5 Mind-Meltingly Creepy Corners Of The Internet
Once upon a time, a person had to travel a great distance or pay a great deal of money to see, let's say, a woman having sex with a farm animal while dressed like Harley Quinn. Thanks to the miracle of the internet, you've probably seen that very thing as somebody's forum avatar within the last week. This means that every human is totally desensitized to weird shit by age eight or so. Yet if you wander around enough, the internet can still surprise you. Like when you randomly stumble across ...
An Obsessive YouTuber Records Their Neighbor ... More Than 7,000 Times
We'll save you several seconds of confusion by pointing out that the name of this channel, "Robhgein Yrgna," is "angry neighbor" spelled backwards. The channel belongs to a person who was apparently fed up with the noisy neighbors next door, so he or she decided to record them and post the audio clips online. Not all that crazy. Maybe they had trouble getting the authorities to act and needed evidence. Maybe they couldn't get the authorities to act at all, and found this to be a way to vent their frustration out into the void. But they didn't just record a few particularly noisy parties. Or, say, record them every day for a month to establish a pattern.
No -- to date, this YouTuber has captured over 7,400 clips of the supposed noisy neighbors. This, it appears, is someone's full-time job and around-the-clock obsession. You might be thinking, "Holy shit, how noisy are these bastards? Does this person live next to a ska band made up of howler monkeys?" Well, most every video is titled in a way that indicates that poor Robhgein has been living a sleepless, cacophonous hell ...
... but the audio on most of these clips is completely innocuous -- the sound of people calmly talking and/or laughing some distance away. Other clips are nothing but white noise, with maybe some faint conversation sounds.
Some sound like mere road noise.
This opens up the possibility that the uploader is recording voices only they can hear. Now, we're not here to mock or stigmatize the mentally ill. The whole reason this is creepy is precisely that we don't have any idea what's going on, and will probably never know. All we can do is try to glean hints.
So there's the one about "drums or construction," which does have some noise -- halfway through the video, there are two bangs that we suppose could come from a neighbor. However, the most prominent sound in the video are crickets, and the bangs are preceded by a much nearer crack that sounds an awful lot like someone sneaking around on someone else's premises and stepping on a twig.
Again, we don't know, and have no way of finding out. And while most of the videos are audio over a black screen, some look like this:
That video has plenty of audio -- the crickets, people, some cars passing by. However, the creepiest part happens around 3:28 in, when you can clearly hear children's feet running past the recorder.
Wait, what? How is this person even getting the audio? Are they spying on these kids? Have they set up secret recording equipment? Or are they crouched down behind some shrubs? Did we mention that their channel thumbnail is a collage of guns?
The YouTube Channel Obsessed With Female TV Cops Being Assaulted
YouTube channel Thefemcop2 has been posting since January 2011, dutifully gathering hundreds of clips from films and TV shows depicting female police officers under threat and/or getting killed (mostly the latter). That's all it is: short clips of women getting wounded or dying, one after another. We know what you're thinking: "Are people wanking to this?" The answer to that question is always, always yes. As to whether or not the uploader intended their channel for that use is anyone's guess, but let's be frank, "dead fictional cop fetish" is really the best-case scenario here.
Here's the first video the channel ever posted, a scene from T. J. Hooker in which Officer Stacy Sheridan gets shot.
In theory, none of the clips should be disturbing on their own -- they're often from bloodless prime-time TV shows, after all. But for some reason, they all become so much dirtier in this context, like the time you found a carrot in your brother's nightstand. Knowing that someone lovingly, diligently collected these over years makes it impossible to watch them and not imagine the dark fantasies at play. What does the owner of this channel feel when they watch this female deputy die in the Academy-Award-winning Hatchet 3?
Do we want to know? We can consult the YouTube comments (note: never, ever do this), but if you see the feedback on this clip of a female officer getting crushed by a car in the show Happy Valley ...
... the comments will only leave you even more confused:
Then here's this one, in which a guy bashes a female cop in the face (if you don't want to watch that, please enjoy this clip of horses dicking around with giant balls) ...
... which triggers comments like these:
"Do this in real life, please." Are they anti-cop? Anti-woman? A niche that lies in the Venn diagram overlap between the two? Here's a clip wherein two female cops are being fired at by an unknown source ...
... and in the comments, the word "beautiful" keeps coming up:
YouTube Is Full Of Creepy Superhero / Cars / Nursery Rhyme Mash-Ups
If you click around on YouTube long enough, you'll stumble across a weirdly specific genre of videos with absurdly high view counts. Like this one, which opens with a crudely rendered Spider-Man standing atop a building while a woman recites "Itsy-Bitsy Spider" over and over and over:
You'll note that the channel is called DisneyCARS, but clearly is not the work of Pixar. Keep watching the video, and you'll soon feel like you've fallen out of the world and right into some strange, Dadaist nightmare. Feast your eyes on Spider-Man seducing Lightning McQueen before taking him out for a spin around town:
It appears the video was made using a GTA IV mod, but the way all the pieces are put together is unnerving, to say the least. It's more than the fact that the walking animation they used for Spider-Man is clearly a female one, or the unblinking presence of the Lightning McQueen car, or that Spider-Man's main mission in the video is to go shit his tights in a Cluckin' Bell restaurant with that sing-song nursery rhyme playing the whole time.
It's all of those things together. It's what makes this video the last thing you see before you wake up and find yourself strutting rooftops in a pixelated Spider-Man suit, never again allowed to remember the life that once was yours.
But let's not stop there -- we've come so far. Here's the Hulk performing an exotic dance for Spider-Man, Batman, and Superman to the tune of "Do You Know The Muffin Man," before he realizes the madness of the situation and throws a couple of Cars characters off a roof, because why the shit not:
And there are so very many of these freaking things, each one an orgy of infantile earworms and copyright violations. Here's the gang, complete with Optimus Prime and Sonic, performing madness acrobatics to the tune of the alphabet song, "Yankee Doodle," and other kindergarten hits.
Perhaps the most glorious example of this eye-bursting batshittery is the ChildrenRhymes channel, which is home to the hour-long fuck-you-all "Spiderman Compilation Banana Car Epic Party" video. Go ahead, watch this whole thing and see if you don't feel your brain dripping out of your ears.
We're sorry. You're welcome.
The Site For People Who Wish To Turn Into Horses
Look, we get it. The human experience can be unbearable, and on occasion, we might all find ourselves fantasizing about taking on another form, be it a soaring eagle or an invincible superhero. Sometimes you just want to be a horse and graze in peace. They can walk and poop at the same time!
However, there's a thin but important distinction between "wanting to be something else" and "carefully planning experimental surgery to become a different species, Tusk-style," and If WisheRs Were Horses joyfully shits all over said line. (Without breaking stride!) According to the creator of site, many people have an aching wish to abandon their hands for hooves, stemming from a need to escape the complex lives we lead as humans.
Here's an excerpt from the site, making sure from the get-go that although this can totally be a sex thing, there's something way deeper and stranger going on beneath the surface:
The horse's sexual appeal should be mentioned too -- not for nothing do we flatter or tease each other with terms like stud, stallion, or filly. Many find the notion of becoming a horse quite erotic. But for most, the notion of transforming into a horse (or any other animal) is a plea for escape from our increasingly hectic and complex lives.
Which kind of makes sense, until you realize how carefully they're planning life after their human-to-horse transition. Here's an excerpt taken from "After the transformation":
Feet, tail, and ears especially can cause confusing sensations: all will be emitting different signals to those received as a human. 'Phantom finger syndrome' is common but quickly fades as the mind acclimatises.
Say whatever you want about their intentions, but these people are forward-thinkers. And sure, they include things like DIY hoof-making tutorials ...
... but that's garden-variety furry stuff -- some of you reading this are wearing hoofs right now. No, what sets these guys apart is when they start suggesting actual scientific ways in which you can go about your transformation:
Science, here and now, could turn you into a horse! I mean that: skeletons can be altered; skin and hair can be grafted; prosthetics can be designed; genetic mapping is only just beginning to illuminate super-healing properties latent within our bodies. You might only be able to become a cosmetic copy and you might have to put up with being a very small horse, but it is possible.
Please note that we're fairly certain it is not in fact possible, and if you meet a back-alley surgeon promising such a procedure for a price, we're thinking you're going to wake up in a bathtub missing a kidney.
Murderbilia
Everyone should have a hobby; it's what keeps us off the streets. And who cares if instead of collecting something boring, like postage stamps or rare coins, you collect the shredded, bloody clothing of famous murder victims?
Ah, now that we say it out loud, it does kind of seem like somebody should care. Welcome to the world of "murderbilia." On sites like murderauction.com (which uses Ed Gein's "Every man should have a hobby" as a slogan) and serialkillersink.net, you can purchase items ranging from a Led Zeppelin cassette originally owned by Richard Ramirez to a bag of dirt taken from the gravesite of Ed Gein to Charles Manson's unfinished prison burrito. In no way was that last one a joke, by the way:
Yes, every last artifact of these famous atrocities have been scraped together for sale to the ravenous collectors looking for items to place over their mantels. What better conversation starter than this 18th-century human skull riddled with bullet fragments? Look, honey, this guy got shot right in the fucking face!
Hey, you could even frame the missing poster of Grace Budd, one of Albert Fish's victims, and display it in your den!
If you're more into fashion, you can always get the Caylee Anthony Have You Seen Me T-Shirt, because nothing is more stylish than wearing the face of a dead child.
Perhaps the most depressing thing about these sites is that it's not always a bunch of maniacs selling maniac knickknacks to other maniacs. For instance, there's a bloodsoaked jacket from a surviving victim of the Aurora movie theater massacre in 2012 ... which the victim is selling herself to cover medical costs. So we guess it's good to know that's an option if we're ever the victim of a famous crime in the future?
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For more really disturbing shit the internet has spewed forth, check out 9 Disney Fan Drawings That Will Murder Your Childhood Joy and The 5 Most Horrific Sex Scenes In Fan Fiction History.
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