The Horny Tortoise Who Saved His Species Is A Fraud

In the early 1970s, there were only around 15 Galapagos giant tortoises left in the world. Today, there are over 2,000. An extremely horny tortoise named Diego is being praised as being single-penisedly responsible for that population explosion. And now, finally, he gets to retire a hero of procreation after almost 45 years of banging his species back from the brink of extinction. But there's something wrong with the amount of attention Diego has received for his inspirational sexual feats.

Read a little beyond these celebratory headlines and you'll discover that, sexually speaking, Diego maybe the tortoise version of Genghis Khan (minus all the rampaging murder across Asia) but there was another male in his tortoise breeding program who fathered even more hatchlings than Diego but hasn't received even a fraction of the accolades. This tortoise is so disrespected that it doesn't even have a fun human name. News reports simply refer to him as "E5".

So, who is E5? He's the most prolific tortoise fucker in the world and the true savior of the giant Galapagos tortoise -- and it's not even close.

Diego was one of three male tortoises tasked with relaunching the tortoise population. Of them, Diego is responsible for about 40% of today's Galapagos tortoise numbers, having fathered anywhere between 350 to 800 tortoises. Sounds impressive, until you find out that E5 is solely responsible for the other 60%. The third tortoise was apparently either shooting blanks or an inshell.

Why has Diego been hailed as a hero with worldwide headlines calling him the sole savior of his species when he isn't even the most sexually productive of the bunch? A professor of environmental biology interviewed by the New York Times (in an article that disproportionately heaps praise on Diego) speculates that it's because Diego was "a big personality - quite aggressive, active and vocal in his mating habits and so I think he has gotten most of the attention" while he referred to E5 as a "more reserved, less charismatic male." Furthermore, apparently E5 did a lot of his sex at night while Diego was a bit of an exhibitionist who had sex during the day for all to see, the freak.

You have one showboating asshole tortoise whose pathetic dick can only father 40% of today's Galapagos tortoise population yet he gets all the fame. Meanwhile, the real hero, the humble E5, aka "Mr. 60%", is just a footnote in his less successful rival's rise to glory. It's a damn shame.

Luis can be found on Twitter and Facebook. Check out his regular contributions to Macaulay Culkin's BunnyEars.com and his "Meditation Minute" segments on the Bunny Ears podcast. And now you can listen to the first episode on Youtube!