6 Insane Ways People Made Money Off Famous Crimes
People react in different ways when caught on the wrong side of the law. Some proclaim their innocence to their dying breath, some do their time and try their best to move on, and some think, "Wow, what a fantastic money-making opportunity!" The following people tried everything in their power to monetize the hell out of their famous legal problems. And sadly, a lot of it worked. It's hard to tell kids that "Crime doesn't pay" when the world's worst celebrities are pulling stunts like ...
O.J. Simpson's "How I Killed My Wife" Book Was A Total Ripoff
After being acquitted of the murder of his ex-wife and her friend, O.J. Simpson reevaluated his life and spent the rest of his days nurturing his motherless children and traveling the world solving mysteries. Kidding. He spent a decade fucking around before going to jail for other crimes. Oh, and he wrote a book bragging about how he totally got away with murder. In theory.
We've touched on O.J.'s If I Did It before, but we haven't mentioned exactly how much of a scam it was, even for the five or so Juice fans still left in the world. The book contained long passages outlining how Nicole Brown's wild single lady behavior would one day "be the death" of O.J., attempting to set up the heinous murders as some kind of justified self-defense. When it comes time to hold good to the book's title, though, O.J. shows up at Nicole's house and ... conveniently blacks out, only to wake up standing next to her dead body, covered in blood.
And presumably with an Urkel-esque "Did I do that?" look on his face.
As tactlessly garish as the premise was, the book didn't even attempt to deliver on its promise. No one could possibly get a single iota of enjoyment out of this shameless cash grab ... except for the family of the other victim, Ron Goldman. They went to court and got 90 percent of the profits of the book. They also added their own commentary and redesigned the cover:
Now we want a book about how he also murdered the Naked Gun franchise.
This wasn't the last time Simpson tried to profit from his "fame," though. His old pal Donald Trump has admitted that he tried to get Simpson on Celebrity Apprentice, despite being confident that he was guilty, and he said he believed that O.J. "would have done it." However, NBC immediately vetoed the hell out of the idea, so here's hoping that O.J. at least lands a spot on his friend's cabinet as consolation prize.
George Zimmerman Keeps Charging $100,000 For Everything He Craps Out
George Zimmerman is a dick. There, someone finally said it. You probably know about his gross sale of the gun he used to kill a teenage boy, but that's just one item on a long list of disgusting attempts to get rich quick on the grave of a child. What's worse is that they worked.
Again, we're talking about a man who is famous solely for shooting a black kid to death, so of course this anal prolapse masquerading as a human being set up an autograph booth at a gun show. To be fair, it's not clear whether Zimmerman was given money for his appearance or if they paid him in the attention his body needs as sustenance.
And a lifetime supply of Polar Pop (pictured here).
At one point, he attempted to sign up for a celebrity boxing match against DMX, which unfortunately fell through. So far, it sounds like Zimmerman's money-grabbing attempts have been a failure, but that's not the whole story. In 2015, he sold a painting "in honor" of a gun store owner who was facing backlash over having banned Muslims from his gun range. Zimmerman vowed to donate a portion of the $100,000 sale to the store for legal fees -- you know, in the name of American values and freedom. As the cherry on this class act sundae, the painting bore a Confederate flag, because of course it did.
It's possible he tried to paint a regular U.S. flag and it came out horribly disfigured.
This wasn't Zimmerman's first paint-splattered rodeo. He had previously sold another flag painting for $100,099 on eBay, and he'd tried to sell an unflattering painting of Special Prosecutor Angela Corey that was ripped directly from a press conference photo, putting Zimmerman in the same category as notorious art thieves like Andy Warhol and Roy Lichtenstein. His price tag for it? Exactly $100,000.
He got a D from his arts and crafts teacher, though.
And lest you forget, there was that gun. Once again, the gun sold for a little over $100,000. We're not sure which possibility is more terrifying -- that there are multiple people out there shelling out thousands of dollars a pop for teenage murder memorabilia, or that one person is obsessively paying the exact same amount for said souvenirs over and over again.
John Wayne Bobbitt, Famous For Getting His Penis Cut Off, Did Porn
John Wayne Bobbitt is the only man in history who has gotten his penis cut off by his wife while he slept, gone to trial, and came off looking like the jerk. The defense of his knife-wielding wife Lorena successfully argued that years of mental and physical abuse (for which he later apologized) led her to snap and ... well, "snap."
So what do you do after you achieve international fame for losing your dick and getting it reattached? What can you do? A lot more than you might think, apparently. A lot more.
No. Stop it. Do not Google this. Do not- for fuck's sake, people.
You see, after waking up to find his little soldier had gone AWOL, Bobbitt was awarded the Purple-Veined Heart and informed by doctors that his reattached Admiral would never again stand at attention. Except it did. Repeatedly. According to the man himself, after healing from the traumatic assault, he was swimming in babes. Bobbitt claimed he had slept with 70 women since "the incident," and at one point had a porn star claiming to be his baby mama. Things were looking up.
To prove it, Bobbitt starred in a pornographic documentary of the time he woke up in a hospital after first getting de-donged. In the opening scenes of John Wayne Bobbitt Uncut (directed by Ron Jeremy), our protagonist is given the bad news by a pair of sexy nurses, and then immediately proceeds to prove them wrong by ... well, it's a porno. We're sure you can piece together how the rest of that went. The cinematic masterpiece moved enough copies to warrant an even less subtly titled sequel, Frankenpenis.
Presumably, they thought of the name and went "Goddammit, now we have to do this."
On top of that, Bobbitt supplemented his income by going on a "Severed Parts" tour, offering T-shirts, photos, and reportedly performances by his band of the same name. At this point, we're pretty sure that if the stitches opened and his dick fell off again, he'd sell it on eBay.
Mary Kay Letourneau And Her Lover/Student Hosted A "Hot For Teacher" Night In A Club
If any of you need a refresher course, Mary Kay Letourneau was imprisoned for 89 months after becoming pregnant by one of her students, Vili Fualaau. Twice. When he was as young as 12.
For most people, the story ended there. Unfortunately, it didn't. As soon as she got out of the slammer, Letourneau and Fualaau married, and they have been together for over a decade. If that sounds sweet enough to almost make you want to forgive Mary Kay for her transgressions, you might want to reconsider. Usually, people who are sorry for their crimes don't end up producing posters like this:
Ew. MySpace? Really?
Yep, Falaau became a DJ and was offered the opportunity to host a theme night at a bar -- provided he brought his now-50-something wife to play off sexual assault like it's some kind of cutesy Halloween costume. The theme didn't end there. Letourneau was decked in a sexy black dress and signed T-shirts depicting the star-crossed couple while her husband/victim spun his wicked tunes.
We're guessing they played a lot of Gary Glitter remixes.
When the owner of the bar was confronted with a chorus of "Dude, what the hell?" responses, he explained that the couple had paid their dues and it was all in good fun. He added: "It wouldn't be funny if it was a situation that was happening right now." Oh, never mind, then.
Rod Blagojevich Goes To Wizard World (Before Jail)
When Barack Obama was promoted from lowly senator to leader of the goddamn free world, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich decided to raffle the vacant Senate seat off to the highest bidder. But this incident wasn't Blagojevich's only foray into unapologetic corruption, seeing as how one of his blackmail victims was a fucking children's hospital. So yeah, bad dude. The governor had a few charges dropped, but was ultimately sentenced to 12 years in prison and two on probation in 2011. Oh yeah, and he was impeached.
And they kicked him out of the Monkees.
You might recognize the date of Blagojevich's sentencing as being a full three years after the swearing in of Ol' President Barry. So what did Blagojevich do while he was waiting for news of his fate? Every conceivable thing a desperate reality TV star clinging to fame with raw white knuckles would do. For starters, he tried real hard to get on I'm A Celebrity ... Get Me Out Of Here! He needed to obtain permission from the judge presiding over his trial first, which was staunchly denied. In Rod's stead, his wife took his spot and endured the humility of a tarantula dinner in an attempt to make up for the money her husband's political misadventures had cost the family.
At least we know someone in the family wasn't starving.
Despite his initial failed attempt at reality television, Blagojevich did make it onto Celebrity Apprentice -- except that somehow went even worse for him. After he utterly butchered the heck out of the names of the Hogwarts houses (thus confirming his complete lack of a soul), host Donald Trump booted him from the competition, citing half-assed research as his reason for axing the disgraced politician. Undeterred, Blagojevich participated in a Second City sketch mocking himself, and he signed autographs at Wizard World Chicago for ... some reason.
Even though there is literally zero chance an impeached governor has any kind of demographic at a comic convention, the crazy bastards even let him ride in the Batmobile. There truly is no justice in this world, is there?
The only way this guy should ride this vehicle is knocked out and in the trunk.
After being confined to his cell, Blagojevich refused to give up his baller lifestyle, and started an Elvis-inspired rock band for which he sang vocals. Be careful, Rod. If you keep going on awful TV shows and pulling shameless stunts when you're out, you might end up becoming president.
Bill Cosby Made A Career Out Of Sexual Assault Jokes
It's rare for a TV series to change genre years after it went off the air, but believe it or not, there was a time when The Cosby Show was a beloved comedy. Which is weird, because now it's a devastatingly creepy psychological horror drama.
The above compilation doesn't even include that one episode wherein Dr. Huxtable, played by (58 times and counting) accused sexual-harasser-and-date-rapist Bill Cosby, brags about giving roofies to his wife using his "Special Barbecue Sauce." Kind of hard to believe nobody ever noticed the insane subtext in this one:
Yes, we all adopted Cosby as our surrogate dad/grandpa for a while there, but if you paid real close attention to the Pudding King's comedy, you might have picked up on some utterly disturbing clues. For example, the time he wrote a book for college graduates and included a chapter that railed against sexual consent. But, you know, in a funny way. Even back in the '60s, when the first alleged incidents happened, he did an entire routine about wishing he could drug girls' drinks at a party:
So when Cosby flippantly warned a woman in the audience of one of his routines that she might want to watch his drink around him, really, nobody should have batted an eye. This was Cosby's M.O. from the very beginning. Even his adorable interactions with a bunch of innocent rugrats are now suspect. The pudding pops, the darnedest things they would say on occasion -- all of it was another excuse for the Cos to spread his ominous message: "Be careful, kids. Don't do drugs ... around me."
Carolyn's tweets are an affront to man and God.
Also check out The 6 Most Clueless Assholes To Ever Exploit Tragedies and The 8 Most Shameless Attempts To Cash In On 9/11.
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