5 Inspiring Acts of Kindness by Terrifying Crime Syndicates

5 The Japanese Mafia Aids Earthquake Victims

There's nothing funny about a 7.5 magnitude earthquake that kills over 6,000 people, injures 30,000 and leaves 300,000 homeless, unless it somehow makes a huge farting sound or something when it happens. Which it doesn't, so we're not sure why we even brought that up.

Anyway, such a disaster is exactly what befell Kobe, Japan in 1995. With billions of dollars worth of buildings strewn willy-nilly through the streets, the only way in and out of the city was by helicopter or foot. Unfortunately, it was in the immediate aftermath of this disaster that the national and local governments started a game of freeze tag, but one in which both parties stayed frozen and no one was "it." Thousands of stranded victims found themselves on their own.

Enter the Yakuza, the Japanese mafia, which mobilized itself and got on the ground faster than a greased-up Dan Akroyd sliding down the pole at the Ghostbusters fire station. While government officials were still untangling themselves from a behemoth game of bureaucratic Twister, the Yakuza got thousands of its members into Kobe to distribute food, water, medicine and baby diapers.

That's right; the mob got together and passed out baby diapers. And then, as if to prove that there's no crisis that can't be badassed to death, these gangstas straight descended into Kobe from their Yakuza helicopter to give thousands of blankets to the homeless.

But before you get the wrong idea...

Did we mention we're talking about the world's oldest, largest organized crime group? One with over 85,000 active members and a history so violent we're a little bit afraid to write about it? As awesome as it is to provide blankets and baby diapers to earthquake victims, it's pretty not-awesome to systematically buy unwanted Chinese daughters and put them to work as prostitutes.

4 Hells Angels Beat the Shit out of Childhood Misfortune

Best known for being fat, sweaty and terrifying, the Hells Angels happen to have a soft spot in their anarchistic hearts for underprivileged children. Which is awesome, because unlike the rest of us, children totally love it when beefy dudes on motorcycles go all charitable on their asses.

Every year, dozens of Hells Angels charters participate in local Toy Runs. Here's how it works: Members and non-members alike show up at the designated checkpoint with monetary donations and unwrapped toys. Then they ride, because somehow the two activities are related. The money and toys are donated to local Toys for Tots programs, crisis centers and various other places where watchcap-wearing waifs sit around with empty soup bowls crying about how their fathers got sent to debtor's prison.

And it turns out the Hells Angels aren't only concerned with toyless children. In 2008, members of the Las Vegas charter donated over $5,000 to Jerry's Kids. And in case you haven't fallen in gay-love with the bikers yet, a UK branch totally took it upon themselves to reach out to veterans from the Afghan war by making Help For Heroes their 2009 charity of choice.

But before you get the wrong idea...

Well, that Jerry's Kids thing we mentioned above had police so nervous that they placed SWAT teams at different stations along the route, just in case some murdering went down along the way, which is exactly the type of environment you want to provide for children with muscular dystrophy.

In recent years, members of the Hells Angels have been arrested for rioting, robbery, drug trafficking, drug making, extortion, weapons charges, attempted murder and successful murder. This is a group that only allows white males to join and once hatched a plan to assassinate Mick Jagger, which unlike their many charitable donations is not considered tax deductible.

3 Hamas is the Wrathful Santa Claus of Palestine

For those of you not all up on Palestine's #1 military church club, Hamas was founded in 1987 with the explicit purpose of replacing Israel with a Palestinian Islamic state. And, although they are better known for blowing shit up, it is estimated that Hamas spends up to 90 percent of its annual $70,000,000 budget on do-gooding throughout Palestine.

Not only does Hamas put most of its resources into soup kitchens, orphanages, sports leagues, after-school programs and medical clinics, but they do so efficiently and without corruption, which is something their rivals, Fatah, have so far been unable to accomplish.

But before you get the wrong idea...

In spite of winning a majority in parliamentary elections, Hamas is still an organization widely known for using children as bullet stoppers. See, they're not just spending all that money out of the goodness of their hearts. They're filling their ranks from the cradle to the early grave with indoctrinated extremists who couldn't even play soccer at recess without the heavy hand of Hamas making it so.

All the daycares, schools and mosques, while useful in their own supposedly life-enriching ways, are like big Tupperware parties. Only instead of committing to plastic food containers, these party-goers are committing to fundamentalist terrorism. Either way, they're screwed.

2 Somali Pirates Fight Crime

In 1991, the government of Somali fell like the Statue of Liberty in a dystopian sci-fi action movie. In its place came a 15 year nothing sandwich. During that time, Somalia existed not as a recognized state but as a land populated by a bunch of tribes, sort of like an infinitely less awesome Road Warrior.

To help the situation, European and Asian companies gallantly decided to start dumping their toxic waste in Somali waters. Piggybacking the poison dumpers came illegal commercial fishermen, who went bonkers helping themselves to delicious Somali fish to the tune of about $300-million worth per year. What could a nation in ruins possibly do to defend itself?

In the absence of a coast guard, raggedy Somali pirates stepped in to protect their waters. And it turns out that the buccaneers are getting the job done--Kenyan fishermen are reporting massive increases in their catches now that the commercial trawlers are too fucking scared to approach the East African coast.

Not only that, but these pirates are spreading the booty love around with the coastal communities that support them. Reinvigorated by pirate money, villages are now able to afford schools and generators so their children can get both an education and lights.

But before you get the wrong idea...

So that was the good news. The bad news is that these guys are pirates, which means they steal things and kidnap and murder people, and spend a great deal of their resources funding Somalia's other bad guys, the militia warlords.

Hundreds of thousands of Somalis have been killed by armed militias over the last 20 years, while millions more have been exiled. They intercept supplies intended for starving children and, in an ironic twist, were the ones who negotiated the shady toxic dumping shenanigans that begat the pirates in the first place. It's like hiring the man who killed your brother to murder the man who killed your father, and then inviting him to hang out in your treehouse afterward.

1 Pablo Escobar: Philanthromurderist

The world was undoubtedly a better place after the 1993 death of Colombian drug lord Pablo Escobar. Envigado, Colombia, however, was not. The world's richest drug kingpin did some truly incredible things for his community. Escobar paved roads, provided clean water and sewer systems, and built new airports and schools. He funded churches and sports arenas, gave everybody a $40 personal budget for medical expenses.

He even constructed a free zoo for the masses, because even poor people need to see some monkeys once in a while. If that wasn't enough, under the banner of his pet project "Medellin Without Slums," Escobar built over 400 houses for people who previously lived, literally, on piles of garbage.

The guy was beloved for his efforts, which is how Escobar won an alternate seat in the Colombian House of Representatives in 1982. That's right--a world famous drug dealer was given a seat in the House of Representatives.

But before you get the wrong idea...

As good as Escobar was at the charitable part of philanthromurderism, he was better at the murdering part. His rise to power hinged on how he dealt with authorities by offering them silver or lead. Silver as in money, lead as in bullets. The lead offer was also extended to family members.

Over 600 police officers were murdered under Escobar's watch. And they weren't just shot by ordinary drug thugs, either, no sir. Escobar recruited young boys to do it for him, and paid them nicely for every cop they killed.

He was also the first guy to order the assassination of a Colombian government official, a trend we're sure every Central and South American politician would give his firstborn hovercraft to go back in time to reverse. When Escobar was finally arrested for his heinous douchebaggery, he had a mansion-esque prison built for himself, from which he eventually escaped to do some more murder.

So, yeah, on the whole the world probably would have been better off without him.

Kristi Harrison is both murderous and humanitarian at Here-in-Idaho.com.

Do you have something funny to say about a random topic? You could be on the front page of Cracked.com tomorrow. Go here and find out how to create a Topic Page.

And check out some more douchebags that weren't all that terrible, in 6 Historical Villains Who Were Actually OK Guys. Or find out about some real douchebag moves by otherwise alright presidents, in 6 Great US Presidents and Their Crimes Against Humanity.

And stop by our Top Picks (Updated 12.15.2009) to see the goods thing we do when not infesting the Internet with dick jokes.

And don't forget to follow us on Facebook and Twitter to get dick jokes sent straight to your news feed.