Cracked Round-Up: Jerry P. O'Connell Edition

This one goes out to our "friend", Jeffy P. Those of you in the comments section know him better as "bawlz4eva". This Monday, to our eternal regret, the ancient circle of Sumerian priests we hired to cast a pox upon Jeffy's genitals succeeded.

Hiring old-world magicians to hex those who mock us is a long-held Cracked tradition. This, however, is the first time it's ever actually worked. Jeffy was afflicted by a virulent case of pyro-syphilis, which quickly spread to his brain and incinerated his frontal lobe. Jeffy, if you're reading this, we're sorry. Free Cracked.com leg-warmers have been mailed to your next-of-kin.

Cody started us off with an episode of the Game Helpin' Squad, while Bucholz went undercover as a 13-year-old girl. Meanwhile, Seanbaby reviewed online IQ tests.

AWRY

6 Ways You Can (Accidentally) Attract The Ladies Seriously though, if you haven't accidentally attracted the ladies yet, chances are it isn't going to happen now.

"I'm not sure I can get a handle on number five. According to that one, being average looking is more attractive then being attractive, and thus, being attractive is less attractive than being average. By my calculations, either this causes the idea of beauty to instantly implode or it can be manipulated to create an infinite feedback loop of hotness."

Gropingantelope, we're working to acquire funding for a study on your "Infinite Feedback Theory" of Hotness. Our best men are staring at pages upon pages of tits as we speak.

OLDE

5 Materials That Will Make The World As We Know It Obsolete Soon , all of your fancy and expensive gadgets will look just as ridiculous as the Nintendo Power Glove looks today.

Notable Comment:

PessOpt asks, "So how long until I can get a shape shifting sex robot? "

Two days.

INDOCTRINTASTIC

The 6 Most Horrific Lessons Ever Taught In Elementary School Nothing soothes the soul like lying to children.

"that holocaust thing totally f**king happened to me in fourth grade at my Christian school in Calgary. the German teacher actually stole some of the 'jew' kids' lunches, including mine. I s**t you not. "

etherama1, your teacher was just giving you an accurate recreation of the infamous Lunchboxnacht.

Cracked!

Agents of Cracked: A Daring Tale of Sex, Idiocy and Revenge A tribute to the most profound work of modern cinema since Tommy Boy.

There was way more talk of necrophilia in the comments section than any of our staff is comfortable with.

WAR

5 Battlefield Screw-ups That Were Hilarious (Until People Died) Not the best article for those of you contemplating a military career to read.

Notable Comment:

MajorDSaster sent this to Humor In Uniform, "#3 reminds me of an old military saying: "Why are generals so dumb?" - "Because they are chosen among the colonels." "

Agents of Cracked

The Beginning Of The End A shocking cliff-hanger!

YOU YOU YOU!

25 Handprint Art Projects Way More Badass Than A Turkey We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, The World, If Everyone Had One Day to Live.

11.26.09:

"Stan's comment "Well, that's the second biggest frog I've ever seen" never ceased haunting his friends' thoughts. "
by oskhen

Editor's pick:

I'll find your frog for 3000, chief. But I'll catch 'im, and kill 'im for 10000. That gets you the mouth, the legs, the whole damn thing
by Roclawzi

11.25.09:

Jerry was an unconventional clown. Instead of balloon animals, he recreated his birth.
by nimo

Editor's pick:

I don't care what Schwartznegger says, this is a god damn tumor.
by Julius_Goat

11.24.09:

Joey jumped for seven hours before he learned that the girls with the rope left.
by bryp777

Editor's pick:

Abu Ghirab 2: Electrode Boogaloo
by librarianmike

11.23.09:

Michael Bay Presents Modern Art
by iamsancho

Editor's pick:

I don't know what it is, but I will call it "Sir."
by Mr.Excalibur

11.22.09:

I can't think of anything humerus
by librarianmike

Editor's pick:

I was lured here with a promise of completely naked truckers.
by geniuswaitress

11.21.09:

When man first discovered fire, he discovered the crap out of it.
by Roclawzi

Editor's pick:

Not THIS week again
by metsfan

11.20.09:

See, this is why I only eat free range organic velociraptor.
by Julius_Goat

Editor's pick:

Red makes the velociraptors go faster.
by Diasdiem