Cracked Round-Up: A Plea To Our Readers

We're going to get straight to the point: Cracked.com is having some legal trouble. Some ridiculous human rights organization thinks that we're playing a "major role" in the trans-Pacific domestic slave trade. It's all just bullshit, but the government wants us to explain the whereabouts of around twelve-hundred of our former staffers.

So if a few hundred of you wouldn't mind dressing up in costume, assuming a false identity, and lying to the police for us, that'd be just peachy. We can't pay you, but we are offering a free one-way bulk-rate flight to South-East Asia to all volunteers.

This week started off with some investing advice, straight from Nicholas Cage (by way of Chris Bucholz). Brockway followed up with some advice for dealing with Xbox hardware issues. Cody wrote about how much he loved AMC's The Prisoner, while Seanbaby put words in Wonder Woman's mouth (sometimes). Dan O'Brien closed things off by putting forth a troubling philosophical question to the collective wisdom of the comments section.

They mostly made gay jokes.

DICKS

7 Great Products For Telling The World You're A Rich Dick Why attain wealth if not to flaunt it before your fellow man?

"Actually lot of rich people are thrifty, Cracked. For instance, my friends and I prefer to beat the homeless people on our property with clubs instead of wasting money on bullets."

Fantastic, we at Cracked thank you for taking Mother Earth into consideration. Perhaps you might try composting the corpses too?

FAD-TASTIC

8 Online Fads You Didn't Know Where Invented Decades Ago So the Internet didn't turn us into a horde of gibbering fucktards. We've just always been that way.

Notable Comment:

"...I was a kid in Eastern Europe after 1982...I'm not even kidding. I was born in Yugoslavia in 1988. Still never heard of audio cassette pirating. "

VincentDantes grew up in Eastern Europe! Maybe he can tell us what cabbage schnapps tastes like.

EEK

The 6 Most Unintentionally Creepy Movie Romances All of these romances were invented by writers, the one group of people on this earth least qualified to talk about relationships.

"You left out anything starring an "aged" Sean Connery. I'm looking at you Entrapment!! "

Asur, there's nothing creepy about making love to Sean Connery.

SCREWED

6 Inventors Who Got Jack Shit For Changing The Modern World If you work hard and manage to create something truly exceptional, you too can know the joy of not getting credit for your invention.

Azureskies says, "You know who else doesn't get enough respect? The guy who invented the knot. Imagine where the world would be if no one had thought to intertwine two peaces of flexible fibers together so as to attach two things that aren't naturally sticky. There would have been no nautical advancements whatsoever because all the boats would have floated off to sea when the tide came in. "

We felt puntarget68's quote deserved recognition, although we're not really sure why.

WIMMIN

7 Popular Chick Flicks That Secretly Hate Women We'd like to dedicate this article to the six interns who lost their lives doing the research for this article. None of them made it all the way through Twilight.

Notable Comment:

AmbrMerlinus chided, "Congrats. You chose the International Transgender Day of Remembrance to use "tranny" as an insult. "

So, correct us if we're wrong here, using the word "tranny" as an insult any other day would be fine?

Agents of Cracked

The Curse Of The Idol The dreaded performance review.

YOU YOU YOU!

If Blockbuster films had been made for $50 We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contest, Handprint Art Project More Badass Than Turkey.

11.19.09:

"who the hell are you calling Sarah Jessica Parker??"
by iantendo

Editor's pick:

How centaurs are made
by bcanders

11.18.09:

I could make a joke about white trash, but that would be too easy. Like your mom.
by Ledouche

Editor's pick:

Rorschach's Journal, November 18th, 2009: City grows more decrepit every day. Human insects parading around, self indulgent. Metaphor about human trash even came true. Sick with this country. I leave it to its guilty pleasures.
by Valthonis

11.17.09:

San Francisco SWAT
by bryp777

Editor's pick:

I think we all know what the knee pads are for..
by tsiegle

11.16.09:

Just then, Sonic the Hedgehog burst through the door with a determined look on his face.
by Gatt

Editor's pick:

They're making a vowel movement...
by Backinblack

11.15.09:

I question the motives of any man who puts supermodel lips on a painting of a monkey.
by Roclawlzi

Editor's pick:

Steve's Portrait of a black man may not have been in good taste.
by metsfan

11.14.09:

That'll do, massive abomination, that'll do.
by Roclawzi

Editor's pick:

I thought seeing the giant pig would be fun but it was just a big boar.
by Leaf

11.13.09:

Is that man in the sign having sex with that baby?
by Xanatos

Editor's pick:

November 13, 2009, 2:06 p.m.: Yarn becomes self-aware.
by spectre_vampire