was invented in 2018 because life is suffering. Unbeknownst to many, the Japanese are loco for mayo, and in particular, a local brand of Japannaise called Kewpie.

And sliced mayo is just the latest in a long line of Japanese foodstuffs that show that mayo isn't just a food condiment, it's the main event. Other mayo miracles the Japanese have whipped up include mayo pudding and mayo ice creams bars because there's nothing you want more on a hot summer day than the smell and sensation of lukewarm mayonnaise greasing its way down your hand.

And all these can be enjoyed in one of Japan's mayonnaise cafes, which of course you'll be far too busy to visit if you're the kind of person who takes their mayo in slices.

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