That 'Unreleasable' Tom Holland Sci-Fi Movie Now Has A Release Date

One of the worst parts of being a modern movie fan is all the hype, with studios expecting us to get pumped about a movie that's not being released for three years just because it stars Tom Hardy and Baby Yoda. And while we're usually pretty good at avoiding becoming another windshield-splattered victim that the hype train driver has to talk about in his work-mandated therapy sessions, we want to take this opportunity to raise awareness of what surely will be the most spectacular sight-unseen movie experience of 2021: Chaos Walking.

Get ready for a bunch of sooty teenagers being horny again because the next big YA apocalypse series is set to hit in 2021. Made by Lionsgate, the studio behind The Hunger Games, Chaos Walking is based Based on the YA apocalyptic novel The Knife of Never Letting Go (and its two sequels, 'The Spoon Of Slipping Fingers' and 'The Shield of Telling His Wife He Loved Her At The Funeral') tells the story of a teenage boy growing up in a secluded society where there are no women, only lonely desperate men whose toxic thoughts are constantly being projected into his frail young mind. (It's kind of amazing we had to wait until 2021 for someone to make a movie about 4chan.)

And Lionsgate is pulling out all the stops. Chaos Walking will star Hollywood hottest young actors Tom Holland and Daisy Ridley and is directed by Palme d'Or nominated director Doug Liman of Edge of Tomorrow on a $100 million budget. A pretty big deal, clearly. And at this point, you're probably thinking: A genre blockbuster I've never heard of with a terrible title, an unfilmable plot, and way too much money -- what could go wrong?

Quite a lot, apparently. Chaos Walking was set to be released way back on March 1, 2019, but was pulled at the last moment because, according to the Wall Street Journal, the movie was deemed "unreleasable by executives who watched initial cuts." That's right, the movie studio that proudly put its name under the My Little Pony movie and thought they'd get rich off the seventeenth reboot of Robin Hood deemed Chaos Walking too embarrassing to release. Since then, Lionsgate has been pumping millions upon millions in reshoots to salvage this boondoggle -- even forcing Tom Holland to miss the premiere of Avengers: Endgame so he could stand in front of a green screen for a movie that's probably going to tank his career.

So far, this only spells the kind of moderate schadenfreude that comes from massive box office bombs like John Carter or The Lone Ranger. But here's the twist: what if Lionsgate is scared of releasing the movie because Chaos Walking is too amazing? Did we mention that this Young Adult blockbuster is co-written by none other than Charlie "If I had a middle name it'd be a meta-commentary on the middle trope" Kaufman of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind fame? Or that Doug Liman is famous for being kicked off blockbusters because he refuses to make the safe choices the studios want? Combine that with a truly weird dream-like plot that's ripe for some weird existential exploration, and this could just be the Being John Malkovich of YA blockbusters. So whatever the end result, 2021 will be the year we get to see either the worst best or best worst teen movie of all time.

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