Twitter Creates The Hardest RPG Ever Made: Survive Beyonce

Interactive fiction is having a bit of a moment right now, from an homage to the classics in Stranger Things to the futuristic remote-controlled gloomfest that was Black Mirror's "Bandersnatch" special. But now, a humble fan has managed to concoct a contemporary reimagining of the form. Can you serve a 21st-century dragon, ruling mortals like they're pawns on a board? Can you survive the whims of this capricious creature of myth and win her favor?

Can you be Beyonce's assistant?

Over a long series of tweets, Twitter user and loyal Beyhive drone @CORNYASSBITCH created the first big Twitter Choose Your Own Adventure. You the player have to survive a single day as assistant to the goddess of spring, Beyonce Giselle Knowles-Carter. Each tweet thread starts with a request from Beyonce, asked curtly and without explanation, and players can choose from several replies to progress through the story. Make a bad choice, like playing the wrong song or letting Kanye West within a mile of Bey's location, and you'll be fired.

Amazingly, for a game that's all about getting to keep your minimum-wage job, Being Beyonce's Assistant For The Day plays and feels much like the classic fantasy RPG books -- and not just because you get called a "peasant," either. As in the classics, screwing up can have really hardcore consequences, like getting Beyonce to vomit all over her dress, knocking her out with paint fumes, and even getting her kidnapped by dark forces. Players' demises are entertainingly gruesome as well, with you getting pushed out of a moving car just for getting her hair wet. Not all endings are created equally, either, varying from the great (getting a raise) to fates worse than death (letting Bey get bangs).

Most importantly, like the really good old CYOAs, many wrong choices aren't obvious from the start, leading you down myriad rabbit holes of seemingly innocuous decisions before you find out that picking the wrong hotel eventually gets Beyonce killed in a horrible plane crash. (Don't worry, her glossy ghost rises to fire you). The platform, with its potential for branching threads, is uniquely suited for this kind of experience. company, and everyone else on Twitter, would have a much better time focusing on stuff like this instead of giving a platform to white supremacists.

For more weird tangents and his personal recipes for toilet wine, do follow Cedric on Twitter.

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