7 Inventors You Didn't Know You Wanted to Punch In the Face
Throughout the course of an average day, you're probably faced with 10 to 20 different things that make you say, "Man, if I knew who came up with that idea, I'd punch them clean in the face." But where do you place that absolutely understandable rage? You place it on these people. With your fist, if possible.
Mitch Bainwol, Head of the RIAA
The Man
Mitch Bainwol is the current CEO of the Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA). Christ, do we even need to finish this entry? You've probably heard all you need to hear.
The Crime
The following scenario is brought to you by Mitch Bainwol:
After receiving an email from that unofficial Miley Cyrus fanclub message board that you're way too old to be signed up for, you find out that her new album has leaked to the Internet a month early. You can barely sit still as you joyfully count the seconds away to torrent download completion and pure unadulterated teen-pop magic. A few days later, you get another email that goes something like this:
Dear Anonymous Internet User,
Please give us $3,000 for that Miley Cyrus album you downloaded or we will end your shit.
XOXOXO,
The RIAA
Prior to 2003, the RIAA was still not winning any popularity awards among the American public. However their hate crimes against music and teenagers had been limited to dismantling Internet file-sharing services and creating copy-protected CDs that nobody could use. Then in 2003, the board of directors decided to fuck Public Relations all together and summoned Mitch Bainwol from the deepest pits of Litigation Hell.
"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh M'tch B'nwol R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!"
Bainwol (equipped with his legions of lawyer minions) set to work in ravaging the bank accounts of their own customers who were, in many cases, downloading a couple of tracks from an album to see if they wanted to buy it. His victims of choice include any student with a college fund, any parent with a school kid and any house with a computer. Usually, defendants pay a settlement fee (that ranges anywhere from $3,000-$12,000) but in the instances where the cases went to court... let's just say Christmas came early at the Bainwol household. In the case against Jammie Thomas-Rasset, the RIAA was awarded $80,000 per song, or $1.92 million after she was found guilty of sharing the most embarrassing 24 song playlist imaginable with countless Internet users.
Moments before a SWAT team busted in.
Of course if Bainwol had stopped there, he probably wouldn't have made this list. But, feeling that the RIAA coffers weren't filled quite enough with gold and tears, his lawyers later claimed that you are violating copyright law if you rip a CD you own to your own computer.
They claim this to be because the user is transferring the music into a medium "not of the artist's choosing." By that logic, even singing in the shower could be considered a felony as you are using an unauthorized medium of atmospheric vibrations.
John Langley, Inventor of Reality TV
The Man
John Langley is an American television director. Among his credits are documentaries like American Vice: The Doping of a Nation, Who Murdered J.F.K. and Terrorism: Target U.S.A. Oh, he's also the creator of the FOX television mainstay Cops, which lit the fuse on the Reality Television turd bomb.
The Crime
During the infamous Writers Guild Strike of 1988, television networks suddenly found themselves at a loss for badly-thought out teleplays. Without the writers to tell them exactly when to bring coma patients back to life, soap operas suffered immensely. The season finale of Star Trek: The Next Generation was composed almost entirely of footage from previous episodes. To this day, just the thought of that debacle sends fanboys into nerdtastic convulsions.
Above: Seething nerd rage
Meanwhile, inspired by the natural eloquence of the stoners he filmed being locked up on his documentary American Vice, Langley approached FOX with the idea for an unscripted reality show where the cameras just follow a bunch of cops around and watch them arrest people and chase them through alleys. Realizing he had just pitched a show where they would not have to pay writers or actors, the network jumped at the proposal and Cops, America's first reality TV show, was born.
With the creation of Cops, Langley earned himself a whole new title: "The Father of Reality TV." Yeah, MTV took the format to dastardly new heights with The Real World, but the fact remains, when it comes to shit you could sit on your front porch and see (depending on your neighborhood) being passed off as good television, Cops did it first.
We promise, we don't put the lyrics down h- BAD BOYS BAD BOYS WHATCHA GONNA DO!
And now, you get to spend your Tuesday nights watching obese people cry about how their mommies never loved them and dudes with washboard abs trying to pick a future ex-wife from a bevy of fake breasted skanks, all thanks to one guy who figured out that you don't need to spend a bunch of money on creative people because, after all, the viewers will watch anything.
Ronald A. Katz, Inventor of the Automated Call Center
The Man
Ronald A. Katz is an innovator in the field of automated call center technology. That sentence alone should be hint enough that he's worthy of a shot to the grill, but we'll go on. His inventions are varied, ranging from moderately useful (toll free numbers, computer telephone integration units) to mostly ineffective (voice recognition systems).
"Since we can't legally show you a photo of Katz,
we've had an artist create this rough depiction of how he might look today."
But he also invented something else, something so nefarious that, if he happened to be in the room while you were using it, you'd very likely throttle his windpipe without so much as a second thought about the possible consequences.
The Crime
Do these words sound familiar to you?
"Hello, you've reached the Asshole Company That Doesn't Give a Shit About You customer helpline. For assistance in paying bills, press one; to receive product information, press two; if you have a problem with our product, press three; if none of these options apply, press four and your call will be disconnected leaving you to aimlessly wander around our website in a desperate last ditch effort to resolve your issue..."
By the looks of the blood rushing to your ears, we're guessing you've already been acquainted with automated customer service representatives. When it comes to those lifeless, automated agents of uselessness and frustration, Katz is their god. During his years spent transforming your life into an automated Hell on Earth, Katz has obtained more than 50 U.S. patents. With an estimated 150 companies having purchased licenses to use his patience eroding creations, Ronald Katz is estimated to be the wealthiest patent holder ever. Meanwhile, the check you're trying to write for a 12 pack of Steel Reserve won't go through because Katz's other invention, Telecredit, verified that your account just happens to be $206.38 in the hole. Just one more reason to let one fly on this dude's dome.
Alvin Eicoff, Inventor of the Infomercial
The Man
In the field of advertising, Alvin Eicoff is a legend. In fact, he's so much of a legend that he was elected to the Direct Marketing Association (yes, that really exists). Hell, it was his idea to use toll free phone numbers for television orders. Without this dude, that Snuggie you bought would have included long distance charges. Why would you possibly want to punch this guy in the face?
The Crime
Along with the 800-number thing, Alvin Eicoff also came up with Direct Response Television. What's that, we just pretended you asked? Think "Billy Mays."
Yes, Direct Response Television is that heinous method of product pitching that centers around beating the same message into the bleary eyed customer's subconscious until the only words remaining in their vocabulary are "call now." The products are mostly useless, they pressurize you with time bound offers and the actors pretend to wet themselves with excitement over an orange peeler.
And you fall for that shit because, yeah, now that they mention it some 75 times in 30 seconds, maybe they're right. You do need a carrot juicer! And while you're on the horn, you might as well pick up an Awesome Auger and a pair of scissors that will cut through a penny. That deal only lasts for 10 minutes!
If not for Alvin Eicoff, Mr. T would have never gotten to spread the good news about the FlavorWave.
Every time Billy Mays worked himself into a cocaine fueled lather and screamed at you about the miracle of Magic Putty, he was doing Alvin Eicoff's dirty work. Eicoff later compounded this already dastardly deed by demanding that every ad must end with the words "or your money back." If it hadn't taken you 78 days to get around to using that Showtime Rotisserie that came with the 30 day money back guarantee, you'd maybe be able to thank him for that. But it did, so you can't. Also, he's totally dead. That's what you get for not acting now!
John Law, the Guy Who Crashed the World's Economy From the Grave
The Man
John Law was a Scottish economist. When we say "economist," we mean that in the loosest terms possible. Prior to being tasked with running the national bank of France back in the 1700s, you wouldn't have taken him for the kind of guy you would even trust with a child's piggy bank. Possibly because of that unfortunate murder charge that kept him from leaving the country.
But put him in charge they did, and what he did with this newfound power has a whole lot to do with why you're quite possibly living in a trailer park right now.
A Polish cartoon from 1720 that mocks John Law's policies.
(We have no idea what's actually going on in this cartoon, but it's kind of hot.)
The Crime
You've heard of sub-prime lending, right? You know, that's the system where American bankers believed that they could turn a bunch of really bad hobo debts into a class of AAA securities by using nothing more than the power of wishful thinking. Well, turns out, they weren't the first to try the miracles of this practice. Your boy John Law introduced the system in France during the early 18th century with (surprise!) the same disastrous consequences.
As Controller General of Finance, Law convinced the French royals to pay off their government debts by exchanging them for shares in the Mississippi Company, which held exclusive trading rights to France. One small problem: the company wasn't making profits, the shares were worth shit and nobody wanted them. To overcome this setback, Law repackaged a bunch of these sub-prime debts as marketable securities and voila--the shares became hotter than a Parisian hooker in a lace corset.
Law's plan worked for awhile--that is, before it crashed and burned. The French economy, along with a lot of Europe, plummeted into deep recession and economic crisis. Meanwhile, the French peasants, thrown into poverty and destitution, were subjected to the 18th century version of Suze Orman. This understandably set the stage for the French Revolution. It also led to the United States trying the exact same shit hundreds of years later which, in turn, led to the Cracked offices being relocated to an abandoned Carl's Jr. on the outskirts of Butte, Montana. Thanks, France!
Andy Hindelbrand, Inventor of Auto-Tune
The Man
Andy Hindelbrand had worked for years interpreting seismic data for the oil industry. Using a mathematical formula called autocorrelation, Hindelbrand would send sound waves into the ground and record their reflections, providing an accccccccccccca;sdlk... whoa, we fell asleep for a second there! An accurate map of potential drill sites. That's what that boring shit he was doing was all about.
Now if you're thinking that's one dull dead-end job, don't... his technique saved the oil companies millions and allowed him to retire at 40. That's reason enough to blast him in the facepiece, but there's more.
The Crime
After 13 years of playing music for rocks, Hindelbrand figured he needed to party and unwind. During a retirement dinner party, a guest challenged him to a most interesting, um, challenge. She wanted him to invent a box that would allow her to sing in tune. After presumably consulting with Satan himself, Hindelbrand took up the challenge and created Auto-Tune.
Because of Satan.
Though Hindelbrand designed the device to be used primarily for pitch correction, Cher promptly employed it to sound like a drowning R2-D2 on her comeback hit "Believe," giving the public their first encounter with Auto-Tune. Hindelbrand hadn't realized that basic human nature towards a new technological toy would be to blatantly misuse it or turn it into a method of mass torture. This is something we at Cracked could have easily predicted. Afterall, give a kid a GTA console and he'll spend the first 10 minutes killing pedestrians in the most creative ways possible.
Now Auto-Tune has become an indispensable part of the music industry, acting as a sort of Photoshop for the human voice. From Britney Spears to obscure Bollywood soundtracks, every singer now presumes that you'll just run their voice through the box.
It gets worse. Since literally anyone can sing with its help, the maker's of Auto-Tune have now teamed up with T-Pain to release a $99 version of the device along with iPhone applications for home musicians.
Gary Thuerk, Inventor of Spam Emails
The Man
Gary Thuerk has had Internet access since most of the people reading this were just swimmers in their fathers' hairy sack. We'll give you a second to meditate on that, kids. Cool, moving on. Back in 1973, when the Internet was still called Arpanet, Thuerk was working as the marketing manager for the creatively named Digital Equipment Corporation and was looking for a fast and easy way to let people know about his company's products.
Early Carrier-Pigeon Spam wasn't annoying enough.
What he came up with would have repercussions that last to this very day. Repercussions that, if they are to be believed, will increase your penis size by 500 percent and allow you to refinance your home in a way that will actually end up making you money.
The Crime
Thuerk's idea for promoting his product was to send an unsolicited email to some 600 Arpanet users. That's right, Gary Thuerk is the dickface who first thought up the concept of spam email.
If you're thinking 600 is a small number compared to spammers today, keep in mind that this was in 1973, and there were only a total of about several thousand users of Arpanet at the time.
When the email users checked their inboxes, the foreign looking message with a cc list longer than Sarah Jessica Parker's face was a strange and unusual sight. Some, ignorant of the trend of Viagra messages the notification would spark, found it interesting. Others cursed Thuerk when their computer crashed. The Defense Communication Agency was furious and forbid Thuerk from ever sending unsolicited mails again.
But the seeds of a national menace had been formed. Today, a managed email security firm based in New York says spam now makes up more than 80 percent of all email being sent around the world.
These days, Thuerk says people have one of three reactions when they meet him: some are excited to meet someone with such an unusual claim to fame; some avoid him like the plague; and others, us for example, just want to deliver a fist of fury to his piehole. Can you blame us?
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For more people that deserve face beatings, check out 7 Obnoxious Assholes Who Show Up At Every Concert and 8 Customers Everyone Hates.
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