The Poster For Michael Bay's New Movie Is Pristine Stupidity

In our digital-mobile-internet-everywhere reality, the once-mighty movie poster has been relegated to a studio budget of $9 and a cracked copy of Photoshop. And the poster for 6 Underground, the new Michael Bay explosion flick starring Ryan Reynolds, is no different. It doesn't know whether A) it wants to be a Marvel/Star Wars-style floating head poster; or B) if it wants to be a single cohesive tableau, perhaps not from the movie itself, but a visual snapshot indicative of the film's overall action-packed brassiness.

But if it is an actual scene from the movie, it should smash all streaming records based solely on the promised madness of this single image. Let's riddle out the plot.

Based on the sight lines, all of the characters are concerned with an unseen threat in the upper right of the poster, whereas Ryan Reynolds' hero is much more concerned with the explosion to the left. The degree of worry about the rightward menace varies from mild concern, as seen on the face of the woman attempting to camouflage herself as the adjacent automobile...

To pondering the true nature of the threat, as expressed by the tuxedo woman who has clearly gotten lost in thought as she cops a squat.

Next to the tuxedo woman is a man squatting tactically in a tactical vest. He will be the first of the squad to die when the neon car driven by Dave Franco power slides everyone into a fine paste. We can therefore assume Michael Bay, cinematic master, is foreshadowing that the entire squad will be murdered after a betrayal by Dave Franco's character. We know for sure that Dave Franco is the true villain of the film because he seems solely concerned with the man parkouring over his vehicle. He is out for no one but himself.

Finally, I theorize that, since it has been given prominent poster presence in an inexplicably large-ass chunk of negative space, the helicopter is the eighth member of the squad of six. Perhaps it's a robot from Michael Bay's Transformers oeuvre, which might sound ridiculous, but would be the actual only logical thing happening here.

Luis can be found on Twitter and Facebook. Check out his regular contributions to Macaulay Culkin's BunnyEars.com. And listen for his "Meditation Minute" segments on the Bunny Ears podcast.

For more, check out The Director Of 'Parasite' Has Ended The Marvel Debate and Its Name Is 'Baby Yoda' Until Proven Otherwise.

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