The Anne Frank Sex Doll And 5 Other Wisely-Cut Sex Scenes
Between all the actors' nudity clauses, concerns about the movie's rating, and how they can be hellishly awkward to shoot, sex scenes get cut out of Hollywood movies every day. Most of the time, that only means we're missing out on a two-minute heavy panting sequence that wouldn't have affected the plot in any way. But sometimes, the stuff the screenwriters came up with was so gloriously insane that it almost would have resulted in a different movie. A somewhat sexier, slightly longer, much wronger one.
Iron Man 3 -- The Aborted Sex Tape Plot
The bad guy in Iron Man 3, in case you've only seen the movie's somewhat misleading trailers, is rich asshole Aldrich Killian, played by Guy Pearce. Killian blows up Tony Stark's house, destroys a bunch of his robot armor, and beats the crap out of him, all thanks to superpowers granted by an incredibly powerful plot device: Extremis.
But that's all standard supervillain stuff. In the original script, Killian was supposed to take his vendetta to a whole other level, crossing a line not even Lex Luthor has: sleeping with the hero's girlfriend (in this case, Gwyneth Paltrow's Pepper Potts).
We're gonna go ahead and assume the soundtrack would have been Coldplay.
In the first draft of the script, Extremis was also supposed to give Killian super-pheromones (seriously), making him as sexually irresistible as, well, Robert Downey Jr. in real life. This, coupled with Pepper's permanent "mad at Tony for the latest bullshit that he pulled" state, led her to have sex with Killian -- all of which was secretly recorded by the sleazebag. And then, as if doing the walk of shame outside a supervillain's home wasn't bad enough, Killian was going to broadcast their sex tape in a Home Depot, just to mess with Tony (and everyone who wanted to shop for tools without seeing the "tool" of some douche with dragoon tattoos).
Say what you will about Tony, but at least he keeps his sex tapes between himself and Jarvis.
So yeah, this Disney-owned movie almost had a subplot about Iron Man's girlfriend being secretly recorded doin' it with one of his baddies (the sequence was cut in a subsequent draft). This is slightly less surprising when you consider that Iron Man 3 was co-written and directed by Shane Black, the guy who once made a wolfman's balls a plot point in a kids' movie.
If, like most people in the world, you saw James Cameron's Avatar when it came out and then never thought about it again, you probably remember the movie's "sex scene" as a tame affair. We see our blue CGI protagonists making out for a few seconds, and then it cuts away to whatever the rest of the movie was about. Something about Hank Azaria trying to turn them into gold?
The fact that we're not sure if this is a screenshot or a DeviantArt recreation says something about how this movie has aged.
Evidently, this left many fans dissatisfied -- they needed to know more about the specifics of alien cat people sex, dammit. Luckily for them, the movie's special edition DVD added a small but crucial shot which reveals exactly how the Na'vi species does it. And it looks a lot like some anime movies our buddy in college made us watch.
He's in jail now.
Yes, those freaky tendrils the Na'vi have in their hair also double as sex organs. The script goes into more detail, describing how the tendrils "intertwine with gentle undulations," leading to "the ultimate intimacy." We also find out that light was supposed to "ripple" around the lovers as they laid down on a bed of moss (that sounds kind of unsanitary). The willows, too, would sway rhythmically to their lovemaking -- it seems even the planet Pandora likes to watch some Blue Man Group porn.
But wait, isn't there another scene in which the protagonist slips his tendrils inside someone else? We're trying to remember who it wa-- OH, FUCK! GODDAMMIT, CAMERON!
Who Framed Roger Rabbit is no longer the most successful movie about bestiality in history.
Gene Roddenberry was the visionary creator of Star Trek, and also, as we've covered before, a major perv. Perhaps this shouldn't be so surprising, considering this was the guy who decided Captain Kirk should bang everything that moves, and who gave viewers of Star Trek: The Next Generation only one episode to get used to the characters before they all got drunk on a space virus and had sex with each other. (Androids included!)
And yet The Next Generation could have been even more erotic if everything had gone according to Roddenberry's plan. While the show was in development, he sent out a memo detailing the Ferengi, those giant-eared aliens whose defining characteristic is being as greedy as they are ugly. Roddenberry had another noteworthy feature in mind for them, though: enormous dongs.
"Ladies."
In the memo, Roddenberry talks about the great size and shape of Ferengi genitals, which are loved by "Earth women." The only thing that rivals their penis size, this titan of science fiction writes, is the awesome scope of their sexual technique. The next sentence then says that we won't see any Ferengi women in the series because the men are all sexist. Which raises a question: How are Ferengi men so good at sex if they don't care about the opinions of women? Shouldn't they be expert masturbators, in that case?
"Their main occupation is leaving comments on articles about the Ghostbusters remake."
Roddenberry's love of the Ferengi phallus managed to get off the writing desk and into official artwork, as one of the original concept designs for the Ferengi included a massive codpiece on the costume that takes up about a third of their clothing:
Which, of course, implies to humans that their huge dicks are anything but.
For some reason, this element of Ferengi culture was never featured in the show. Though now you have a way to quickly determine if the writer of that Star Trek fan fiction you're reading did their research.
24 -- Jack Bauer's Dad Liked To Keep It In The Family
After having counterterrorism agent Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland) fight spies, warlords, and corrupt politicians, the sixth season of 24 focused on something even seedier: Jack's family. The show introduced his nephew Josh, whose casting call was clearly "teenage actor who sorta looks like Kiefer Sutherland," and hinted that Jack may have had an affair with his brother's wife, Marilyn. At the end of the season, the resolution to this plotline was ... nothing, because this show was completely made up on the fly.
However, the writers did have a solution in mind for the "Who is Josh's dad?" mystery, and it turns out Jack wasn't the father. Jack's father was the father.
No, not you.
On the 24 season six DVD extras, the writers claim that the baby daddy was always supposed to be Phillip Bauer, played by James Cromwell (aka Hollywood's ultimate "that guy"). According to the writers, they planned to reveal that Phillip had raped his son's wife at some point in the past, leading to the birth of Josh. Meaning that the men whom Josh thinks are his dad and his uncle are in fact his half-brothers. Yes, the lovable old farmer from Babe was going to go all Game Of Thrones on his family.
"That'll do. Ooooooooh yeah, that'll do ..."
The writers ended up cutting the revelation because it was "too twisted," and also because they didn't have time for it, what with all the other plot twists and betrayals going around (see: "made up on the fly" above). We're thinking this might have contributed to Cromwell's impression that the show was crap.
The Truman Show -- Truman Hires A Prostitute To Dress Up As His Childhood Crush
The Truman Show was a '90s Jim Carrey documentary about '00s television. The movie subtly brings up the notion of prostitution in its narrative through the character of Truman's wife. If she's a paid actress who has sex with Truman, a man who doesn't know he's the star of a reality show, does that make her a prostitute? If there was a writers' strike, would she stop putting out for her "husband"?
The original script, however, dealt with prostitutes in a slightly more straightforward way: by having Truman go out and hire one. Repeatedly.
Please read all the descriptions and lines in Jim Carrey's wackiest voice, as intended.
Truman still holds a torch for his high school sweetheart, who was kicked off the show because she almost told him there was a show. Well, in the much darker original script, Truman was far more obsessed with her -- to the point where he had a recurring arrangement with a prostitute, whom he'd have dress up like his old flame. They would then act out the romantic scenes that Truman wished he'd shared with the girl he lost. That is, the teenage girl.
Also, is she an actress playing a prostitute playing a teenager, or a prostitute
playing an actress playing a prostitute playing a teenager?
And unlike the movie, where it's noted that the cameras always leave out Truman's sex life, in this version, all of this would be broadcast to his devoted viewership. Apparently, The Truman Show was supposed to air on Cinemax.
EuroTrip -- The "Sex With Anne Frank" Scene
EuroTrip was one of the roughly 5,000 gross-out movies that came out after American Pie did 20 times its budget at the box office. And speaking of humanity's lowest moments: This movie almost used a Holocaust victim as the punchline for a sex joke.
Classic!
The film follows a group of teenagers as they go around Europe, stumbling dick-first into various comical situations. It was pretty much Road Trip (another American Pie ripoff), but with more accents and less Tom Green. During a trip to Amsterdam, the character Cooper was supposed to find a flyer for a brothel called "The Secret House." Whilst looking for it, he stumbles upon the Anne Frank Museum. As in, the real-life house where the Jewish girl of that name hid from the Nazis before her capture and later death in a concentration camp. Naturally, he mistakes that place of solemn reflection for the brothel.
To be fair, this could mean anything.
When Cooper sees there's a line to get in, he sneaks in through a back door and ends up in a dark room, where he decides to take his clothes off and get into bed (because that's how brothels work, duh). At this point, a tour group comes into the room, and Cooper attempts to cover his nudity with the closest thing at hand -- an Anne Frank mannequin. This gives the impression that he was "caught fucking the mannequin," as the thespian playing Cooper eloquently put it in an interview.
On top of that, the tour group was supposed to include Frank's only living relative. No word on whether said relative was approached to play himself. Turns out he was in George Clooney's The Monuments Men, so it's not like he was choosy about his roles.
This might have actually helped his career.
The scene never made it out of the screenplay, but the filmmakers were proud enough of their work to include the relevant script snippets on the EuroTrip DVD now populating bargain bins across America.
Scott Elizabeth Baird can be found on Twitter.
For more awful movies we almost ended up with, check out Super Dark Deleted Scenes You Won't Believe Existed At All and Scenes (You Won't Believe Had To Be) Cut From Great Films.
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