5 Hilariously Specific X-Rated Movie Plots You Never Noticed
Have you ever noticed how different today's porn is? Gone are the days of bored housewives seducing handsome pizza delivery boys, of sexy librarians finding inventive ways for bizarrely muscular bookworms to pay off overdue return fees, and of people boning in a hot tub because ... they're in a hot tub, that's what it's there for. Old, faithful cliches have been overtaken by internet-age updates, which goes a long way toward explaining the appearance of some pretty strange new niches.
You clicked on a link with "porn" in the title, so if your company logs URLs, you might as well keep reading this NSFW content until security arrives.
In Gamer Porn, Porn Stars Have Sex With Completely Disinterested Gamers
Imagine yourself sitting comfortably in your ergonomic Swedish computer chair, playing your favorite video game. You're a gaming god among (predominantly) men, effortlessly beating wholesale ass with your level-70 cyber barbarian. And right when some epic loot drops, your hot, naked girlfriend blocks the screen, demanding sex. Cool fantasy, right? Well, good news: Porn has decided to let gamers into the smut pantheon, joining other niche fetish characters like cheerleaders, librarians, and middle-aged secretaries. Today, there are countless videos of gorgeous men and women throwing themselves at gamers, begging them to set aside their controllers and transfer that same gentle but confident touch to their bodies. But there's a weird flourish to this gamer fantasy: The gamers aren't into it at all.
She eventually starts grinding out the Konami code.
The stereotype holds that being around or inside attractive people is a rare thing for a gamer -- like eating non-microwaved food or getting a tan. A healthy interest in pornography has always been a badly kept secret in this culture, and it was only a matter of time before porn decided to aggressively cater to one of their core demographics. Part of the pleasure in watching these people-on-gamer videos seems to be to hear and recognize your favorite games over the actual sex, in a perfect combo to whip the cream out of you. It's as if the industry knows that sex will get the engines running, but the sound of a perfectly executed Hadouken will take you all the way.
Of all the games he could have semi-ignored his aroused girlfriend for, he chose Destiny?
Yet in these videos, you will often watch these nerdy men and women getting it on begrudgingly. They all have gorgeous partners determined to sex them up in any which way they can bend, but they're so deeply immersed in the game world that they don't care. There's a weird sort of "Let's get this over with" reaction to sex usually reserved for Victorian housewives. It almost feels like a parody, a sly wink to all the dads and moms and spouses watching this porn and commiserating about how hard it is to pry gamers away from their passion.
Although "This reminds me of my daughter" is probably not the vibe they were going for.
Hoverboard And Vape Porn Are Both Things
In the beginning, porn used to be as easy as "Do you like butts? Here are some butts." But back then, there were a finite number of butts customers had access to. Now, an endless supply of erotic content is available every second of every day, and pornographers need an edge. This sometimes leads to them becoming pioneers of entertainment technology, being the first to embrace VHS or 3D. Other times, they appeal to the internet's love of weird bullshit trends. You know, things like hoverboards.
"You clearly misunderstood the 'spinner' casting announcement."
Proving that the only thing that's hotter than hoverboarding is hoverboarding with an STI, Brazzers (the most famous company everyone pretends to have never heard of) released The Future Of Fucking. However, instead of a highbrow discussion on how romance, love, and sex intersect with modern technology, it's two people giving each other the future-business whilst gliding around a room cleared of any breakable furniture.
All fun and games 'til someone puts an eye out.
Not to be outdone, there's also a raft of videos showing people erotically vaping -- which is basically normal vaping, only with fog-blanketed tits. Contrary to most niches, this vaping porn actually has quite an empowering, feminist feel to it. At least they can finally showcase their oral skills in a new and creative way: by blowing some impressive smoke rings.
And finally, because it wouldn't be internet fads without them, here's some meme porn:
One day, PornHub will find the right amount of money to get David Hasselhoff to do a sex tape with a cheeseburger, and there will be no more worlds left to conquer.
Real Estate Agents Are The New Pizza Delivery Guys
While his career lasted much longer than the 30 minutes or less initially promised, the sexy pizza delivery guy -- that cultural icon who unexpectedly walked into several orgies in your father's secret video collection -- has gone to the big pizza parlor in the sky. Now there's a new profession dominating the fantasy of stumbling into casual sexual encounters while innocently trying to do your job: the real estate agent. No, seriously.
As with Uber Pool replacing the Bang Bus, we have only ourselves to blame.
Seemingly out of the blue, there now exists a booming market for real-estate-themed porn wherein renters and buyers shack up with landlords and agents whilst discussing whether there are any exposed pipes in the property (and if they'd like some). In less than a year, PropertySex.com, the leading housing market porn site, has amassed over 300 million views and a legion of fans.
As for the plotlines of the videos, whatever home-owning nightmare you've heard your more "financially responsible" friends complain about almost certainly has a porn adaptation. Being hounded by real estate agents to put your house on the market? There's a porn for that:
How to deal with an unlawful eviction? There's a porn for that:
Are you yourself a realtor giving a peer review to one of your trainees? You'll never guess, but ...
We're guessing those papers on the couch aren't the company's sexual harassment conduct policy.
All that's missing is a landlord begrudgingly fixing someone's toilet at the end, and the wish fulfillment would cut both ways. This might all sound very, very dumb, but according to one sex scientist (a job our guidance counselors never told us about), millennials love this stuff because real estate strife is something that all young people have to deal with now. This is the rental generation, after all. There's also the added dimension that some of us might end up becoming landlords one day, so yeah, this is a sort of power fantasy. In essence, it's all part relatability, part wish fulfillment, and part social commentary. Like all good porn should be.
Video Game Porn Is Now Easier (And More Graphic) Than Ever
As long as there has been art, there have been people masturbating to said art. Look at cavemen and their fertility cave drawings. Face it, if animated breasts couldn't be as sexy as the real deal, Jessica Rabbit wouldn't have sexually awakened an entire generation of boys, in the same way a shirtless Bob Hoskins bestirred a generation of young women. But animation is a lengthy and labor-intensive process, and there's no money in trademark violations, so in the past, we had to be content with some crudely drawn images of Disney princesses doing some very unladylike things. But now, thanks to digital animation, putting your favorite fictional character in compromising positions can be done with but a few flicks of the wrist.
Which we're guessing has been getting plenty of exercise.
Thanks to crowdfunding campaigns and a growing community of hardcore fans with hardcore needs, all that's required to make some high-end video game porn nowadays is someone who's computer-savvy and enjoys nudity. Luckily, that describes most software engineers. Take Overwatch, for example, which is one of the most popular games available right now, and also happens to be on fire in the porn scene.
A real breakthrough in the verisimilitude of these porn Imagineers is a phenomenal tool set called Source Filmmaker, released by gaming company Valve. This allows users to create a type of film called "machinima" (an portmanteau of "machine" and "cinema"), because it allows them to create movies with a game's visual engine. And it just so happens that Overwatch, a Blizzard property, is visually veeerrry similar to Valve's Team Fortress 2. So the Source models were easily remade into naughty Overwatch spoofs. You can't expect to give gamers a shiny tool and not expect them to look for the exploit that unlocks nude models. So now that the eggheads have done the hard part, anyone with even the simplest understanding of the tool set can download nude versions of their favorite Overwatch characters, resulting in a never=ending carousel of "hard parts" and "tool sets."
Truly, there are no limits to the human spirit of innovation.
Of course, because these videos involve animated characters and not real people, this can (and does) lead to some disturbing stuff. For instance, here's a terrifying trailer for a gang rape porno called Lara In Trouble, featuring intrepid D-cup historian Lara Croft.
NSFW, unless you were planning on quitting today anyway.
For those who prefer a multiplayer experience during their single-player sex, skillfully animated but traumatically brutal World Of Warcraft porn is abundant.
Unless you're into the idea of a Colosseum-style thousand-monster gang rape that never fucking ends, we advise you to never watch this. There are some doors that should never be opened.
The folks behind these bestial scenarios have been asked how they feel about the fact that they're showcasing rape scenes, and that millions of people are getting off to the helpless pleading of the digital victims. The men and more men over at FOW, birthplace of the WOW rape-arena video below, had this to say in their defense:
"We don't make movies for the sake of controversy; we're not sitting down and saying, 'Let's do this, it'll annoy everyone!' We actually cover a wide variety of fetishes, including gay animations, softcore, BDSM ... But the fans who support us are very vocal about the material they want to see, and they lean heavily towards darker explorations of sexuality. Naturally, we try and keep them happy by catering to that. And yes, since it's a digital medium, we're able to depict things you wouldn't normally see in regular erotica."
You may notice that they used the word "annoyed" to describe the feeling most people get when they watch a sheep-woman experience non-consensual triple penetration, and that they lumped it in with such horrors as "gay animations." Good job, fellas.
However, there are more mainstream (read: less rapey) and extremely well-made video game pornos out there. Erotic machinima gets a bad rep, and people in the sex industry tend not to take it nearly as seriously as conventional porn.
Probably because of shit like this.
There's A Shitload of Cats In Amateur Porn
Amateur porn was made for the internet. The chance for slutty savants to showcase their sexy lives has truly blossomed with the arrival of webcams and Ethernet cables. In fact, amateur porn is such a part of the internet that the internet has started seeping into its reality.
And what does the internet like even more than porn?
Cats.
There exists an extensive collection of cats catching their owners in various acts of public indecency. Cats have the perfect mix of stealthiness, curiosity, and apathy that allows them to walk in on their owners masturbating without giving even the slightest shade of a damn.
"Listen, the Meow Mix isn't going to pour itself into my dish."
Even though these cats are never more than innocent bystanders, they can quickly become the center of attention. If the comment section of this video is anything to go by, the lady who's about to take off her dress and disappoint her parents is no match for the cat in the background casually stretching on its way to the litter box. As soon as that cat walked in, the erotic striptease became incidental.
So next time you're at the shelter looking to make a feline friend, you have to ask yourself: How many amateur pornos has this rescue cat been a part of? You ultimately shouldn't care, of course, because they sure as hell don't.
When they aren't rocking your world with bad puns and questionable smut, Marina and Adam can be found on Twitter.
Also check out 5 Weird Ways Porn Completely Changed In Just A Decade and 5 Super Creepy Trends In Porn.
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