Driving On A Road Made Of Pizza: 6 Crazy Highway Spills
We've all been there: Stuck in traffic, running late, and hoping with all of your being that whoever crashed their vehicle up ahead is alive and well so that you can give them the stink eye. But sometimes the scene of an accident is so bizarre that you completely forget to be judgmental and simply gaze in slack-jawed disbelief at the epic clusterfuck before your eyes. Here are a few nobody-was-seriously-injured crashes that resulted in hilariously surreal messes.
Thousands Of Frozen Pizzas Got Smeared All Over The Interstate
In August 2017, drivers in Little Rock, Arkansas got an unscheduled pizza delivery right in the middle of their afternoon commute. It ... it wasn't as fun as it sounds. WARNING: Images of extreme pizza gore coming up.
A semi disemboweled itself on a highway overpass, ripping open its trailer and spilling an entire load of frozen pizzas all over the interstate. It turns out that spreading thousands of DiGiornos across hot asphalt creates a few hundred yards of pepperoni apocalypse that looks like a Pollock painted with entrails. And since the "cleaned up" version of the road still looks like the site of a chainsaw massacre, we can only imagine the horror of motorists driving through the area hours later, seeing the leftover smears of tomato sauce and toppings and wondering what sort of horrific mass murder scene they'd stumbled upon.
Nobody was hurt, but some people were "shaken up," and the pizza made a giant "slippery spot" that forced authorities to shut down that slice (heh) of the highway for several hours. In the heat of an August afternoon, all that concrete probably created something of a brick oven effect, if you catch our drift. Workers called in to clean up the mess weren't just picking up boxes, but also scooping up (and smelling) partially cooked and semi-melty road pizza. It was almost as bad as working at Papa John's.
Related: The 4 Most Baffling Driving Behaviors Everyone Encounters
Hundreds Of Miniature Bottles Of Fireball Started A Real Fire
In June 2018, an 18-wheeler carrying hundreds of mini-bottles of Fireball Whisky collided with another truck outside of Little Rock ... wait, seriously? The site of the Road Pizza Apocalypse? Anyway, the two tractor trailers had a get-together, leaving the road and highway median covered in bottles of the cinnamon-flavored liquor. But fate wanted to make this particular crash a little extra poetic, so in the process of crashing, one of the trucks suffered an actual fire. In other words, Fireball might not "taste like Heaven," but it really does "burn like Hell."
And if you're into licking asphalt and prefer beer over whiskey, don't get discouraged. In March 2018, a semi crash splattered some 60,000 pounds of Busch beer on a highway outside of Little Ro- sorry, force of habit. This was outside of Pensacola, Florida, where thousands of cans of beer met an untimely death in a roadside ditch. The driver suffered only minor injuries, so we can admit it would be hilarious if he crashed because he was drinking Fireball.
The company seems a little too cool about it. Busch did an inside job?
12 Tons Of Liquid Chocolate Spilled ... Then Started To Harden
We live in a diverse world full of widely differing opinions, agendas, and preferred flavors of LaCroix, but we can all agree on exactly one thing: Wasted chocolate is a damn tragedy. So it's with a heavy heart that we must report that in May of 2018, a tanker truck overturned in Poland and spilled some 12 tons of liquid milk chocolate all over the road, turning it into a more literal Hershey highway. While we can't confirm whether it was German chocolate, officials reported that it rapidly invaded lanes in both directions, so draw your own conclusions.
It's OK to cry. Let it all out.
If that wasn't bad enough, the chocolate started to cool and harden, which we are informed is "worse than snow" if you're trying to drive. Yes, Mario Kart has been lying to us all these years.
40,000 Pounds Of Chicken Feathers Got Dumped On A Washington Road
Mankind may never know for certain why the damn chicken crossed the road, but at least we now know why the chicken feathers did: because the truck driver fell asleep, hit a guard rail, and spread 40,000 pounds of them all over the highway, natch.
In May 2018 (the Little Rock of bizarre highway spillage months), a semi in Washington state was hauling a load of chicken feathers to Canada, where they're recycled and used in stuff like pet feed, soap, and poutine . No other vehicles were involved, and the driver wasn't seriously harmed, except in the wallet. While the crash itself might have happened pretty fast, the cleanup process did not, taking over nine hours and causing an 11-mile backup. Yeah, if you're planning to toss feathers all over a highway, prepare for a lot of downtime.
Why not just let the cars blowing past take care of the cleaning job, you might be wondering? Well, think about it. You're basically one strong gust of wind away from instant whiteout conditions on a major highway. And since no one had the presence of mind to tar the road before it was feathered, it became a massive, slippery feather chute that looked like the aftermath of the world's biggest pillow fight (minus any erotic undertones).
An Entire Trailer Of Yogurt Shut Down A Toronto Interstate
Folks heading into Toronto in the early morning hours of June 22, 2018 got an unexpected surprise to liven up their trip to work. A semi driver kindly delivered a yogurt breakfast right to their vehicles. In the middle of the highway. OK, so maybe it wasn't intentional.
The truck collided with a sign post shortly before 4 a.m., shearing off "nearly the entirety of the trailer on the passenger side" (the driver was OK). As a result, the entire truckload of yogurt was sent flying, creating delicious, nutritious chaos on the road. Officials were forced to close the highway for several hours while some incredibly unfortunate people attempted to clean up the, to quote one officer, "big slippery mess." We're pretty sure this is the exact plot of a Three Stooges episode.
We're on the fence about what's worse here, the cleanup or the aftermath. This is a dairy product, after all, and between the impact of the crash and cars driving through the mess, it left a great big pink skid mark that probably stank like rotten milk after a few hours. And what about those first few people who drove through it and then had to go on with their day, not realizing they had yogurt in the undercarriage until it developed a telltale funk? It seems that's one thing cars have in common with the human body: Too much yogurt tends to cause a stench in the tailpipe area.
Eight Million Dimes Spilled All Over A Nevada Highway
How much money would there have to be on the side of the road before you'd stop to pick it up? A thousand dollars? A hundred thousand? Eight hundred thousand? Before you answer, we should probably give you one important piece of information about this money you're picking up: It's all in dimes.
Motorists in Nevada were faced with that very question in (of course) May 2018, when a semi overturned and spilled its cargo of eight million dimes on the shoulder of a road. If you're not mathematically inclined, that's a shiny $800,000, and more than enough to buy you one hell of a time in Vegas. The truck hit a guardrail at about 3 a.m., which is apparently the witching hour if you're driving a tractor trailer.
It seems that not too many people felt free dimes were worth their trouble, but what if the money on the road was the kind that folds instead of jingles? What if, say, a Brinks truck dropped about $600,000 in $20 bills on an interstate in Indiana? Would you stop to pick that up? For quite a few people, including a school bus driver, the answer was "Yep." Four men in a pickup reportedly filled a whole bag and drove off. The party lasted until cops arrived to inform people that they were, you know, stealing. Meanwhile, one woman limited herself to recording some video:
That was probably really smart, since having your footage aired by every local news station in America is just about the only legal way to score some cash when money gets dumped on a road.
Support your favorite Cracked writers with a visit to our Contribution Page. Please and thank you.
For more, check out How To Drive Like An Asshole:
Follow us on Facebook. Because why not?
