What The Heck Does Nintendo's Mysterious Ring Actually Do?

Nintendo's best quality is not letting their status as a multi-billion-dollar international corporation stop them from being a safe haven for whimsical people who want to play with toys as the world burns. That's why every once in a while, they'll come out with a strange new thing that they tell us is for playing video games. We then look at each other with concern, as if to say, "Just don't tell Nintendo it's a mop, it'll break their sweet heart."

That's where we're at right now with Nintendo's newest peripheral, which is some kind of flexible ... ring ... thing? It's just been revealed, except for the part where they explained what it is and what it does. That information comes out September 13. Until then, all we can do is theorize how it's used, based on how the actors in the announcement video interact with it. After all, we never see footage of the games they're playing. Whatever advertising agency Nintendo uses always finds exceptional living rooms that are perfect for groups of three or more to scream at an unseen TV.

The actions that can be performed with The Mysterious Nintendo Ring fall into three categories:

1) Struggling to open a bag of chips.

2) Holding it above your head, allowing The Ring to feed off your humiliation.

3) Pretending the light plastic ring is heavy so it can feel strong and powerful.

We can surmise that it is some kind of fitness device. Who the workout is for (the gamer or The Mysterious Nintendo Ring) is still unclear. All we know for sure is that in the near future, someone will post on Reddit about how "This Nintendo Hoop That My Nana Squeezes Between Her Thighs Every Day Is The Only Thing Keeping Her Alive."

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