4 Bizarre Marvel Scenes You Definitely Won't See In The Movies
The MCU bubble has no plans on bursting anytime soon, which great news for nerds like us ... but also bad news for nerds like us, because we know that there are only so many movies and shows they can make before they've adapted all but Marvel Comics' absolute dumbest moments. For instance, there's the time Falcon was revealed to be a Manchurian Candidate/Pimp called "Snap Wilson." There are many, many more.
The Punisher Turns Black
Frank Castle, aka the Punisher, aka The Dude Who Uses Gun Oil For Jerk-off Lube, is what's known in comic book lingo as an "antihero", and in real-life lingo as a "psychotic murder." He fights a one-man war on crime using every weapon in his arsenal: guns, knifes, bombs, and even surgical blackface.
In the story arc "The Final Days," Punisher is sent to prison, where he's brutally attacked by a gang of inmates who bear a grudge against him for some reason. He manages to escape, only to then experience a whooping from free-range gang members. Sensing that he's only one ass-kicking away from people calling him "The Punished," Frank decides to ask a disgraced plastic surgeon to alter his appearance so that no one, least of all his enemies, could possibly recognize him.
Don't Miss
She does this by turning him "black" ...
She doesn't change his facial structure at all (gotta spring for the deluxe package for that). She just pumps him full of melanin, gives him a haircut, and sends him on his merry minstrel way.
Punisher hops in a car, but it's not long before he's pulled over by police on account of the superhuman level of painkillers in his system ... and also, well, you know. He gets the crap kicked out of him some more, and we're treated to a wildly uncomfortable and inappropriate visual reference to certain then-current events.
But don't worry! Luke Cage soon arrives to save him, in what we can assume was meant as an analogue to ... the cameraman who filmed the King beating?
Cage and Punisher (still keeping his real identity a secret) then spend several issues beating down criminals and philosophizing about the black experience. That is, until the blackstic surgery starts to wear off and Frank skips town to avoid getting his ass justifiably kicked by Cage.
Frank is soon captured by the bad guys who were chasing him -- bad guys who don't see color, it seems -- leaving Cage with no choice but to rescue him (again). The story then ends with the now-late-career-Michael-Jackson-toned Frank telling the Hero for Hire to go eff himself in regards to wanting payment for having to constantly bail his Dolezal ass out.
Related: 5 Characters You Had No Idea Were In The Marvel Universe
Daredevil Becomes His Own Twin Brother
At one point or another, every superhero has their secret identity found out, whether it's by their friends, their worst enemy, their creepy neighbor who likes watching people's bedrooms with binoculars. It's almost guaranteed that things will go back to normal eventually, but the fun comes from seeing how each hero solves the problem. Sometimes it's a memory wipe, sometimes it's going back in time, and sometimes it's ... dumber. A lot dumber.
In 1967, Matt Murdock was accidentally outed as the devil of Hell's Kitchen to his friends Foggy Nelson and Karen Page. Instead of, you know, pointing out his being blind as way of denial, he decides to go full soap opera and sling some BS about his super-double-secret identical twin brother actually being Daredevil.
Matt doesn't merely wind up inventing a brother, "Mike Murdock." He starts living an entire second life, complete with happenin' lingo and a fashion sense that we'll generously describe as "Incel Jimmy Olsen."
"Mike" does more than masquerade as Daredevil and fat-shame Foggy. He dates and almost marries Karen ...
... and winds up disguising himself as Thor, for reasons that the writers of that issue couldn't manage to explain without giving readers migraines.
Eventually, Matt gets tired of the charade and decides to let Mike "die" in view of everyone, then explaining the "reappearance" of Daredevil as Mike having chosen a successor to take up the mantle of the man without fear brains.
Dr. Doom Shit-Talks Dracula On The Moon
If there's an upside to the failure that was Fantastic Four -- sorry, Fant4stic -- it's that we'll be getting another reboot of the First Family of Marvel in a few years time. And if we hope and pray enough, it might wind up adapting the scene from "Vampire State" wherein Dr. Doom bitches out Dracula on the surface of the moon.
In this story, Dracula is planning to invade Great Britain, and he invites Doom to a meeting on the moon in order to tell him to stay out of his way, correctly figuring that he's already going to have enough trouble with the British trying to kill him (less for being a vampire and more for being from the EU).
As a way of defending himself from creatures of the night like Dracula, Doom's armor is imbued with pieces of the True Cross (a low-key confirmation that not only is Jesus real in the Marvel universe, but that you can also pick up pieces of his cross up from any good supervillain hardware store).
As a final appeal to bring Doom to his side, Dracula brings out the ultimate debate winner: straight up racism.
We don't know what's more bizarre: the fact that Dracula talks about Islam as if he's auditioning for a spot on Fox & Friends, or that Doom doesn't. It just seems that racism would be his bag, what with the whole "evil dictator" thing. Between this and openly weeping at 9/11, we're starting to think that we've misjudged him this whole time.
Thanos Gets His Own Helicopter
It's hard to want for anything when you have mastery over time, space, and reality. Food? Simply materialize it in front of you. Want to revisit the moment of your own conception? Weird ... but doable. Want to get across town? Easy, teleport there, or hell, rearrange reality so that "there" is where you are.
That is, unless you're Thanos. In that case, you materialize yourself the world's flimsiest helicopter, write your name on the tail, and fly across town talking trash at your enemies.
The Thanoscopter made its baffling second appearance (its first was in the drunken fever dream of the writer) in Spidey Super Stories #39, in which the Mad Titan tries and fails to steal the Cosmic Cube from a child.
After getting his lunch handed to him by, once again, a literal child, Thanos is taken away by two normal NYPD officers. The Thanoscopter was presumably taken by the kid and melted down into a trophy.
Adam Wears is on Twitter and Facebook, and has a newsletter dedicated to depressing history facts. It's not as heartbreakingly sad as it sounds, promise!
Support your favorite Cracked writers with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.
For more, check out Why The Marvel Universe Is Expanding Way Too Fast - Today's Topic:
The first-ever Cracked Podcast LIVE TOUR is coming to a city near (some of) you this spring! Tickets on sale now for Chicago IL (April 11th) and St. Paul MN (April 12th).
Follow us on Facebook. Excelsior!
