Cracked Round-Up: Say No To Drugs Edition

Cracked would like to make a very special announcement today; kids, don't do drugs. Especially not the kids who live in and around the Cracked offices. Prices on everything from blow to pot to 'ludes are through the ROOF these days. Things wouldn't be so bad if every teenager with an overly-generous allowance wasn't out there driving demand up through the roof.

Adolescence is a very special time. You're supposed to spend it awkward, terrified, horny and depressed, not high-as-balls. Sober the hell up so we can afford our weekend binges again.

UN-SEX

12 'Sexy' Ads That Will Give You Nightmares Since all marketers have cloacae instead of traditional human genitalia, it makes sense they'd have trouble getting 'sexy' right.

"In the Playstation ad, the square button totally looks like it has a vagina. Not a tongue. A vag. "

Now that you mention it, Seddah...

PHONY

The 7 Most Pointlessly Horrifying Plastic Surgery Procedures These operations take plastic surgery out of the realm of vanity and into the land of crazy-as-fuck.

"ok, i usually try to just comment on how much i enjoyed the article, but i gotta say something about #6. i'm a speech pathologist who specializes in voice. vocal fold augmentation is a medically necessary procedure for people who are chronically hoarse or have bad airway protection for swallowing due to vocal fold weakness or paresis that can't be resolved through voice therapy. nobody really does the cadaver thing because the body absorbs it too quickly. usually they use synthetic compounds like cymetra and radiesse, however these aren't 100% permanent either. that's where the gortex implants are useful because they are permanent. for people whose vocal fold muscles have atrophied due to age or injury to the point where talking is difficult and they are at risk for aspiration during swallowing, it's not horrifying and it's not unnecessary. "

Thanks for the science, punkywaffle!

INFURIATING

5 Clothing Innovations That Will be Annoying You Soon Thankfully, it's easier than ever to be a hermit. With some judicious stockpiling, you can go years at a time without encountering other humans and their pulsing, LED-threaded t-shirts.

Notable Comment:

"I thought the light-up fabric was awesome. Definitely something I would wear. "

QWERTYCommander there might be a connection between this statement, and the fact that everyone on earth hates you. Everyone. Even her.

SKINEMA

5 Things Hollywood Reuses More Than Plots It's kind of sobering to realize that someone is better at being a bunch of lazy fucks than us.

"I never thought I'd ever get to say this, but I saw Sheb Wooley, the man that wrote and performed Purple People Eater, naked. How did this come about, you ask? I used to help clean his house, and one morning he thought he would escape notice by going from his bedroom to his bathroom in the buff (as they were directly across a hallway from each other) as quick as he could, in that same fateful moment I turned to look and wouldn't you know it, naked old man jumping across the hallway. This was the same man. Extremely nice guy. Died of cancer a few years back. "

FrankCastle, we've selected your post because we want so badly for it to be true. If you prove to be lying we have a squadron of flying castration-bots on stand-by.

PRECIOUS

6 Adorable Cat Behaviors With Shockingly Evil Explanations Fucking cats.

Notable Comment:

"I don't care. I love cats."

At least you're honest about it, BuckMackane.

Cody Johnston

Introducing The Worst Saturday Night Live Ever You will shudder.

YOU YOU YOU!

And You Think Your Job Sucks We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, If Real Life Was Like Facebook.

12.10.09:

The silly string spider will eat well tonight.
by Julius_Goat

Editor's pick:

which sick bastard brought a kid in a wheelchair to see this?
by iantendo

12.09.09:

On the opposite side, PETA is protesting the use of monkeys as protestors
by tsiegle

Editor's pick:

Monkey see, monkey fuck up missing persons rally.
by Ronin22

12.08.09:

They knew good and well that if the escalator stopped working, they could be trapped for days
by Ceveron

Editor's pick:

No, YOU search them for shoplifted items!
by zbeebs

12.07.09:

Now, for the next phase of my evil plan, I need to acquire a Celine Dion CD.
by bcanders

Editor's pick:

Hip-hoptimus Prime
by bubblebrain

12.06.09:

When I heard about a "Latino chick with a nice ass in a fiery live show" this isn't what I had in mind.
by racedogg2

Editor's pick:

The poor horse never even saw the Delorean coming.
by WeezelNation

12.05.09:

Do you see a viking standing in front of an inferno, or two old guys playing chess? Find out your IQ with this simple test!
by wrightblade

Editor's pick:

7-11 did NOT have my favorite slurpee flavor.
by Ceveron

12.04.09:

When's that b***h getting back with our food?
by Ledouche

Editor's pick:

"Are you sure these World Cup tickets are legit??"
by philmercier9