Jeff Bezos Donated Some Pocket Change to Australia, Good Job

With an estimated net worth of $116 billion, Jeff Bezo is the richest man in the world -- maybe the entire freakin' galaxy. So when he announced yesterday that he was donating a whole, entire $690,000 to Australia, you can imagine the reaction he got: anger, with a tinge of bemusement, and a whole lotta math about the precise degree to which this was a cheapskate move.

Us, though? We're over it. This article was originally an extended discussion (read: angry diatribe) about Bezos and how he literally doesn't give a fuck about people, be they disaster victims or his own workers.

We were also going to talk about his long-time refusal to sign a pledge -- which is as meaningless a gesture as they come -- to give away half his fortune during his lifetime.

We were also going to talk about how his company paid $1.5 million to a political action group in Seattle, as part of a failed attempt at swinging a city council election in favor of several "pro-business" candidates.

We were also going to talk about how he's more than happy to fund his space shuttle start-up to the tune of $1 billion a year.

We were also going to talk about the not-billionaires including Chris Hemsworth, Bette Midler, Pink, and Metallica, who donated just as much as him to bushfire relief efforts -- and how while we already talked about the model who raised $700,000 selling her nudes, that figure is now closer to $1 million.

We were also going to talk about while he's more than happy to welch on his obligation to help put out the fires that everyone but deranged reality-denying conspiracy dipshits can see are caused by climate change, his company just threatened to fire a group of employees for speaking out about the company's lack of interest in following through on its environmental pledges.

But we aren't because we're just so tired. Jeff Bezos doesn't care what we plebes think, mainly because we aren't the clientele for his emergency get-out-of-apocalypse-free space shuttle program, and so we're going to do a little self-care and not dedicate an entire piece to his fuckery. (Uh, whoops.) All we ask is that come the primaries, you vote for the candidate most likely to hold Silicon Valley Dr. Manhattan (and his ilk) to account. Thank you, and good day.

Adam Wears is (allegedly) a comedy writer. Want to read other articles he's written for Cracked? Click here! Want to follow him on Twitter? Click here! Want to check out his website? Click here!