Cracked Round-Up: Bodily Fluid Donation Edition

In an ongoing effort to provide ever more services to our loyal readers, Cracked has hired an astrologer to forecast each weekend. Zarbo the Magnificent- who has been declared "Psychic as Fuck" by the University of Columbia (Ecuador campus)- will only need a few donations from you lot to get started.

1. Blood. We're going to need a lot of it from each of you, at least a solid cup's worth.

2. Semen, we'll need another cup of that. Ladies are welcome to steal their donations from nearby transients, or the Dutch.

3. As many sets of spare baby jumpers as you have available.

Once we have your donations, Zarbo can start predicting the shit out of your future. Any rumors that this is all just a cunning scheme to steal DNA for an army of cloned monster babies should be soundly ignored.

Felix Clay learned a lot about orgies this week- by going to one and somehow managing to be the creepiest guy there. Luke McKinney took us on a tour of the astronomy that's too hot for school while Luis Prada sang the sad lament of the Pop Culture nerd. Chris Bucholz exposed a few world-warping psychological flaws and Adam Brown started bummin' on legalized Marijuana. Jason Iannone showed off song sequels that ruin the originals before Gladstone shared the biggest social media lies. John Cheese listed the common morals keeping you poor and Seanbaby closed things out with creative MMA attacks.

FUNNY ENDS

5 Unintentionally Hilarious Legacies of Famous Figures People don't remember dignity, anyway.

Notable Comment: "Really, people? Looking at that photo of Dillinger (also, how creepy you could just walk into a morgue and see a dead person like it was a museum, eugh) , his penis would not only have to be ridiculously large, but also have to have been growing out of his stomach. Seriously, the bulge is in the completely wrong spot. Unless he had the most disproportionately long legs ever.. "

katiedawkins, there's a reason they called him John "Oh Holy Sweet Jesus, Why?" Dillinger.

BAD IDEAS

5 Shockingly Violent Back Stories of Everyday Traditions "Tradition" is another word for "we don't have to explain shit".

Notable Comment: "It is said the Japanese adopted the practice of driving along the left-hand side due to the Feudal age. It was considered an insult for your scabbard to hit another mans scabbard (Like if you were to pass on the right). Passing on the left meant much less dueling."

That may be true, CrashFistfight, But we pass on the RIGHT here in the Cracked offices, because dueling makes us all stronger.

CRIME LAW

5 Victims of Horrible Crimes (Who Got Sued by the Criminal) Because sometimes "justice" is just a word..

Notable Comment: "The thing that really scares me is how freaking easy it is to obtain a driver's licence, and how impossible it is for someone to ever permanently lose one. People seem to think that driving is no big deal, and any idiot can do it, when it is abundantly clear that plenty of people can't. This guy should have been permanently taken off the road long ago. "

Nightowl21 doesn't realize that this is AMERICA, and we hold nothing more sacred than the right to pilot a 3 ton steel bullet forevsies.

BAD TRY

The 5 Most Shockingly Awful Names Major Cities Almost Had Thank God for editors.

Notable Comment: "There is a small village in England called Shitterton."

MobyTontyn has improved all of our lives with his wisdom.

TRAGIC WISDOM

The 6 Weirdest Things We've Learned Since 9/11 Learning isn't always a positive experience.

Notable Comment: "Not only did lots of things get branded "terrorism" in America after 9/11, but every crazy authoritarian government in the world took the opportunity to brand its opponents "terrorists". The Chinese did this, and even Robert Mugabe in Zimbabwe."

Blackmichael75 knows that terrorism is in the eye of the beholder.

Cracked Staff

Show and Tell: A Cringeworthy Look at Our Teenage Notebooks We embarrass ourselves so you don't have to.

YOU YOU YOU!

17 Famous Movies That Ripped Off from Lesser Known Film We're practically giving money away! Wait, not practically. Totally. We're totally giving away money to people, people with mediocre to decent Photoshop skills. People like you. Wouldn't you like to be a person like you? This week, you can be by entering our latest contests, If Every Product Had Gender Specific Versions, Worst Possible Casting for Upcoming Superhero Movies, Simple Misunderstandings With Huge Consequences and Secret Tricks for Photoshopping Reality.