The 7 Most Pointlessly Horrifying Plastic Surgery Procedures
Plastic surgery has blessed us with something our forefathers never had: huge boobs on skinny girls. But science--and shallow people with extra money to throw around--were not satisfied with that miracle.
No, they continued developing plastic surgery techniques that strayed out of the realm of the vain and image-obsessed and into the land of WTF.
Ear Pointing
A small wedge of the ear is removed and the remaining ear is stitched together. The result is an ear that is pointed, much like that of an elf or an owl or Spock.
Wait, why do you want to look like any of those things?
The Price
Around $1,800.
The Side Effects
Side effect? Your ears will be fucking pointed! The side effect is what the main effect becomes 30 years after you've lost all interest in the things that made you want to get pointed ears. Are you picturing it? You're 50-years old, interviewing for a job at a car dealership? And you have fucking elf ears?
"And then your Grandpa's pal Jerry said 'It'll be awesome, you'll look just like Spock!' And that's why Grandpa can't get a job today."
People Actually Do This?
Not only do people do this, but here's the crazy thing: Some people are born with pointed ears and, because their parents actually love their child, the problem is surgically fixed while they are still infants and immune to Lord of the Rings jokes. So in the case of ear pointing, people are spending cash to have their local tattoo and piercing artist GIVE them what amounts to a rare birth defect.
That's right, a tattoo or piercing artist. Ear pointing is considered a "pseudo surgery," so it's not usually performed by doctors, but instead by "body modders" like Steve Haworth, who is generally credited with inventing the procedure. Basically, the same body-modification types who will stretch your lobes to the point that ear sex becomes feasible, will also point your ears so that ear sex also becomes a ridiculously creepy fetish.
Voice Lift
We'll warn you in advance, this shit sounds delightful! During a voice lift, the neck is cut open, and implants are placed in the vocal chords. Sometimes, fat is injected into the vocal chords also. One doctor even takes ground up cadaver skin and injects it into your throat!
The idea is that if your voice has become old and scratchy with the years, this will have you sounding like a young man again! You'll look 20 years younger! On the phone!
"Wazzzaap? I'm looking forward to wrangling some bitches with you this evening."
Also, you might start speaking in the southern drawl of the deceased serial killer whose cadaver you just had injected into your neck.
The Price
$3,500 - $7,000.
The Side Effects
Your voice could become hoarse and raspy if the procedure is not done right. That would defeat the purpose, but the risk of sounding like Tom Waits certainly wouldn't deter us. If you could guarantee results like that, we'd be in surgery right now. But what if the doctor does the job too well? That flabby couch potato body of yours would just be all the more ridiculous if you had a voice like Fran Drescher.
People Actually Do This?
Damn straight they do. When it comes to the voice lift, the awesomely named Dr. Peak Woo makes it sound as normal as botox. And if you're the type who thinks injecting botulism into your furrowed forehead is normal, then we suppose it is.
That article that we linked to above claims that P-Woo performs one zombie skin injecting procedure per week. And that was in 2004. Five years later, it's a pretty safe bet that business is even more booming now. That, or the cadaver injection turned one patient into a ravenous zombie who then ate him. Pretty awesome either way.
The Toe Tuck
Having your pinky toe "tucked" can involve something minor yet still absurd, like liposuction, or something more extreme, like removing the entire bone from the toe. That seems way more complex than just hacking the damn thing off, but our medical license was revoked years ago, so we could be wrong. But seriously, what happens to that toe when you take the bone out? Does it just flop around in the wind and shit? Really, we're asking.
So why do they do it? Brace yourselves:
It's so fashionable narrow shoes will fit better.
We really don't deserve to survive as a species.
The Price
Around $2,000 per toe.
The Side Effects
Undergoing this surgery requires full anesthesia, and carries along with it a high risk of nerve damage and infection. The procedure can take anywhere from 20 minutes to two hours depending on how complicated it gets. The recovery time can range from a few weeks to a few months. But that's the price you pay to look fierce on the catwalk (or stripper pole).
People Actually Do This?
Not only do people do it, but according to this article, sometimes it doesn't even stop with the little toe. Some women get the procedure done if their second toe is too long. Why? Because they don't like the way it looks.
Listen, ladies. If your guy is put off because your second toe is kind of long, you don't get surgery, you find another guy. That dude with his foot fetish is creepy as shit. You may not realize it right away, but when you come home one day and he's dancing around the living room to a Morrissey song with his junked tucked between his legs, you'll know it then. Do you really want to wait that long?
"I'd fuck me. Also I wish your toes were smaller."
Micropigmentation
Micropigmentation is a tattoo that replaces makeup. Anything from eye liner to eye shadow to eyebrows can be permanently painted on your mug. Finally, a tattoo you won't live to regret! Until you do!
The Price
$300-$1,500.
The Side Effects
There aren't really any more physical side effects than you would get with regular tattoos--remorse, humiliation, the potential for hepatitis--but there are some things to think about before you decide to have yourself permanently dolled up. The standard for beauty changes every few years, and makeup can change every day. Ladies, imagine if you had this procedure done in, say, 1984.
People Actually Do This?
Judging from the countless number of websites espousing the virtues of micropigmentation, they most certainly do. While it does have its benefits (in instances of pigmentation loss or alopecia), some of the other suggested uses are just ridiculous. Here are some prime examples from this list of The Top 10 Reasons for Micropigmentation:
Convenience: Saving up to 100 hours per year in makeup application!
No more smears!
The outdoors: It can be tough to manage makeup application if you spend a lot of time in the wilderness!
It offers the natural look!
Well now that they put it that way, we're sold!
The Tongue Patch
Much like that "Slippery When Wet" patch that you still inexplicably have sewn onto your acid washed denim jacket, the tongue patch is, well, a patch that's sewn onto your tongue.
If you're thinking people get these to cover the hole from an old tongue piercing, well, that's actually quite a bit less retarded than the real reason. No, the thing is essentially a torture device intended to force you to diet.
The patch makes eating solid food so painful that the only nourishment possible to take in is liquid. Not a horrible situation really, until you consider that the point is to lose weight and relying on Natty Light for your nourishment would spit in the face of everything you're trying to accomplish.
The patch stays sewed onto your tongue for a month so you can shed 15-30 pounds in the most horrific manner possible this side of tape worms.
The Price
About $1,000.
The Side Effects
After just seven days, a liquid only diet can cause hair loss, fainting, gallstones and comas. Comas! Read that again slowly if need be. This liquid diet lasts for an entire month. Your body will lose weight, but not all of the body weight lost is fat. For those who don't know much about nutrition, the highest quality proteins available come in the form of solid food. When your body doesn't receive the necessary protein, shit gets real. Your body goes all John Dillinger on itself and will rob protein from wherever it can get it, usually from muscles and organ tissue.
This can lead to other bad things, not the least of which being that your body is eating its own muscle and organ tissue. Oh, and that weight you lost? Most of it will come right back when you reintroduce delicious baby back ribs into your diet.
People Actually Do This?
Eh, unlike the other stuff on the list, this one is debatable. According to this article, the tongue patch "is taking California by storm - ten people have it." While 10 people may qualify as a good starting point for a decent sized cult, it certainly doesn't make for a plastic surgery craze. Nevertheless, the procedure does exist. And if those skinny jeans you're rocking right now have anything to say about it, you may want to look into it.
Knee Lift
Who among us hasn't been in the uncomfortable situation of preparing to breach the border of Boningville when, suddenly, you catch a glimpse of your mate's floppy, shriveled knees and find that it's enough to put you off sex forever?
Neither have we, but it must be a problem, because knee lifts really exist. It's a simple tuck procedure where sagging skin is removed and the remaining skin is stitched back together tight to create a more "youthful" appearing knee.
The Price
Approximately $8,000.
The Side Effects
Other than visible scarring, side effects are minimal. But unlike a tummy tuck or a breast lift, there's nowhere to hide the scars from a knee lift. Unless you wear pants, which we rarely do.
People Actually Do This?
You know how, despite being approximately 109-years old, Demi Moore still looks pretty damn hot? That doesn't happen by accident. It takes years and years of eating right and exercising and just generally taking good care of ones self. Oh, and also a plastic surgery budget the likes of which could finance the invasion and overthrow of a mid-level dictatorship.
What the fuck?!
In Demi Moore's case, part of that budget was spent tightening up her unsightly knee flaps. But hey, if it meant cashing in a life of platonic family time with Bruce Willis for a fun-filled marriage with Ashton Kutcher, wouldn't you do it too? No need to answer that, we already know you would.
Prosthetic Testicles... For Your Dog
So, let's say you've bought every kind of plastic surgery the medical profession has thought of, but still have cash left over. What now?
Hey, the dog has seemed a little down recently. He's probably jealous of all the plastic surgery you're having! Come here, Fluffy! You're going under the knife!
But what kind of surgery would a dog want? Surely an eye lift isn't going to do a Rottweiler any good. Oh! How about some nice fake balls.
Yes, now a neutered animal can have solid silicone implants placed in its ball sack to replicate the look and feel of testicles. There are many different sizes to accommodate all pets; from dogs, cats, horses, bulls, monkeys, prairie dogs and even rats. Fake rat balls, you guys!
The Price
$109 to $1,800.
The Side Effects
According to a Neuticles ad:
"Dogs neutered with NEUTICLES do not realize they have been neutered do not suffer post neutering trauma." Sounds awesome, yeah? Your pet won't suffer any of that post-ball removal malaise that pet owners dread. What's that? Pet owners haven't noticed any change in their pet's demeanor after being snipped? Well fuck you, pet owners, it's a real condition. The people that invented Neuticles discovered it! And they won the prestigious IG Nobel Peace Prize for their work. Their website says so. Sure, the IG Nobel Peace Prize is to science what the Razzie Awards are to acting chops, but still, they won y'all!
People Actually Do This?
It is estimated in 2009 the U.S. will spend 45.4 billion dollars on their pets. There are over 100 countries in the world that don't make that much money in a year. One of the biggest trends that has been picking up steam in the past few years is pet plastic surgery. As for Neuticles, business is going so well they actually offer pretenda-balls in several different sizes and textures. This means that there are people out there choosing prosthetic pet testicles based on which one they believe will feel better inside their pet's sack.
We know what you're asking: "What if I want to give my kitty cat gigantic tennis ball-sized nuts for my own amusement?" The answer is, it can't hurt to ask!
How fucking big is that dog?!?
Do you have something funny to say about a random topic? You could be on the front page of Cracked.com tomorrow. Go here and find out how to create a Topic Page.
And check out some men that could probably use some of this surgery, in The Top 25 Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians. Or find out who the cat woman is, in 7 People Who Never Gave Up (But Absolutely Should Have).
And stop by our Top Picks (Updated 12.08.2009) to see "Doctor" Swaim getting ready to operate on Gladstone.
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