6 Hilarious Ways Porn Showed Up In Innocent Places
There are many places where we might expect to see porn: on the internet, at a sperm bank, on the internet, at an over-65 masked orgy, on the internet, under a teenager's mattress before the internet, and, most prolifically, on the internet. But sometimes, the pervasiveness of porn penetrates even the most PG of places, often with disturbing consequences.
(Warning: Some of the following links are NSFW, and the article itself contains troubling euphemisms for "penis" and "vagina" from the get-go.)
Children's TV Accidentally Reveals How Babies Get Made
Besides throwing dads a bone by dressing up 20-something actresses in schoolgirl uniforms and pigtails, kids' TV is the picture of innocence. But it turns out that even the adventures of Dora The Explorer can be invaded by some accidental porn every now and then.
We're reasonably sure that researching these stories put us on all kinds of watch lists. Stories like how Time Warner Cable showed a bunch of preschoolers the Playboy Channel by accident. On their special children's channels, "Kids on Demand" and "PreSchool on Demand," preview boxes appear in the corner of shows to remind these kids what else they could be watching. Because 500-channel cable companies like giving toddlers ADHD in the same way meth dealers like giving out free samples.
But one school day morning in North Carolina, instead of teasing kids with the adventures of Scooby-Doo, a bunch of naked Playboy models popped up and showed a bunch of kids their preview boxes. Time Warner claimed it was a technical malfunction, which means their expensive algorithm couldn't tell the difference between "Kids on Demand" and "Tits on Demand." They did fix the problem, but only after two whole hours of naked ladies jiggling about the screen.
And now we know why Dexter never leaves his laboratory.
Yet this was nothing compared to what happened in New Jersey, where a bunch of kids tuned in to watch a bilingual man named Handy Manny, but instead Comcast showed them a bisexual man getting a handy. Unlike the Playboy incident, a local father of three immediately called in to complain, and the porno was quickly taken off the air. Comcast apologized profusely, especially because they had been chastised by the Disney Channel for screwing up their show -- and when it comes to kids' TV, you do not mess with the Mouse.
"Why are you wearing those gloves?"
"Oh, you'll see."
Sticking with Disney, they had another porn disaster back in North Carolina -- which must be home to the most urbane eight-year-olds, what with all this accidental sex viewing. When a mom turned on the DVR to watch Lilo & Stitch with her children, it turned into something worse. After a minute of cuddly alien action, the screen went pixelated and the kids were confronted with a couple playing "hide the ET." After a few intense seconds, Mrs. Brown caught the mix-up when she rushed in the room and turned the TV off. But not before her five-year-old son ran out screaming "I didn't do it!"
"Hey Lilo, got this new song I wanna try out. Here goes:" *bow-chicka-wow-wow*.
Great job, buddy. Now you know what puberty will be like.
Several Sports Broadcasts (Including The Super Bowl)
Watching sports often involves looking at a bunch of hard-bodied young adults showing how good they are at handling balls. Despite those undertones, these are supposed to be family-friendly affairs, and despite the odd nipple slip at halftime, major sporting events usually manage to keep the their athleticism clean and proper. It's not like Pornhub tries to sponsor major football teams or anything (just soccer).
But despite gatekeepers' best attempts, sexy times have snuck onto sports fans' screens on more than one occasion. Like when a hockey game between the Nashville Predators and the St. Louis Blues was drowned out (NSFW Audio) by hardcore porn. For a few minutes, fans were treated to the very loud moans of some female performers blaring through their TV speakers. People at home were quick to complain that they couldn't hear the sound of hockey players pounding each other on the ice over porn stars pounding each other in a hot tub.
Two minutes in the box: disappointing in both hockey and sex. (NSFW audio.)
It got even worse in New Zealand when straight-up porn made its way onto TV screens. Prime Television must have gotten confused about which kind of sweaty grunting they were supposed to show, as they aired four straight minutes of Desperate Black Wives 2 during a Sunday rugby game.
Porn or rugby -- either way, someone's receiving unprotected body shots from a sweaty dude.
But at least all of those were accidents. The worst situation has to be the one that occurred on purpose, and the one with the biggest audience. In 2009, a communications worker named Frank Gonzalez managed to splice about 10 seconds of porn into the Super Bowl. After tampering with a Comcast feed, the disgruntled employee one-upped Tyler Durden by showing most of Arizona a dude waving his love gopher around, right after a last-minute touchdown.
NSFW. (Yes, we're aware this article is running on a Sunday.)
Gonzalez wasn't caught for two years, which is the timeframe you can expect when asking Comcast to do anything.
A Lonely Bus Driver Shares His Porn With Passengers
Coaches are the kind of buses used by schools for eighth-grade field trips, or by backpacking students to get to Hungary for the price of a Starbucks coffee. Often, they have tiny televisions installed in the aisle so that the bus driver can entertain their passengers with whatever DVD they found in the truck stop bargain bin. But on an intercity bus in Chile, passengers were in for a little bit of a surprise.
While traveling from Santiago to Talagante, a local bus driver had mistakenly left a porno in his DVD player. Then, in a series of unfortunate-but-sexy events, the movie started playing while he had his back turned to the screens. So while the driver was walking down the bus aisle checking if everyone was comfortable, he had no idea that his passengers were watching two people getting very comfortable.
This was pretty bad for the kids, but at least it wasn't Grown Ups 2.
But this was only the start of the poor schmuck's humiliation, because of course someone caught this on their phone (NSFW). To make things even worse, his passengers let the embarrassing scene unfold slowly while trying to suppress both their sniggering and boners. By the time someone tipped off the driver, it was too late for him to pretend. If you look closely at the footage (and we did), you can make out the exact moment the poor man realizes he is going to have to spend the next hour of his life driving around a bunch of people who know his turn-ons like the palm of his hand.
He probably would have caught on earlier, if not for the fact that the adult movie had the same weird incidental music as your typical '80s serial killer movie (which still would have been more appropriate to show). Some music is a bit more porn-friendly than others, like ...
Jazz Radio Plays The Smooth Sounds Of Humping
Once upon a time, jazz was the rock & roll of music, its saxophones and trumpets firing up our grandparents like nothing ever before. In fact, many of us probably have smooth jazz to thank for being born. However, these days, most people only hear the sultry sounds of smooth jazz when they accidentally stumble upon '90s porn. So it's only suitable that, like anything in porn, it can swing both ways.
In 2012, Jazz FM sent mellow shockwaves through the UK when its flagship program Funky Sensations accidentally played gay porn live on air. Fortunately, it was radio, so only the audio got released. Unfortunately, it got played over the the funky love music of the band L.A.X. (NSFW Audio), so it took a long time before anybody noticed. After a while, the three listeners who weren't also having sex finally called in, and the show got fixed. The station apologized for broadcasting explicit material, and promised it would go back to only play music that sort of sounds like people grinding, instead of the actual thing.
Kenny G just became Kenny NC-17. (NSFW)
But how did this screw-up happen in the first place? As it turned out, a staff member of Jazz FM had taken a quick break to check their private email, where they found a link to some naked gentlemen having the time of their lives. Having spent their whole career in the biz of turning people on, the smooth jazz employee didn't see any harm in treating themselves to some intense dude-on-dude action. Which probably would have been fine, had they not forgotten to turn down the sound fader linked to their computer, blasting both the station's playlist and their personal masturbatory hits out at the same time.
Horns on the radio, horndogs in the studio.
The anonymous employee was summarily fired, so now we'll never know which porno syncs up perfectly with the sweet sounds of "All My Love."
An Incredibly Sad Funeral Blasts Porn For Minutes
Everyone has a different way to cope with death, whether it be crying, shouting, or dressing up like a bat and curb-stomping bank robbers. But in Wales, people seem to deal with the tragic loss of life by screening porn.
At a solemn gathering to pay respect to a father and unborn son who were killed together in a car crash, the local crematorium had turned on their four television screens to show pictures of the deceased, so people could remember them how they were. One of the screens was a brand new "smart television" that can connect to the Internet, and halfway through the ceremony it suffered an X-rated malfunction. Reverend Lionel Fanthorpe tells it best:
"I look at my congregations instead of the TV screen, but when I heard this noise and members of the congregation moving towards the screen, I realised something was wrong. Members of the family were very distressed. Thankfully, an engineer came to fix it and turn it off."
And with that, a funeral was held for the careers of everyone involved.
Which the engineer did, after several unspeakably horrible minutes. According to the funeral director, the smart TV had accidentally picked up someone's Bluetooth or WiFi instead of the slideshow's signal, which means that someone at the crematorium was making the most of their days on this planet.
Porn (Played Over A PA) Clears Out A Target
Usually, the only times things get sexy in an American superstore is when an elderly greeter refuses to break eye contact with you. But at a Target in San Jose, California, shoppers found out that there are dirtier sentences to come out of the store's speaker system than "cleanup on aisle four."
A video (NSFW) recorded by a mom carting around her two ankle biters captured the scene. The Target's sound system started pounding out the sound of a woman guiding the convoy through the canyon (i.e. "mammary intercourse"). The porn star's pillow talk ushered in the kind of chaos (NSFW) typically reserved for Black Friday sales, with people screaming, throwing down their shopping, and hurriedly covering children's' ears to protect their fragile innocence. Target employees couldn't figure out how to shut off the speakers and, after 15 minutes of moaning echoing through the aisles, they simply started evacuating the goddamn store.
NSFW, BTW.
They even called in the cops, despite how this type of emergency clearly falls under the jurisdiction of sexy firemen. The police eventually figured out that the audio system had been tampered with. After a long investigation, requiring a great deal of detective work and paper tissues, Target was able to confirm that the source of the audio had come from *gasp* outside the store. A local news channel then reported that similar incidents had recently occurred in three other California-based Target stores. To this day, the mystery remains unsolved. It might never be known what kind of sick, Machiavellian villains executed such a daring, complex scheme.
(Bored teenagers. It's always bored teenagers.)
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It turns out some rather adult situations make it into things for kids a little too often. See what we're talking about in 19 Creepy Jokes That Shouldn't Have Made It Into Kids' Stuff and 7 Horrifying Things Snuck Into Famous Children's Cartoons.
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