5 Accidental X-Rated Subliminal Messages That Are Everywhere
If you're anything like us, you can't help but see penises in everything: in clouds, in buildings, even in men's underwear. People can't seem to help but create phallic symbols, almost as if dicks secretly run the entire world. And dick imagery can pop up in the most awkward places. Pay enough attention to anything, no matter how mundane, and, as if by magic, a wang will appear out of the ether.
Here are some of those special miracles.
Halftime Shows Are Full Of Dicks
Halftime shows are as much an American sporting tradition as Gatorade or lasting brain damage, and apart from the occasional wardrobe malfunction, they're usually wholesome affairs -- pop stars lip-sync to their biggest hits, and cheerleaders twirl around while trying to ignore some of the drunkest pick-up lines ever shouted in a public place. But sometimes all the raging testosterone from the game bursts over to the halftime entertainment, resulting in secret dicks.
When Prince was asked to play the halftime slot of the 2007 Super Bowl, it remains unknown what kind of family fun the organizers expected from the human personification of sex froth. Viewers tuning in for a little taste of "Purple Rain" or "1999" were instead treated to a David Copperfield-esque magic silhouette curtain, specially lit to show the diminutive music legend jerking his guitar dick.
If only there had some way the NFL could have known Prince enjoyed sexual innuendo ...
That's the risk you take when hiring a man with more thrusting masculinity in his lithe elvish body than the whole defensive line. But a phallic faux pas can even happen with the nerdiest of all sporting entertainers: the marching band. To be sure, nothing is more erotic than a bunch of people dressed up like nutcrackers hammering out the Batman theme, but marching bands are generally tightly regimented paragons of discipline. Yet even they can break formation and fall face-first into a pile of accidental wangs. Like these rhythmic dweebs who wanted to celebrate their Kansas State team by recreating their beloved Jayhawk mascot next to the iconic Starship Enterprise ...
... but ended up forming a fiercely erect cock angling towards a bird's open beak:
Boldly going where no man should go.
Even highbrow institutions like Harvard can't control themselves. While battling it out with the University Of Pennsylvania, the marching band claimed they wanted to honor their opponent by forming "Penn '15." All they did, however, was highlight the inherent floppiness of a human font:
Still not the worst incident involving a penis at a Pennsylvania college.
Weather And Traffic Reporters Draw Peens All The Time
If there's one place that should be a respite for all the wang-typhoons swirling around in the world, it's the news. The journalists on TV bring us serious, often tragic stories, and do so with great composure, grace, and the highest degree of professionalism.
Except for the weather presenters, who occasionally just scrawl floppy dongs all over every available surface.
"As you can see this tornado has length and girth."
It's not their fault, really. It's their job to track the weather, and sometimes the weather can take some pretty turgid shapes. When that happens, a tornado report can take quickly turn into a dire message warning people of a far more terrifying event.
Similarly, a New Jersey website tried to warn residents of a potential flood risk by unleashing a massive unsheathed poonhammer on the entire Eastern seaboard:
That will certainly cause a flood in some regions.
And those worried about illegal immigration from neighboring Mexico have reason to be alarmed, as Zeus' massive dick and balls are in the process of breaching the southern border crossing:
"We've got a cold wind about to blow by it, hopefully shrinking the effects."
Apparently you can't even tune in for traffic updates without correspondents finger-tracing blocks-long hard-ons that will most definitely jam up your commute.
"It always gets a little hard to navigate this time of morning."
The moral of the story is: Don't give presenters interactive screens and expect them not to accidentally dip a giant boner in your kid's breakfast cereal.
Advertisers Deal Heavily In Accidental Dicks
There's a long history of people slipping subliminal sexual innuendos into commercials, hence the age-old mantra "sex sells." Unless, of course, the subliminal sexuality was totally accidental, in which case it does the exact opposite of sell.
With so many heavy hitters and specialty craft brewers in the beer industry, it can be awful hard to set yourself apart from the pack. One brewer in Costa Rica thought that having a giant grilled sausage plastered on a billboard on the side of the road would get people thinking about delicious barbecues featuring their refreshing beer:
Serious question: Why wasn't the beer the focal point for the beer ad?
Unless they were driving on the other side of the road, which makes it look like a giant cock is peering from behind the billboard like a Scooby-Doo detective.
Ruh roh.
Restaurant advertising is a phallic landmine as well. Ever noticed how a chef's hat kind of looks like an elongated bropedo? We didn't either, until the heroes behind this Virginia bistro's logo showed us the light:
Don't eat the baguettes.
Market Place swears it had no idea when it chose the logo, thinking it was just a mustachioed chef greeting customers from the window. Instead, customers can only see a winged dick dive-bombing the soup d'jour.
Meanwhile, a Brazilian university, meaning to unveil a logo consisting of an ornate tiered tower with a gorgeous red sun rising in the sky behind it to commemorate an Oriental Studies institute on their campus, wound up accidentally shoving those good intentions directly up its own ass:
For being the Oriental Studies Department, that's no way to treat the Japanese flag.
Obviously, because no institute of higher learning wants to be known for telling its Oriental Studies department to go boof itself, they quickly withdrew the logo. But the internet is forever.
Women's Hair Products Look Like Sex Toys
Hair is not generally considered to be an erogenous zone, which is why the Kama Sutra doesn't have an entry called the "Mounting Ponytail." Yet it seems that the maniacs who come up with hair styling tools have finally given up on finding new ways to design their feminine products without throwing a few dicks into the mix.
"Available in nude and nude."
"Hot Buns" is ostensibly a helpful hair styling tool for women, but it is so clearly a giant knobby dildo that not even its product demonstrators can deny it.
Leading to some memorable television.
Similarly, the Pearl Curling Wand looks like what old timey psychiatrists used to get rid of hysteria. Now, we understand that there's only one shape a curling iron can take -- that of a thick, powerful penis -- and we're even willing to forgive the many sexual images that a "pearl wand" conjures up. But if this thing didn't heat up to scorching temperatures, we don't think this would see much upstairs hair action. Hell, it's basically a multitool.
Plug it in if you're going out, or don't if you're staying in.
Buildings All Over The World Are Secretly Giant Dicks
Thanks to Google Earth, the world has gotten used to looking at their buildings from above, like a winged cartographer. Which is bad news for some architects and construction engineers, who thought the biggest threat to people finding out they've erected skyscrapers that look like skyscraping erections was Groupons for helicopter lessons.
It looks like a Star Trek porn parody logo.
That's London's soon-to-be largest apartment block: Spire London. From the bottom, it looks like a giant eyesore, but from the top, it looks like it'll actually poke your eye out. The Spire London promises to be the highest residential building in Western Europe, so Londoners can soon enjoy watching pilots desperately pulling up in order to avoid crashing into the tip.
The Supreme Court of India also suffers from an acute case of phallisitis. The court, with its bushy garden and squat features, perfectly captures the shriveled old dicks gathering in this building to uphold their archaic rules.
Or it's a monument to safe condom use.
Meanwhile, residents of an otherwise-lovely middle-class neighborhood in northern England have begun to fear for the value of their homes since it was revealed that their cul-de-sac is a bit heavy in the sac department:
No one wants to live in a tea-bagged house.
And while residents might be miffed that they're now living on the wrong side of Shaftesbury Lane, at least their town's entire tourism isn't based on the revelation that their little canal paradise kind of looks like an anatomically correct penis with a healthy urethra:
"I'm sorry to inform you that we found a malignant chain supermarket in your right testicle."
Yet it's quite easy to notice that a rectangle with a few round edges looks a bit like a penis. So how about a building complex that looks like a naked man squatting, ass agape, with a flaccid dick drooping pendulously down between his bulging red balls? A sprawling health center in Ontario, Canada offers just that:
Enter through our swollen balls and let us have a look at your swollen balls.
But sometimes, there's no need for human ineptitude; nature provides. For the low sum of $122,000, you can buy land on a 42-acre island near Fiji with some pretty stunning scenery ...
... which you can view from both the head and the scrote of this shy little nub of an island:
Just try not to purchase plots of land near the tip. We hear the swimming there is terrible.
Justin occasionally writes funny stuff that's not about dicks here. Tweet at him if you need a used Dodge Durango.
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