5 Celebrity Jerk Moves So WTF, They'd Put Kanye To Shame
We all like making fun of famous people and their outlandish demands, as if, given the chance, you wouldn't ask for your dressing room to be equipped with endless fondues fountains and sexy, roller-blading mimes. But that sort of stuff is just the baseline weird for celebrities. Nope, meet those who are truly disconnected from reality -- their mania goes beyond wacky tour rider requests, and into uncharted areas of self-absorbed insanity. Like ...
Rihanna Rolled Joints On Her Bodyguard's Head
The life of a celebrity bodyguard can be pretty great or pretty miserable, depending on which body needs guarding. Still, no matter how well-behaved or reckless the employer may happen to be, it's in your advantage to always display a dignified, intimidating air, with a hint of restrained menace. Unfortunately, this can be a little tough to pull off when the person signing your paycheck is perched on your shoulders and using your head like a Colorado State dorm room desk to roll up a spliff.
When noted singer, songwriter, and weed enthusiast Rihanna showed up at the 2012 Coachella music festival, she was just one among the menagerie of wealthy and famous partiers in attendance. One factor helped her stand out from the crowd: her willingness to treat another human being like Willie Nelson treats a tour Winnebago fold-out ironing board. Or a countertop at Woody Harrelson's house. Or a table at Denny's. Any inanimate object with a flat surface, really.
When photos surfaced on Rihanna's Instagram feed, some initially thought it was cocaine that she had laid out on her bodyguard's head, as the glare from the lights made the substance look white. But no, it was weed, possibly left over from an earlier encounter with Snoop Dogg where she was photographed smoking a blunt the length of an adolescent raccoon. We can follow the tragic sequence of events from here via more evidence provided by social media:
Following the Snoop affair, she waded into a crowd to "flaunt her abs," after which she climbed aboard our unfortunate victim, tweeting out "Here's my party spot!!!"
Then, surveying the lay of the land, she took advantage of the obvious opportunity before her, as the noise of the crowd presumably drowned out the whimpering of her mount while the extreme bedazzling on her shorts ground into his flesh.
Maybe she thought he was an actual table, on account of that glaucoma she's self-treating?
All in all, it certainly appears that a great time was had by some. In response to critics who voiced their concerns about the seemliness of the above behavior, Rihanna shot back with: "I'm crazy, and I don't pretend to be anything else." This seems a reasonable defense, in retrospect. After all, you'd probably exhibit some erratic behavior too if you'd been forced to spend the last few weeks promoting your supporting role in Battleship.
Katy Perry Demanded a Bunch of Extra Tickets To Her Shows (So She Can Scalp Them)
Besides pop songs, Super Bowl performances, and marrying incoherently ranting, disheveled communists, Katy Perry is known for speaking out on many of the important issues of the day. From domestic violence to LGBTQ rights, she's frequently used her wealth and influence to stand up for the little guy (just so long as that little guy doesn't make eye contact). She even makes sure venues set aside a large number of tickets before concerts so unscrupulous people don't buy them all up, jack up the prices, and sell them at a profit.
At which point she takes said tickets, jacks up the prices, and sells them at a profit.
The common term for this activity is "scalping," but it's referred to in Ms. Perry's 45-page concert rider as the much less seedy-sounding "secondary markets." You have to plow through a lot of information involving the required provision of Laffy Taffy-colored egg chairs, "French ornate style" floor lamps, and "Perspex modern style" coffee tables to get there, but eventually you'll come to the part where her management team/army of Saul Goodmans spell it all out:
Basically, that's legal-speak for "give us a bunch of tickets so we can hawk them for a sack load of extra cash." And while she certainly has the right to do this sort of thing, it does tend to cheese people off. The mere accusation of it caused the band LCD Soundsystem to experience a ticket-shortage panic that The A.V. Club described as a "kerfuffle, brouhaha, hullabaloo" -- all of which sound like perfect names for upcoming Katy Perry albums, come to think of it.
Madonna Hates Air Conditioning, Keeps Her Audience Stewing During Summer Concerts
As Spock once said, "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few." But if the few is just Madonna, the many can go to hell. Or if not hell, at least someplace equally hot and miserable: her concerts.
You see, during Madonna's 2006 tour, several U.S. dates happened to be scheduled during the summer months, when going to a concert in an indoor arena can be a rather sweaty experience (due to weather and the preponderance of middle-aged men wearing torn mesh halter tops). Nonetheless, Madonna requested that the air conditioning be cut at several venues in order to "save her vocal cords." Or that was her explanation this time. Previously, she had confessed her irrational hatred for what most regular mortals see as a life-saving convenience:
Anyhow, concertgoers in Phoenix and LA weren't exactly jazzed about the sweltering conditions (just imagine what it must have been like for the onstage dancers wearing bondage gear). Even in more northern climes like Chicago and New York, conditions were such that some fans had to bring their own fans. Not that it mattered to her most diehard supporters, like the 64-year-old female fan who described the situation in Madison Square Garden thusly: "It's really, really bad. It's so hot, but it's worth it."
Admittedly, nobody forced anyone to attend these concerts, and informed Madonna fans should be prepared to deal with some douchebaggery. Her neighbors in the Upper East Side of Manhattan, on the other hand, had reason to be caught by surprise when she decided to become an unofficial member of the city's Department of Public Works and had her own no-parking signs installed in the vicinity of her driveway -- even embossing the concrete with her decree. What happened to just putting up lawn chairs and a stolen traffic cone?
Jack White Must Have His Exact Guacamole Recipe Waiting For Him At Venues, Bans Bananas From The Entire Building
If you ever wondered how Jack White of The White Stripes screams his songs with such passion, learning of his love of Mexican food might shed some light on that. In an admirable attempt to enter the pantheon of the entertainment world's most aggravatingly ridiculous concert riders, White included in his version a recipe for chunky guacamole. The dip had to be prepared beforehand, but not too beforehand, and be ready and waiting for him at destinations on his 2014-2015 tour. The recipe was impressively exacting, with stipulations such as "careful not to mush the avocados too much," and to squirt a precise amount of juice from exactly half of one lime on its carefully smoothed out surface to "keep it from browning prematurely." (It's gonna turn into something brown sooner or later, dude.)
In addition to that (and the $80,000 playing fee), White demanded post-show New York strip steaks and, um, a banana ban. No, that wasn't a typo. Apparently acting in accordance to some personal fatwa on dick-shaped fruit, he warned that he better not see them anywhere in the building. His instructions actually said "This is a NO BANANA TOUR." We have no idea if he has PTSD from a history of peel-slipping trauma or what.
Of course, knowing he's basically another rich dick sending dishes back to the kitchen doesn't do wonders for White's "alt-rock rebel hero" image -- so when Oklahoma State University's school newspaper leaked his rider to the general public, his booking agency reacted swiftly by vowing to never again perform at that venue. He then claimed the whole thing was a "joke" and that he "still loves Oklahoma," presumably immediately after he realized how many of his fans were staring at him like the kid in kindergarten who just shit himself.
Mariah Carey Made Sure Her Twins Were Born To The Sound Of An Audience Applauding Her
Mariah Carey is an old pro at perpetrating the sorts of antics that would cause even the trust-fundiest of pampered billionaire spawn to reflexively wince, like spending $200,000 private-jetting her dogs to a luxury resort. However, that was before she went through the miracle of childbirth, a humbling experience that taught her she was no longer the most important person in her li-
Just kidding, she still found a way to put herself on center stage.
The kid on the left was named after the design motif in the top floor of her apartment. Seriously.
Upon the occasion of the birth of her twins Moroccan and Monroe, Carey wanted to ensure that her progeny would be welcomed into the world with maximum fabulousness. So, she decided to accompany their delivery with the most beautiful music she could think of: her own music. Specifically, the song "Fantasy" from her fifth studio album, Daydream. To further ensure that the newborns wouldn't hog all the attention, she had the Reverend Al Sharpton brought in during the proceedings to renew the mother and father's wedding vows.
Whoever was in charge of hitting play on the presumably bedazzled CD player didn't fill the room with the bat-like squeaking on the album version, however -- she requested a live performance from an appearance at Madison Square Garden. The main benefit of this decision was that not only would her lucky neonates enjoy the sound of her warbling during their emergence, but also the cheering of the adoring crowd. A crowd cheering for ... Mariah. The only tragedy of the day was that, since the procedure was a C-section, the large number of drugs combined with the sound of infantile screaming likely ruined her enjoyment of the song.
E. Reid Ross is the author of Nature Is The Worst: 500 Reasons You'll Never Want To Go Outside Again, which is in stores now and available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble.
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