Reminder: 12 'Sexy' Ads That Will Give You Nightmares
Sex sells, but that doesn't mean that selling things using sex is easy. You figure a little cleavage can go a long way to sell cars or beer, but in the wrong hands a sexy ad can turn into the stuff nightmares are made of.
Not even sexy nightmares, either.
Baby Soft's Sexy Toddler
It really is hard to work pedophilia into your ad campaign gracefully. In the 70s, this Love's Baby Soft ad, with a dolled-up, pouty-lipped child and the slogan "because innocence is sexier than you think" appeared in an issue of Tiger Beat magazine.
And really, what better place to convince both young girls and sexual predators that this product can turn a preteen into a sexual dynamo?
We can't figure out whether this ad means the 70s were a much more innocent time (when, what, nobody had heard of pedophiles?) or a much, much sleazier time. From our brief research into the 70s, we're going to go with the latter.
Fortunately, we've come a long way since then...
Anti-Pedophile Awareness
... or, maybe not.
The Child and Adolescent Reference Center, perhaps worried about the army of pedophiles that Love's Baby Soft ad recruited, figured they needed to raise awareness about the problem. But how? Public service ads are so easy to ignore, and it's crucial that the public understand the horror of this issue.
Hey! Why not diagram a child blowing a dude?
The end result is a bizarre image of an invisible pedophile who's apparently only visible when viewed through some special infrared camera. Parents, your child could be getting teabagged by an invisible pedo right now.
And if the overwhelming awfulness going on in this ad isn't enough, there seems to be an ugly "how-to" vibe at work as well. How many pedophiles saw this and thought, "Rolling chair? Toy truck? Brilliant!"
We shudder to think.
Dolce and Gabbana Rape
If you're not familiar with the Dolce and Gabbana, you've likely seen the clothes if you've run into a douchebag recently. Apparently eager to distance themselves from the douche demographic, the fine folks at the D and G marketing department decided to aim for those fashionable, gay, gang-rape clubs you're always hearing about.
We could spend the rest of this article detailing all of the untold stories in the above photo. Is the naked victim dead, or just knocked out by heavy tranquilizers? The man zipping his pants, did he just finish, or is it his turn? The man on the right, listening intently... is he so new to the world of rape that he must take detailed instructions from his gray-haired rape coach on the far right?
Burger King
Like any good restaurant, Burger King is well aware that people love blowjobs. But most ad campaigns that find success by incorporating fellatio into their sales message do so by implying that if you buy their product, you will be on the receiving end of copious amounts of oral sex mere moments later. Burger King, on the other hand, apparently thinks it would work better for everyone if you were to just blow them instead.
According to the ad for their new Big Seven Incher, one of the most atrociously named food products since the McSodomy with Cheese, it will "blow your mind away." Is that what the expression the woman's face is supposed to mean? It kind of looks like she's trying to cope with the revelation that the Burger King mascot has a greasy sandwich for a dong.
Durex Condoms
Hey, we bet you thought that was going to be the most horrifying oral sex reference on the list. You were wrong, weren't you? Weren't you?
The major selling point for this ad, other than the fact it's for a 9.5-inch long condom, is that you can finally rest easy when you're giving some mostly faceless lady a Joker smile, because you're going to be covered and it's pretty obvious she's going to be bleeding.
You could call this ad "inappropriate" in the sense that it seems intended for someone with a 15-year-old boy's concept of sex. But actually it's perfectly appropriate for the Durex XXL customer: the guy who thinks his cock is so huge that no normal condom can cover it. Dude, you can fit a regular condom over your head. Even if you did have a freakish dick wide enough to rip open a jaw (say, three-inches in diameter), this product still only has one legitimate use: to impress the cashier at the drug store when you're checking out.
Playstation Body Hair Pillows
Aaaaand with one image we have been turned off of both sex and video games forever.
This has to be based off a dream somebody at Sony had. Or maybe it's the result of a hilarious mistranslation from the corporate office in Japan and the ad design team in the USA. Either way, this woman is about to get caught fucking four giant, hairy, flesh buttons.
There are so many horrible little details here: From the way the living cushions have no human features other than sweat, chest hair and pleasure trails, to the way the cushion on the far right is writhing, like a huge fucking tongue.
Also, if you look on the end of the bed there, it appears one of them came in wearing a fur coat. Have fun with that mental image for a while.
Read Deutsch Magazine, Here is Some Beastiality
Apparently the ad department at this German magazine couldn't think of anything else that accurately encapsulated what their periodical has to offer the public more than a woman getting oral from a dog. We've all been backed into that corner before.
The series of ads feature nothing more than the word "Deutsch" and then in smaller text the assurance that it's a magazine for international lifestyles. Really, Deutsch? That's how they do it overseas? What country are you talking about exactly?
Maybe this is an attempt at an image makeover, like Dolce and Gabbana, and it all started with them figuring out how they as Germans could put those unpleasant Nazi associations behind them. So really it was this or pedophilia, and that one was already taken.
Patrick Cox Shoes: Ideal for Jockstrap Wrestling
Coming from the UK, this ad for Patrick Cox shoes demonstrates what happens when ad people realize that shoes are fucking boring and that angry, Greco-Roman man sex will at least draw some extra attention to those boring ass shoes.
On first glance you might think "but those dudes aren't even wearing shoes" and you'd be right, but there does appear to be a female spectator in shoes, watching as one jock-strap wearing greasy man pile drives another jock-strap wearing dude's corn hole on a hardwood floor. See, it's not the official shoe of man rape, it's the official shoe of watching man rape.
The company was disappointed to see their ad banned and responded by pointing out that, since both men have jock straps on, technically no penetrative sex can take place. Thank God for that, otherwise this perplexing gymnasium pseudo rape scene might be weird.
S&M Vacuums
Back to Germany again, where if you can't make someone feel awkward with your ad campaign then you're just doing it wrong. As you can see, this ad clearly exemplifies why this particular brand of vacuum will suit the needs of any home owner, so long as that home owner only needs a vacuum for the purposes of tying up nude intruders and debasing them in front of a mirror.
You know what's really sad about this scenario (OK, other than the dude's thong and knee boots)? That rug looks filthy.
Toilet Paper Sex
Some products are inherently sexy. The nipple tassel market can't help but be ensconced in sexiness all the time. Lingerie, stripper poles, bananas, all these things carry with them an air of attraction and hotness. And then, on the other end of the spectrum, are products that were specifically designed to clean dirty assholes. Aside from a few "special" people, no one finds these things sexy.
Despite this, the people who make Renova toilet paper thought that ass wiping was a good basis for a sexy ad, the woman looking desperate for access to her man's exceptionally clean anus. Also, their bathroom is a warehouse.
AIDS Awareness: Under the Sea (of Penis)
The ad portrays the worst fishing spot in the known world, somewhere in the Dick Ocean, while a naked Disney Princess guides her condom sub through what is undoubtedly the most obscene coral reef in the history of ever. There are dick turtles, dick octopi, dick jellyfish and even a nasty dick anemone that appears to be splooging in the bottom center.
Worst of all? The artist didn't Google "how does a condom work" before putting brush to paper. You don't put the woman in there, silly. That won't even work, unless you're using Durex XXLs.
The message we're left with? Ladies, do not go scuba diving nude or the entire ocean will try to give you syphilis.
Fucking Hitler
We made a joke up there about Germany and Nazis and we're starting to feel bad about it. After all, the Germans are known for much more than Hitler and sexual perversion. Right?
On an unrelated note, here's a German AIDS public service ad featuring Hitler railing some broad from behind. Everybody involved seems to be enjoying themselves, so we're not completely sure who is supposed to be frightened by this. Really, the only message is that you should always knock before barging into Hitler's room.
The idea behind the campaign was to liken AIDS to some of history's more infamous mass murderers, including Stalin and Saddam Hussein, all of whom are pictured mid coitus with models who we can only assume did not inform friends and family of this particular job.
For more baffling ads, check out 7 Insane Ads That Have No Clue What They're Selling and 10 Awesome Ads (For Traumatizing Children).
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Check out the first two books in Robert Brockway's Vicious Circuit series, and pre-order the third, Kill All Angels, available December 26th.
